Lewis Grizzard Quotes

#1. Show business is my life.

Lewis Grizzard

#2. They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

Lewis Grizzard

#3. Chilli dawgs always bark at night.

Lewis Grizzard

#4. The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Lewis Grizzard

#5. There's no such thing as being too Southern.

Lewis Grizzard

#6. I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

Lewis Grizzard

#7. On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

Lewis Grizzard

#8. Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

Lewis Grizzard

#9. I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Lewis Grizzard

#10. I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard

#11. There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

Lewis Grizzard

#12. Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Lewis Grizzard

#13. Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.

Lewis Grizzard

#14. If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Lewis Grizzard

#15. In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

Lewis Grizzard

#16. Spring time is the land awakening.

Lewis Grizzard

#17. I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Lewis Grizzard

#18. The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

Lewis Grizzard

#19. Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

Lewis Grizzard

#20. I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Lewis Grizzard

#21. When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care?

Lewis Grizzard

#22. I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

Lewis Grizzard

#23. I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Lewis Grizzard

#24. Let's all start walking more and driving less.

Lewis Grizzard

#25. Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

Lewis Grizzard

#26. It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Lewis Grizzard

#27. It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Lewis Grizzard

#28. Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.

Lewis Grizzard

#29. If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

Lewis Grizzard

#30. If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

Lewis Grizzard

#31. If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

Lewis Grizzard

#32. Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Lewis Grizzard

#33. There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

Lewis Grizzard

#34. The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.

Lewis Grizzard

#35. The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Lewis Grizzard

#36. Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

Lewis Grizzard

#37. If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes.

Lewis Grizzard

#38. You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Lewis Grizzard

#39. Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Lewis Grizzard

#40. Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself.

Lewis Grizzard

#41. God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

Lewis Grizzard