Top 100 Humor Baby Quotes
#1. Do you know how much a freaking baby costs? A million dollars.
Gemma Halliday
#2. By-the-bye, what became of the baby?" said the Cat. "I'd nearly forgotten to ask."
"It turned into a pig," Alice answered very quietly, just as if the Cat had come back in a natural way.
"I thought it would," said the Cat, and vanished again.
Lewis Carroll
#3. Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
#5. Alright baby." I grab the soup and my purse. "I think I'm ready to go repel a sad boy. I got my ring, my hickey, a naked face, glasses, and conservative hair, unless you also need to pee on my leg to ensure he picks up your scent?
Gisele Walko
#6. I live for a woman who scratches, just make sure to keep it on the back, baby, I dont like scars." ~Otto Carvalletti
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#7. And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.
Cassandra Clare
#9. Daddy is jive talking
and showering the stripper
Mommy is sleepwalking
while changing baby's diaper
Casey Renee Kiser
#10. Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name.
Olive Hunter
#11. Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!"
"Goodnight mom!
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#12. She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.
Christopher Moore
#13. Sweetheart, the baby keeps you up all night , it's definitely a boy. He winks.
Samantha Towle
#14. Is this the baby?" I said.
Ma turned on me again.
"What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk?
George Saunders
#15. Good morning, baby. You know that the government has a responsibility for their own actions.
Zechariah Barrett
#16. I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize.
Carol Maloney Scott
#17. Dressing, I chose the second shirt, the one softened in the mouth of a trained and perfumed albino hippopotamus and made entirely of pigeon's wool, because it goes better with the shoes than the one stitched with baby hair.
Nick Harkaway
#18. You can call me Pastor-and before Mr. Sox Fan gets his panties in a wad, I want everyone to know I'm legit. I went online, took a minister's course in under an hour, and I'm ordained, baby.
J.R. Ward
#19. You aren't afraid of needles. I see one, and I start crying like a baby."
"I've never seen you cry."
"It's on the inside.
Gena Showalter
#20. Being an author of a book is like being a mother of a debutante in the Middle Ages. You have to present your baby to society and provide her with dowry, and in your heart, you hope that some royalty spends a night with her and ensures her way to success.
Elvira Baryakina
#21. I worked in a grocery store my whole life, Honey-girl. I know what lonely housewives think of this."
"I meant the baby, Jerk."
"Attached to me."
"You think you're cute, don't you?"
"Are you honestly asking me this? I know you're not debating it.
Pella Grace
#22. I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby ...
Erma Bombeck
#23. You snore."
She stopped in the middle of the hallway and gaped. "I do not."
"Oh yeah, you do." He nodded, beaming from ear to ear. "Cute, kind of baby snores, but still snores by standard definition. Maybe that was the problem that broke up you and David. Doctors need their sleep, you know.
Jennifer Shirk
#25. I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Kristen Schaal
#26. I wonder what my baby is thinking at this moment, he called, rubbing his stomach with his hands. What I was thinking about was whether or not his being my mother was going to wreck my nightly friction ritual.
Wally Lamb
#27. She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#28. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
Christopher Moore
#29. Oh baby", Madoc groaned to the girl next to him. "Snickers ain't the only thing king sized.
Penelope Douglas
#30. He's more how Satan would look if he needed to seduce you into drowning a baby.
Eve Dangerfield
#31. Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.
P.G. Wodehouse
#32. If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Doug Stanhope
#33. You know how sometimes you see a really sexy baby? Wait that sounds fucked up.
John Green
#34. The king killed his brother, who was actually king, so that he could be king. Then the dead king's wife and baby disappeared, on account the baby would've been king, so the brother probably killed them, too. They do that kind of thing all the time, kings do. They can kill anybody they don't like.
Sage Blackwood
#35. The summers before that are a blur of baby oil and Sun-In and hating our bodies (I got big breasts; Tibby got no breasts) at the Rockwood public swimming pool.
Ann Brashares
#36. America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
Stephen Colbert
#37. Hey baby, do you want to hold my Whopper?
N.M. Silber
#38. It's often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong.
Lisa A. Tortorello
#39. Wait until you see my socratic method, baby.
Cherrie Lynn
#40. I would let you hold him," Jane said, "but I'm pretty sure letting-ghosts-hold-my-baby is not on Abby's approved list of things to accomplish in life.
Allie Burke
#41. If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?
Jane Wagner
#42. If you refuse to entertain a baby cousin, the baby cousin may get bored and entertain itself by wandering off and falling down a well. If you refuse to entertain a pack of hyenas, they may become restless and entertain themselves by devouring you.
Lemony Snicket
#43. When you have two notes from two different performances Auto-Tuned, it sounds like a car horn. And then you add harmonies, and it starts to sound like baby seals honking. - Tom Lord-Alge on Auto-Tune
Greg Milner
#44. Crayola makes all kinds of crazy colors. You know. Burnt umber. Burnt sienna. Blanched almond. Baby-shit yellow. And so on, and so forth. I'm just saying, cockroaches Have their own color. It's distinct. Crayola should get on that. The kids'll love it.
Chuck Wendig
#45. Basically I'm pretty sure my mom thinks a well-thought-out list has the power to make time her personal bitch.
Susan Ranelle Amari
#46. That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate.
Jim Butcher
#47. Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
Lemony Snicket
#48. Oh, God, oh, God. A sense of humor. She'd thought the hardly-even-a-hint she'd caught of it a while back had been a one-off thing, but that was a joke he'd just made. An honest-to-God joke! She wanted to have his baby.
Susan Andersen
#49. By the way, don't you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus' butt and plugging it in is just a little sacrilegious?
Dana Marie Bell
#50. Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want to tape your baby dolls to chairs, be my guest. I am fairly certain that there isn't like a Cabbage Patch CPS.
E. A. Davis
#51. Petunia's having a baby."
"What?"
"Petunia!" Georgie said, more urgently. "She's having puppies in the dryer!"
"No, she's not. She's having a C-section in two weeks."
"Great!" Georgie shouted. "I'll go tell her!
Rainbow Rowell
#52. A three-day-old baby is a saint?'
Willibald flapped his hands. 'Miracles happen, lord,' he said, 'they really do. They say little Rumwold sang God's praises whenever he suckled.'
'I feel much the same when I get hild of a tit,' I said, 'so does that make me a saint?
Bernard Cornwell
#54. Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust
Kresley Cole
#55. You're missing the wow factor."
Garrett snickered. "Did you really just say wow factor?"
"Oh, whatever. What are you, twelve?"
"Twelve inches, baby." Garrett winked.
Miller laughed and rolled his eyes. "In your dreams, buddy.
Amanda Young
#56. Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf.
Jill Alexander Essbaum
#57. Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.
Lemony Snicket
#58. I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
#59. The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.
Dave Barry
#60. New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
#61. Whence comes this idea that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, a baby's fingernails, a puppy's tail, a crooknecked squash, the bobwhite's call, and a young girl's giggle, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that.
Catherine Marshall
#62. Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.
Lois Greiman
#63. Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island.
Will Cuppy
#64. When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.
From The Wife Drought
Annabel Crabb
#65. Baby, it's either laugh or cry and crying takes way too much energy. If you can't find humor in the shit life heaps on you, you really will grow miserable.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#66. How about if you turn over, baby?" Wolf licked his way up Tristan's back to nibble at the spot between his shoulder blades. "And we can take turns working our way through these condoms my mom brought us.
Rhys Ford
#67. I've seen a baby born. And, ahem, I know what made it. But I'm not telling, you'd never believe me.
N.D. Wilson
#68. Well, now that I'm thoroughly and diligently queer, I expected more manly love-talk, you know? Not like Pretty Baby and feeding you grapes and stuff," he snorted.
"Uh, you mean like, hey you bastard I don't have a beer and nobody's sucking my dick, what's wrong with this picture?
Z.A. Maxfield
#69. Lillian looked around the room.
"Where are the others? The Prescott girl and the good-looking one?"
"Baby," said Rusty, "I'm right here.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#70. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#71. Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.
Warren Ellis
#72. Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.
Rhys Ford
#73. I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.
John Swartzwelder
#74. He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.
Judith Arnold
#75. Iain didn't know what to say to her. They had all asked an incredible amount from her. She was such an innocent, too. Hell, she wasn't even married, and yet they'd demanded she deliver a baby. He wasn't even certain if she knew how Isabelle had conceived the babe.
Julie Garwood
#77. Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!
Jennifer Rardin
#78. Interesting. Stonecipheco Baby Foods. Not a bad line of products, really. A bit soft and runny for my taste, of course ... "
"Well, it's infant food, really, Norman.
David Foster Wallace
#79. Nine people can't make a baby in a month.
Fred Brooks
#80. Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.
Heather Chapple
#81. I watched my friend Eleanor give birth," she said. "Once you've seen a child born, you realize a baby's not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you and what you've been eating for nine months.
Lorrie Moore
#82. Ed said, "I can tell you, when we heard that baby was going to be all right, there wasn't a dry seat in the castle."
"I'm so happy to hear that," Marigold sold. "I think.
Jean Ferris
#83. He was already thinking about the videos he was going to make to teach his baby about calculus when he climaxed.
Neal Stephenson
#84. I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one.
David Gilmour
#85. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
#86. Your baby is crying, says the driver to Taiwo, the Ghanian way of saying your cell phone is ringing.
Taiye Selasi
#87. Llium snorted. "I look like a damned duck." His words weren't far off the mark. The feathers that had grown over the injured section were soft, white, and delicately ... fluffy. "I hope to hell these baby feathers fall off and get replaced by real ones. They will, won't they?" He sounded worried.
Nalini Singh
#88. So you're the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.
Lish McBride
#89. Your father is proud of us for having a
baby."
Gabriel nodded, as he continued brushing.
"That means he's proud of us for having sex and you for impregnating me. Do you think they make T-shirts for grandfathers that express those sentiments?
Sylvain Reynard
#90. You can't know, sweetie, because you've never had a baby become a brilliant young reader with a side interest in horrible television shows, but the joy you bring us is so much greater than the sadness we feel about your illness.
John Green
#91. Keith Richards on change - "It's gotta go up and down. Otherwise, you won't know the difference. It would be just a bland, straight line, like lookin' at a heart machine. And when that straight line happens, baby, you're dead.
Jessica Pallington West
#92. There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"
...
"Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.
Rick Riordan
#94. I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler
#95. I joked with the anesthesiologist for a while, and then a nurse handed me a baby.
Matthew Amster-Burton
#97. Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.
Bauvard
#98. I'll do anything to be good for you, Tate."
"Anything, baby," I promised.
"Anything?" she laughed out, her eyes bright with happiness and love.
"Have you ever considered a nipple piercing?
Penelope Douglas
#99. Groceries, baby, listen to your friend Richard. You go set your lily-white ass down in that meditation cave every day for the next three months and I promise you this
you're gonna start seeing some stuff that's so damn beautiful it'll make you wanna throw rocks at the Taj Mahal.
Elizabeth Gilbert
#100. It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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