Top 100 Drinking Humor Quotes
#1. Some single men stop drinking when they git married and others start!
Tennessee Williams
#2. You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
#3. The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
Douglas Adams
#4. I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.
George Best
#5. Most people whom you may view as wine experts are usually just good at one thing: winemakers are good at making wine, sommeliers at talking about it, and wine journalists at drinking it for free.
Olivier Magny
#6. I knew what Charley would do. He would spend the evening drinking himself into the mindset of a cinder block. If they had given him as much as a hundred bucks, it would be a long night.
Dan Ahearn
#7. My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. "My nice policeman wants to see you," she said. "How do you feel?"
"Terrible. I must've gone to bed sober." I pushed Asta out of the way and got up.
Dashiell Hammett
#8. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. Fields
#9. But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.
Nicki Minaj
#10. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey
#11. He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn't going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses.
Terry Pratchett
#12. The fun, joy, and humor dry up in a relationship when one of the partners is swimming in gin. To my way of thinking, it is selfishness personified to see life through the bottom of a liquor bottle.
Ginger Rogers
#13. The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that's probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.
Robert B. Parker
#14. I also drink Scotch. But I'm not picky. I'll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.
Rob Thomas
#16. Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic.
Ahmed Mostafa
#17. Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
Warren Ellis
#18. Karl Marx: "Religion is the opiate of the masses."
Carrie Fisher: "I did masses of opiates religiously.
Carrie Fisher
#19. She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy.
Kelly Moran
#20. I could just hear my mom now, You know those old candy cigarettes are bad for you. Next thing you know, you'll be drinking alcohol, and they'll find you dead in a ditch somewhere. I'll never be able to show my face in this town again.
K. Martin Beckner
#21. People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.
Ariel Leve
#22. Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Eugene Mirman
#23. One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.
Gilbert Gottfried
#24. Do you guys ever reach the point of drunkenness where you're so drunk you're like "I better keep drinking to sober up" and then you're like "you know, I recognise that that is not how it works. But ...
Hannah Hart
#25. V shook his head. "Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How'd you like that anywhere near a female you loved?"
Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage's body.
"We're going to need a shitload of steel," the human muttered.
J.R. Ward
#27. I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
Dorothy Parker
#28. My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Chelsea Handler
#29. We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
David Sedaris
#30. Meanwhile we'll drink your health - queen Alice's health!' she screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began drinking it directly ...
Lewis Carroll
#31. I've never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks.
Vicki Lesage
#32. I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry.
Libba Bray
#33. These days, "getting lucky" means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it's still HOT!
Tanya Masse
#34. The only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
Josh Stern
#35. Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife
Scott Lynch
#36. Churchill drank twice what I did if you could believe the accounts and he had just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. I was simply trying to step up my drinking to a reasonable amount when I might win the Prize myself; who knows?
Ernest Hemingway,
#37. For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.
Drew Magary
#38. More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup.
"You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your body is immune to all toxins."
"I know," Lightsong said as a lesser servant filled his cup. "But trust me - I'm quite good at pretending.
Brandon Sanderson
#39. When reality and your dreams collide, typically it's just your alarm clock going off.
Crystal Woods
#41. When she was drinking his liquor and smoking his cigars, Charity couldn't help warming to Sir Humphrey. She almost forgot what a crashing bore he really was.
Elizabeth Jane Howard
#42. I admit I get the occasional headache," I said. "I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage, and wasabi to clear the sinuses".
George Gurley
#43. We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't!
Tamsyn Bester
#44. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
#45. When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons.
Robert Lautner
#46. Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.
Criss Jami
#47. Apparently these new rulers of the world did not indulge in any drinking or smoking to soften their moods when they met, which Menelaus knew to be a big mistake. The Congress of the United States, back before the Disunion, always met sober, and look at what had come of that.
John C. Wright
#48. I talk better when I'm drinking coffee." "Me, too. If by coffee you mean beer, and by better you mean louder.
D.D. Barant
#49. And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.
Augusten Burroughs
#50. Life isn't about drinking cool aide. Sometimes you have to take the castor oil too.
Jennifer Donohoe
#51. And drinking neat liquor from the bottle, with all my long hair and my shirt undone and my beads, not so much the lizard king, more a gecko duchess, I fitted in nicely with their idea of what a creative person should be.
Russell Brand
#52. I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler
#53. I guess I forgot we were going out tonight."
"We always go out on Fridays."
"It's Thursday, Alvis."
"You are so tied to routine.
Jess Walter
#54. The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy
#55. If we'd done this my way,' Garrett went on, 'We'd have been here much earlier.'
'And drunk, most likely,' said Maiev.
'You say "drunk," I say "happy",' Garrett shrugged.
Grant Smuts
#56. Glasses are for people that sips instead of drinks.
Kai Starr
#57. It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)
John Duover
#58. If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy
E.J. Eisman
#59. D'Artagnan: Why is Athos sitting by himself?
Aramis: He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry, he'll be his usual charming self by morning.
Alexandre Dumas
#60. I'm going out for a bottle of champagne. We're going to get bombed.
Stephen King
#61. Sparhawk grinned. "If Martel finds out that he's drinking again, he'll reach down his throat and pull his heart out." "Can you actually do that to a man?" "You can if your arm's long enough, and if you know what you're looking for.[ ... ]
David Eddings
#62. I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
Darynda Jones
#63. These days he smoked and drank largely to solace himself for what drinking and smoking had done to him, so he drank and smoked a lot. He experimented, furthermore, with pretty well any other drug he could get his hands on,
Martin Amis
#64. This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink ... mug of water.
Russell Brand
#65. He only drinks when he gets depressed,' said Carrot.
'Why does he get depressed?'
'Sometimes it's because he hasn't had a drink.
Terry Pratchett
#66. Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies.
Joseph Addison
#67. Georgie grabbed a Zima then poured it into a cup so she wouldn't look like she was drinking Zima.
Rainbow Rowell
#68. Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar."
"Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.
Daniel Younger
#69. Willy, one of the guys at the distillery, comes up with what Oliver and I agree is the best definition of what a 'dram' actually is: 'A measure of whisky that is pleasing to both guest and host.
Iain Banks
#70. I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#71. There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)
Gerard De Marigny
#72. Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.
Eleanor Brown
#73. Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you.
Jennifer Crusie
#74. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.
Ryan Lilly
#75. To alcohol! The cause of ... and solution to ... all of life's problems
Matt Groening
#76. I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead.
Dan Dunn
#77. Tea? Good God, no. It's mud. How the British ever built an empire drinking the filthy stuff is beyond me. And if we carry on drinking it, I've no doubt that the empire won't last much longer. No, a civilized person drinks coffee.
Charlie Higson
#78. Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
Ryan Mecum
#79. Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?
Regina Griffin
#80. Johnny was one for taking notions. He'd take a notion that life was too much for him and start drinking heavier to forget it.
Betty Smith
#81. Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W.C. Fields
#82. The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
Lewis Grizzard
#83. I'm more than a few neurons shy of a synapse right now, and it feels absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.
Nenia Campbell
#84. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
#85. Let's just say that once the party was over, the Tribe had the decency to put most of the things back into place with the possible, and otherwise notable, exception of the platypus and a moronic drinking game that later evolved into the imperial measurement system.
Sorin Suciu
#86. You never know what the vodka will bring," I laughed.
"Oh, like the time you caught my hair on fire at the candlelight party in Mel's basement! That was the craziest thing that I ever had happen to me. If you hadn't switched to water, I would have been bald!"
-Cora, Nessa
Andrea Heltsley
#87. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
Josh Stern
#88. It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?
Amy Neftzger
#89. Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Steve Martin
#90. You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.
Christy Hall
#91. A cigarette, a sip, a question; breathing, drinking and asking, she demonstrates all the basic applications for the human mouth.
Chuck Palahniuk
#92. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin
#93. The Americans called theirs the Officers Club but the Canadians called ours the Officers Mess. The American term was the more honest; ours the more accurate. Drunken officers at play are messy.
R.J. Childerhose
#94. If you want to keep your dignity intact, stay away from tequila.
Alida Nugent
#95. You ever get the feeling we're in way, WAY over our heads?' Kate asked.
David shrugged. 'I get that feeling every time I go drinking with you.
Chris Lester
#96. Oh" She seems relieved. "So you weren't - "
"Don't worry, Ms.Grey. I wasn't drinking, smoking, toking or snorting in school. I keep the recreational drug use at home where it belongs.
Courtney Summers
#97. Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?"
"What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said.
"Tomorrow morning," Mabel said.
Libba Bray
#98. That would work in a court of law. But we're not in a court of law. We're in the court of tequila. And in the court of tequila, you and I both know you were lying.
Melanie Shawn
#99. No, I went to the bar to ask for a mojito and that guy Johnny said he didn't make mojitos. Then he offered to make me a mint julep, in one of those silver cups and everything."
"Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?" Lucy asked.
Mary Jane Hathaway
#100. Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked.
"Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?"
Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough.
Jennifer Rardin
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