Top 100 I'm Back Funny Quotes
#1. I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me, back of the net!
Steve Coogan
#2. He smiled at me. He did that thing again, where he pulled back his lips and showed me his teeth. He smiled so big it made him sneeze. It was like he was saying, I know i'm a mess. Isn't it funny?
Kate DiCamillo
#3. Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
Jim Gaffigan
#4. I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I'm not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I could perform them on him. He's completely unreadable and even more unpredictable. It pisses me off.
Colleen Hoover
#5. The fact that I'm sitting here in the chilly leaves imagining ways to get rid of the boy I loved so much I brought him back from the dead is so ridiculous, so horrifying, it's almost funny. In an unbelievable, black humor way that's not really funny at all.
Amy Garvey
#6. All thoughts of newbloods and Maven, my brother and Cal and Kilorn are gone entirely. Even the faces that haunt me, the faces of the dead, have disappeared.Funny, now that I'm dying, my ghosts decide to leave. I wish they would come back. I wish I didn't have to die alone.
Victoria Aveyard
#7. It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid.
Catherine McCormack
#8. I listen to a lot of rap where men talk a certain way about women and I'm not offended. It's meant to be funny. I'm throwing it right back at them with humor, but some people can't take it. They're not used to women talking back.
Kesha
#9. Hello? ... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven ... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.
Katt Williams
#10. You're only as sick as your secrets. Either it comes out their way or my way. I talk about myself behind my back. And I'm funny about it.
Carrie Fisher
#11. Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:
Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."
Joss: "I'm not invisible."
Dylan: "I know this.
Susan Bischoff
#12. 'Now I've tasted chocolate I'm not going back'. That's a great line. That's not me, that's all the writing. I mean it's like it doesn't matter who plays it, it's a great role. It's such a funny, tongue in cheek kind of great role.
Amanda Bynes
#13. Champagne's funny stuff. I'm used to whiskey. Whiskey is a slap on the back, and champagne's a heavy mist before my eyes.
James Stewart
#14. I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way.
Jarvis Cocker
#15. Leave me alone, or I will shoot," a woman's husky voice rang out through the broken window. "I'm not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from.
Rose Wynters
#16. It's funny: All my friends back home are always wondering why every television show I'm on is a drama, but all the comedy pilots I did died a slow and painful death.
Eric Ladin
#17. She's laughing at me. "What's funny, Gidget?" "You love me." I laugh back. "I do, and I'm going to show you just how much every chance I get.
J.A. Huss
#18. Thank you for helping my sister," he says.
I lean forward, mimicking his position. "I'm happy to."
Calliope leans out her window. "STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.
Stephanie Perkins
#19. If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.
Jim Carrey
#20. I pull out my e-reader and get back to my fictional boyfriend. Lord knows he won't cheat on me.
M.D. Saperstein
#21. Thery're both iron, isn't that funny?"
"Funny haha or funny strange?"
James handed them back to me "Funny 'occult'"
"Ah. Funny strange"
James looked at me sternly, "Don't start that. I'm supposed to be the humorous one
Maggie Stiefvater
#22. Jack the Hellhound: "Make sure you get a booth in the back so they don't see you in assassin-gear and more importantly, to keep the handsome dog hidden."
Robert Knight: "Where's the handsome dog? All I see is an ugly mutt!"
Jack the Hellhound: "You're so funny I'm busting a gut.
Ben Garvey
#23. My choices were to either give in and let them kill all of us or fight back with everything I had. I chose the second one, 'cause I'm just funny that way.
James Patterson
#24. Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, "I'm guessing that's a uniform."
Crap. I'd forgotten I was still wearing it.
Huntley Fitzpatrick
#25. Behind me, Marc made a soft whistling sound, clearly impressed. "That's not standard procedure," he said, his tone entirely too reasonable as he leaned over the stray's body to open the back passenger-side door.
"Yeah, well, I'm not your standard enforcer.
Rachel Vincent
#26. A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. "Don't! You'll burn!"
"I'm used to it." Ayden's brown eyes twinkled. "In fact, I've been told I'm smokin'." He held out a hand, his voice soft. "By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me.
A&E Kirk
#27. Yes, I'm back," he said, "And look who I ran into."
Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard."
"As hard as I could.
John Flanagan
#28. P - Jamie!" I called.
He waded back toward me. "I'm starting to think my name is Pajamie."
"Your name should be Pajerky. You said it wasn't deep."
"Pajerky?" He gave me a skeptical look. "That's Pathetic."
"We'll see how smug you are once I'm on dry land.
Diana Peterfreund
#29. Everywhere I go, I hear 'Welcome back.' But everywhere I have been, I have always been with myself. I'm with myself now more than ever. It's funny people say 'Welcome back' when I haven't gone anywhere.
Ricky Williams
#30. I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they're watching the class clown. And I'm standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him says, 'What did he say?'
Bob Newhart
#31. And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.
Meg Cabot
#32. 'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
Russell Howard
#33. I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.
Tim Allen
#34. A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
Mitch Hedberg
#35. It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.
Jay Leno
#36. I want to roll my eyes, but I'm pretty soon they're going to get stuck in the back of my head, and penis puns are really not worth my permanent facial damage.
Lauren Morrill
#37. I'm not a boy-writer, I've never been. I wanted to be a boy-writer when I was young, and I think that held me back. I wanted to be very clever, and funny, but I'm not very clever and not terribly funny. I've finally accepted my limits, and I do what I can do.
Paul Auster
#38. I'm pretty sure my stomach has a sliver in it from rubbing up against my backbone, so back off, bitch.
H.J. Bellus
#39. All right," Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. "Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?"
Okay, so I'm a little distracted. "He's doing the back stroke.
Tera Lynn Childs
#40. Wait!" Conrad said. "Did someone ... one of my enemies set this fire?"
Nix turned back with a grin. "Unless you'd pissed off some wirring-hungry nutrias, then I'm going with no.
Kresley Cole
#41. Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. If you wake the kids up before two, I'm going to beat you with a skillet.
Sean Michael
#42. You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult," I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, "Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I'm sure it's better than anything I'm cooking out here.
Rucy Ban
#43. I bowl so slowly that if I don't like a ball I can run after it and bring it back
James M. Barrie
#44. I give her back an honest-to-goodness smile, the old Ben Parish smile, the one that got me practically everything I wanted. Well, not practically; I'm being modest.
Rick Yancey
#45. I'm sure everyone's got their back story. I don't come from a place of where I was tortured and needed to let something out. I came from a very happy home. I was a little out of control at times. But my family ... we all liked to be funny, we all liked to make each other laugh.
Adam Sandler
#46. I know what party you're talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you're going to be there in a costume." He winked and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm going as a homeless person."
"Sexy.
Chanelle Gray
#47. I've been called funny. I assume my wife thinks I'm funny. But generally, if you bumped into me and said hello, I would say hello back, politely. And that would be it.
Robert Webb
#48. When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
#49. Which college?'
'Hmm?'
'Which college do you go to?'
Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.'
'I'm sorry?'
'Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.
Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.
Derek Landy
#50. I'm one of those hovering mothers and I know it's really important to have an independent child, so I'm trying to back off, but it's hard. I love him so much, and he's so funny and cute to me.
Selma Blair
#51. I flipped the good doctor the bird.
Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
"What is it with you and giving people the finger?"
"What? It's a classic.
Sylvia Day
#52. Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.
Paul Reiser
#53. Same as you, Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. Sorry I missed the Wednesday lunch date, but I was in a black hole all morning.
Douglas Adams
#54. Do you think it's funny that both of our favourite memories are about the people we like the least now?" I ask.
"Maybe that's why we dislike them," she says. "The distance between who they were and who they are is so wide, we have no hope of getting them back.
Nicola Yoon
#55. It's funny. Looking back, none of it seems to matter now, those moments of yearning, craving to belong with people I thought mattered. No more fragments of glass, pieces of a broken mirror you can't put back together and wouldn't want to even if you could.
Rebecca Harris
#56. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.
Michael Summers
#57. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#58. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
#59. Why are you covering your breasts?"
Turning her back to him, she stepped into her dress.
"Why are you so interested in my breasts?"
"I am only interested in them because you hide them," he informed her. "I would not find them interesting if you would stop wearing clothing.
Viola Rivard
#60. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Henny Youngman
#61. I pulled back and stared up into his eyes. "You're gettin' very deep on me."
Alec's hands gripped my behind. "I'll be getting very deep in you if you keep looking at me like that
L.A. Casey
#62. I froze all night. My back's killing me. I want home, and I'm scared to death. But I guess the view makes it all worth it."
"You're funny," Angel said
Jayde Scott
#63. The nefarious frost that slithers around my spine brings forth concern that Donovan is regressing and needs to be put back on the funny farm, yet my heart longs to surrender in harmony with his madness. Without him, I will never be complete.
Diane Rinella
#64. She paced back and forth while I rinsed and decided to face the music - or the Echo.
Lila Felix
#65. That's the funny thing about America
the blessed thing. As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others. I've had my share of angels.
Abraham Verghese
#66. He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.'
'What you got on it?' the girl said.
'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.'
'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely.
Flannery O'Connor
#67. I pull back. "I'm going to have to change my computer password."
"Oh yeah? To what?"
"I-love-Josh."
"4 eva, he replies."
"You cracked my password?
Sally Thorne
#68. The saga started out a normal day - don't they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke up, yawned, chewed some coffee beans, and thought his day was going to be dead boring, just before a comet slammed into his neighborhood.
Rachel Caine
#69. Looking back, I didn't realize until years later what a huge influence Red Skelton was in my stage demeanor with the band. I mean, I always liked things that were funny, and later I realized that having a sly sense of humor was a way to get attention and even respect in school.
Jello Biafra
#70. It's funny to think that Anson and I were here, in this same place, together all that time ago, and now here we are again. It makes me feel good, makes me feel that perhaps everything doesn't just disappear, that some things are circling back, taking the long way, but circling back towards me.
Helen Humphreys
#71. I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori
"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?
Kerrelyn Sparks
#72. I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
David Mitchell
#73. When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol.
Onee'sha Ford
#74. I try not to laugh at the fact that even when she's drunk, she has a hard time saying it. "Where do you want me to take you?" She drops her head back against my chest. "You can just keep carrying me. It's very relaxing.
Jessica Sorensen
#75. Speaking of ... does this mean you get your phone back?" I shrug. "I don't really want that phone back. I'm hoping my whipped boyfriend will get me an iPhone for Christmas.
Colleen Hoover
#76. It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.
Kylie Scott
#77. One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.
John Hodgman
#78. I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
Jimmy Carr
#79. I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."
Jim Gaffigan
#80. Back in my State, I'm very close to being able to control the weather. I'll be all-powerful, once I've figured that out.
Brandon Sanderson
#81. In the back of my mind, I'm composing a tweet to make this funny somehow. Hashtag #awkwardparentmoments. It would probably trend on Twitter. I want to laugh at this to make the whole situation less real.
Janet Gurtler
#82. Its funny when I'm cyber bullied(anonymously) because when people do it to me,I don't think of how much I want to hurt them or punch them in the face like my friends do ... but I go on this site and write a quote to them back, hoping to kill them with kindness.
Ashley Jackson
#83. Taking in their expressions, I just knew it.
Logan had enlisted them.
The bugger.
"Oh dear God." I let my head fall back as if in supplication to an unmerciful deity. "Why me?"
Joss snorted. "Yeah, doesn't it suck when gorgeous, funny, loyal Scotsmen fall in love with us?
Samantha Young
#84. My guys saw you on Fremont last week, Dan. You know what they saw you doing?" "Their mothers?" I replied. "Funny," he said and turned back to Juliette.
Craig Schaefer
#85. And if you dont come back from the dorm, I'm the one who has to explain to Micheal how I let you go off and get yourself killed like a Dumbass. First rule in horror movies, Clair-Never split up!
Rachel Caine
#86. Calypso: "You think it's funny to send me this ... this charbroiled runt of a boy to ruin my tranquility? This is NOT FUNNY! take him back!"
Leo: "Hey, sunshine, I'm right here you know ... "
Calypso: "Do NOT call me sunshine!
Rick Riordan
#87. And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me.
Drew Brees
#88. I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
Rodney Dangerfield
#89. I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it.
Ian MacKaye
#90. When did you grow a back bone?" Cassius stopped pacing and actually smiled a little.
Kendall wasn't appeased "I borrowed Jory's
Gabrielle Evans
#92. I started a novel right before 'The Imitation Game,' so it's funny now, four years later, to be coming almost back to finishing it.
Graham Moore
#93. I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead.
Doug MacLeod
#94. According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That's crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can't reach, and it certainly wasn't free.
Josh Lieb
#95. Drinking's funny. When I look back on it, all of our important decisions have been figured out when we were drinking. Even when we talked about having to cut back on drinking, we'd be sitting at the kitchen table or out at the picnic table with a six-pack or whiskey.
Raymond Carver
#96. When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
Rodney Dangerfield
#97. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
#98. Alexander? Fine. I'll leave you alone so you can call Lover Boy back." "Stop calling him that." Once he was gone, she punched her pillow a few times. It was funny that Sam thought she could have any man she wanted. If she were just looking for guys who wanted to hang out
CrushStar Romance
#99. I just couldn't go back to Suddenly Susan after David Strickland's suicide. I didn't see how we could make the show light and funny any more.
Judd Nelson
#100. Do you have ovaries?" Jacob asked.
I shot him a look. "Yes"
He slid down the back of the couch and sat beside Brittany. "Then how are you not intrested?
J. Lynn
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