Top 100 Karl Pilkington Quotes
#1. We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
Karl Pilkington
#4. Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.
Karl Pilkington
#5. My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that.
Karl Pilkington
#6. I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.
Karl Pilkington
#7. Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
Karl Pilkington
#8. If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.
Karl Pilkington
#9. At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.
Karl Pilkington
#10. Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I
Karl Pilkington
#11. I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.
Karl Pilkington
#12. I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
Karl Pilkington
#14. Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.
Karl Pilkington
#16. Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
Karl Pilkington
#17. If you're worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I'd say your life's pretty good
Karl Pilkington
#18. I don't understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.
Karl Pilkington
#19. Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.
Karl Pilkington
#20. [Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
Karl Pilkington
#22. the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'.
Karl Pilkington
#23. But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.
Karl Pilkington
#24. from the ceiling but made little difference. I sat wondering if it was part of Brazilian tradition to invite someone to stay but then fuck off out for the evening. Seems a bit odd to me. I
Karl Pilkington
#26. It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep
Karl Pilkington
#27. The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
Karl Pilkington
#28. To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
Karl Pilkington
#29. I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them.
Karl Pilkington
#32. You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad
Karl Pilkington
#33. All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.
Karl Pilkington
#34. I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.
Karl Pilkington
#36. To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?
Karl Pilkington
#37. Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.
Karl Pilkington
#38. Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.
Karl Pilkington
#39. So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?
Karl Pilkington
#41. I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.
Karl Pilkington
#42. When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep ...
Karl Pilkington
#43. We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.
Karl Pilkington
#44. Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.
Karl Pilkington
#45. The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.
Karl Pilkington
#46. It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.
Karl Pilkington
#47. The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.
Karl Pilkington
#50. We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.
Karl Pilkington
#51. Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.
Karl Pilkington
#52. We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'
Karl Pilkington
#53. We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?
Karl Pilkington
#54. If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.
Karl Pilkington
#56. Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
Karl Pilkington
#58. If Dracula can't see his reflection, how come his parting's always neat?
Karl Pilkington
#59. What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?
Karl Pilkington
#60. Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.
Karl Pilkington
#61. As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.
Karl Pilkington
#62. I'm more open to give things a go, but what I'm not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish, I just go, I can't be doing it.
Karl Pilkington
#63. When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.
Karl Pilkington
#64. They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
Karl Pilkington
#65. With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?
Karl Pilkington
#68. Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.
Karl Pilkington
#69. I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
Karl Pilkington
#70. I'd heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn't think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.
Karl Pilkington
#72. I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.
Karl Pilkington
#73. If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.
Karl Pilkington
#74. People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!
Karl Pilkington
#76. Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.
Karl Pilkington
#77. At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
Karl Pilkington
#78. Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.
Karl Pilkington
#81. If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.
Karl Pilkington
#83. If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.
Karl Pilkington
#85. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.
Karl Pilkington
#86. It annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.
Karl Pilkington
#87. If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
Karl Pilkington
#88. I don't like jellyfish, they're not a fish, they're just a blob.
They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.
Get rid of 'em!
Karl Pilkington
#89. I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
Karl Pilkington
#91. There are more idiots in the world than bright ones, but it's the odd good one that makes a big difference.
Karl Pilkington
#94. Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.
Karl Pilkington
#95. There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.
Karl Pilkington
#96. I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.
Karl Pilkington
#98. The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.
Karl Pilkington
#99. I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.
Karl Pilkington
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