Top 100 W.C. Fields Quotes
#1. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W.C. Fields
#2. All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
W.C. Fields
#3. The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W.C. Fields
#4. During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W.C. Fields
#5. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W.C. Fields
#6. Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C. Fields
#7. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W.C. Fields
#8. How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W.C. Fields
#9. Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?
W.C. Fields
#10. I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W.C. Fields
#11. There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
W.C. Fields
#12. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W.C. Fields
#13. The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
W.C. Fields
#14. What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
W.C. Fields
#15. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. Fields
#16. Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
W.C. Fields
#17. I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W.C. Fields
#18. I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.
W.C. Fields
#19. Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W.C. Fields
#20. I only drink to steady my nerves ... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W.C. Fields
#21. Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W.C. Fields
#22. The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
W.C. Fields
#23. If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W.C. Fields
#24. Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W.C. Fields
#25. I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
W.C. Fields
#26. Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
W.C. Fields
#28. Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W.C. Fields
#30. It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
W.C. Fields
#31. I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C. Fields
#32. Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W.C. Fields
#33. I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W.C. Fields
#34. Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W.C. Fields
#35. Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
W.C. Fields
#36. I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W.C. Fields
#37. Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W.C. Fields
#38. I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
W.C. Fields
#39. Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W.C. Fields
#40. When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W.C. Fields
#41. Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
W.C. Fields
#42. I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
W.C. Fields
#44. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W.C. Fields
#45. Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W.C. Fields
#46. I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W.C. Fields
#47. When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says ... And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
W.C. Fields
#48. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
W.C. Fields
#49. I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
W.C. Fields
#50. Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
W.C. Fields
#51. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
#52. The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.
W.C. Fields
#53. This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W.C. Fields
#54. Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
W.C. Fields
#55. The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W.C. Fields
#56. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
W.C. Fields
#57. I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
W.C. Fields
#58. What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
W.C. Fields
#59. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W.C. Fields
#60. Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
W.C. Fields
#61. Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
W.C. Fields
#62. There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
W.C. Fields
#63. It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W.C. Fields
#64. Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh.
W.C. Fields
#65. I was married once
in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W.C. Fields
#66. It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
W.C. Fields
#67. Never mind what I told you
you do as I tell you.
W.C. Fields
#69. Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W.C. Fields
#70. I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
W.C. Fields
#71. My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
W.C. Fields
#72. Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W.C. Fields
#73. Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
W.C. Fields
#74. If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
W.C. Fields
#75. I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W.C. Fields
#76. It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W.C. Fields
#77. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W.C. Fields
#78. Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
W.C. Fields
#79. Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W.C. Fields
#80. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W.C. Fields
#82. I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
W.C. Fields
#83. It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
W.C. Fields
#84. California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
W.C. Fields
#85. Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W.C. Fields
#86. So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
W.C. Fields
#87. Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W.C. Fields
#88. I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
W.C. Fields
#89. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields
#90. If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
W.C. Fields
#91. I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.
W.C. Fields
#92. I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
W.C. Fields
#93. I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
W.C. Fields
#94. I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
W.C. Fields
#95. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W.C. Fields
#96. The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
W.C. Fields
#97. When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W.C. Fields
#98. Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W.C. Fields
#99. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
W.C. Fields
#100. Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
W.C. Fields
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