Top 100 Daniel Tosh Quotes
#1. Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck
Daniel Tosh
#2. I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
#3. I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.
Daniel Tosh
#4. Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.
Daniel Tosh
#5. If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
Daniel Tosh
#6. Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.
Daniel Tosh
#7. Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
#8. I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
#9. I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.
Daniel Tosh
#10. I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
#11. Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.
Daniel Tosh
#12. Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Daniel Tosh
#13. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross.
Daniel Tosh
#14. I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
Daniel Tosh
#15. My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
#16. Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
#17. The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
Daniel Tosh
#18. The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Daniel Tosh
#19. Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.
Daniel Tosh
#20. You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
#21. I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh
#22. Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
Daniel Tosh
#23. I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
#24. If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
#25. I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
#26. I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
Daniel Tosh
#27. I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
Daniel Tosh
#28. I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
Daniel Tosh
#29. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
Daniel Tosh
#30. Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
Daniel Tosh
#31. You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Daniel Tosh
#32. Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
#33. I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh
#34. I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
Daniel Tosh
#35. I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
Daniel Tosh
#36. I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
#37. Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.
Daniel Tosh
#38. If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
#39. How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh
#40. I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Daniel Tosh
#41. The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Daniel Tosh
#42. I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
#43. The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh
#44. I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?
Daniel Tosh
#45. I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
Daniel Tosh
#46. You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream.
Daniel Tosh
#47. If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
#48. Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.
Daniel Tosh
#49. One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Daniel Tosh
#50. You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.
Daniel Tosh
#51. It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Daniel Tosh
#52. The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
Daniel Tosh
#53. How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.
Daniel Tosh
#54. I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...
Daniel Tosh
#55. I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
Daniel Tosh
#56. Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
#57. I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
Daniel Tosh
#58. I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh
#59. The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
Daniel Tosh
#60. It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
Daniel Tosh
#61. Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
#62. I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
Daniel Tosh
#63. At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
#64. Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
#65. If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die ... not sorry.
Daniel Tosh
#66. Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.
Daniel Tosh
#67. If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
#68. I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
#69. The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
#70. Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
Daniel Tosh
#71. A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.
Daniel Tosh
#72. Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Daniel Tosh
#73. Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
Daniel Tosh
#74. If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.
Daniel Tosh
#75. Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Daniel Tosh
#76. I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh
#77. Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
Daniel Tosh
#79. Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
#80. That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
Daniel Tosh
#81. Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
#82. I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
Daniel Tosh
#83. Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
#84. Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Daniel Tosh
#85. Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
#86. If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
#87. We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?
Daniel Tosh
#88. I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
#89. I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
#90. Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
#92. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.
Daniel Tosh
#93. Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh
#94. Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
Daniel Tosh
#95. Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
#96. I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
#97. You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Daniel Tosh
#98. No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh
#99. Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
Daniel Tosh
#100. I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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