Top 50 Funny Jesus Quotes
#1. Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Anthony Jeselnik
#2. I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
Louis C.K.
#3. Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor - the Women's Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened.
"Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be a good thing," said Noah.
"Sorry." I tried to let go, but Noah kept his fingers linked with mine.
Katie McGarry
#4. Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever.
Neal Stephenson
#5. You're not exactly up for the Humanitarian of the Year award, so save your altruism for someone who can't see through you like cellophane.
Rebecca McNutt
#6. My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
Adam Ferrara
#7. I like cats. They don't care if you love Jesus.
Miss Merikan
#8. Jesus H. Christ on ice and Mary in the penalty box!
Rob Sheffield
#10. I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.
M.J. McGuire
#11. We have tons of live performances that we're putting on there. We have music videos. There's a music video for the song called I Am Jesus what is one of the funniest music videos, like we just could not find a place for it in the movie, but it's like crazy funny. And we have the whole video.
Nicholas Stoller
#12. I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
#13. You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
Katt Williams
#14. As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.
Karl Pilkington
#15. If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Jimmy Carr
#16. But to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?
Christopher Moore
#17. And she looks at me with her eyes open wide and a face that says: Oh my God, I'm muckin' around in my sexy Jesus-boots, in my crazy dreamworld, and I've opened the door and let you in on my crazy dreamworld and that's so embarrassing but, actually, who cares? because it's funny.
Jaclyn Moriarty
#19. In better times, we're celebrate Christmas Eve by attending the nativity play at the Catholic church down the road, watching Joseph and Mary and Baby Jesus try to escape from Herod's soldiers and their wooden swords and AK-47s (it wasn't the most accurate version, but it was funny.)
William Kamkwamba
#20. Schiffer recoiled: "Oh, Jesus Christ, Taryn, don't give me a heart attack," she said, clutching at her chest. "Remember: no sense of humor. How many times do I have to tell you that: No sense of humor. Humor can get you in all kinds of shit and we've got this won, if we don't get funny.
John Sandford
#22. Jesus, Martin, what the hell do I pay you for?"
"My good looks, the occasional blow job, and my constant supply of Jim Beam."
"You've never given me a blow job."
"True, but you've fantasized about it.
Adrienne Wilder
#23. Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
Sarah Silverman
#24. Jesus was a bachelor and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most difficult things a man has to do, and he never did it.
James Joyce
#26. Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny.
Jack Black
#27. I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
Bo Burnham
#28. And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
Robin Williams
#29. Funny . . . humanity's great at the tiny patterns. We can find quarks in an atom and Jesus's face in a tortilla. But that big picture is so elusive, so overwhelming, people refuse to believe something as obvious as their life in Des Moines affects lives in Delhi.
P.J. Manney
#30. Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
#31. Jesus loves you ... He's not 'in love' with you.
Jimmy Carr
#32. What's funny about Jesus' Son is that I never even wrote that book, I just wrote it down. I would tell these stories and people would say, You should write these things down.
Denis Johnson
#33. I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
Marc Maron
#34. I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
Bo Burnham
#35. Sweet Jesus! Sweet, sweet Jesus!" Mom called to the Savior, caught up in the divine intervention that was Hank and me.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Stop cal ing Jesus, Mom. Hank's gonna think you're weird," I snapped.
"She is weird," Dad said.
"I'm not weird," Mom returned.
Kristen Ashley
#36. Cages, spanking benches, sawhorses, bondage tables. Scene after scene. Throaty moans, high screams, whining, whimpering, and groaning. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. All his cop instincts shouted for him to get his cuffs out and start arresting people.
Cherise Sinclair
#37. The smell that came out of the lorry was disgusting. Sour and rotten. 'Jesus, who's died? he said. 'About four-fifth's of the population of the world' said Justin.
'Very funny
Charlie Higson
#38. She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.
Tammara Webber
#39. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.
Toby Barlow
#40. Lilli . . . Lilli . . . Lilli."
Sweet Jesus, she was going to kill him. She'd just gotten to sleep. Now he was running a finger up and down her spine, saying her name in an extremely life-threatening singsong voice.
Susan Fanetti
#41. If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Natasha Leggero
#42. Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
#43. I wished I had put more cherries on that slice. The whole jar of cherries. I could watch him eat a whole jar of cherries.
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what was happening to me?
Francesca Zappia
#44. If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.
Katie Graykowski
#45. The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
Mo Williams
#46. Jesus," I said into the phone. "I'm an establishment pseudo-hipster." "The funny thing about that," my so-called friend answered, "is that you are." "Fuck you," I said.
Matt Taibbi
#47. Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won't sparkle in the sunshine, he'll just marry you.
Nick Shamhart
#48. When I was in high school, I was a bad singer. I mean, all my early acting was musical theater, and my first ever show was 'Jesus Christ Superstar.' Everyone's familiar with it. I played priest number 3 and sang so out of tune that it's not even funny.
Sam Claflin
#49. Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?"
Walter- "Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.
Jeff Dunham
#50. And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
Dylan Moran
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