Top 100 Louis C.K. Quotes

#1. I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #3655
#2. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #3798
#3. I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #50323
#4. There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #56943
#5. The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #78265
#6. When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #90210
#7. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this - and by 'new at it,' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 - you're just starting to get traction ... Give it a minute.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #107622
#8. The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #109700
#9. I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #122527
#10. Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #129799
#11. A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #180673
#12. Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #200714
#13. My kids and I figured out that there's a third kind of person, and I don't know what you call them, but it's somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it's half full with water and half full with nothing, so that's the third kind of person. I don't know what it is.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #203495
#14. To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #222035
#15. I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #234387
#16. The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #300650
#17. I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #307725
#18. I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #394711
#19. I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #397631
#20. Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #432180
#21. I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #471296
#22. I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #475031
#23. I love comedians. They're my community.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #525290
#24. I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #527000
#25. People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #528101
#26. Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #532178
#27. Either I'll never get rich from the show but remain intensely proud of the work and stand behind every second of it, or it catches on and I'll make my money down the road.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #574571
#28. A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #587875
#29. When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #599379
#30. It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #621203
#31. Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #626074
#32. A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #637857
#33. People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #647814
#34. I don't have sex drive ... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #649999
#35. You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #652838
#36. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #658675
#37. A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #694130
#38. There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #696509
#39. Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #713794
#40. Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #715116
#41. I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #744986
#42. It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #769875
#43. You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #779425
#44. I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #797513
#45. Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #821003
#46. Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #823891
#47. I like all ladies of all different ages.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #863317
#48. My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they're getting. I think it's more fun to watch something when you're discovering it as you go along.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #881674
#49. I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #884489
#50. I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #912509
#51. Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #979656
#52. You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #982761
#53. You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited ... and for me it was between the two buildings going down ... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #988762
#54. The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1000063
#55. Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1010826
#56. Be a dad. Don't be "Mom's Assistant" ... Be a man ... Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids ... It won't take away your manhood, it will give it to you.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1021576
#57. When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1026390
#58. Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1030148
#59. If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1083216
#60. I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1083284
#61. Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1107677
#62. When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1112290
#63. Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1113063
#64. My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1123179
#65. I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1135160
#66. Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1138784
#67. Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1180892
#68. For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1200039
#69. I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1230236
#70. God is like a shitty girlfriend.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1233117
#71. Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1236338
#72. If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1258083
#73. I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1276911
#74. I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1310321
#75. Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1319808
#76. The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1322186
#77. Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1329742
#78. In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1336246
#79. You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1346035
#80. I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1356191
#81. Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1384525
#82. I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1387594
#83. It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1468009
#84. When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1478419
#85. You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1481130
#86. My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1501248
#87. Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1530003
#88. Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1588594
#89. The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1623905
#90. Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1624151
#91. Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1629533
#92. Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1667327
#93. I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1716961
#94. If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1717947
#95. To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1785388
#96. Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1803472
#97. You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something,

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1805307
#98. Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1844420
#99. Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1847465
#100. I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n
' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that ... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

Louis C.K.

Louis C.K. Quotes #1858429

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