Top 100 Condom Quotes: Famous Quotes & Sayings About Condom

#1. Tagged by a whiny little vamp. Rache, take this sword and stick it in me. Just go and stick it in me. I'm a back-drafted, crumpled-winged, dust-caked, dew-assed excuse of a backup. Worthless as a pixy condom. Taken down by my own partner. Just tape my ass shut and let me fart out my mouth.

Kim Harrison

#2. Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.

Mark Gungor

#3. It seemed to me, watching, that if you were dextrous enough to gift-wrap an independent-minded amphibian, you could just about manage a condom.

Naomi Wolf

#4. did he bring a condom to have sex with a woman with no uterus?

Carol Maloney Scott

#5. Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

David Mitchell

#6. Liberty," he continued, wrinkling his nose at the used condom that lay on the bottom flight of steps, toeing it to the side of the stairs with distaste. "Someone could slip on that. Break their necks," he muttered, interrupting himself. "Like a banana peel, only with bad taste and irony thrown in.

Neil Gaiman

#7. A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

Bill Engvall

#8. I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Tara Sivec

#9. As a film was little more than a ninety-six minute search for a condom, I had to wonder why anyone thought it wise to spend almost eighty million dollars producing it.

Marshall Thornton

#10. The difference between a retiring man and a used condom is that the condom isn't given a golden watch to inspire the illusion that it still matters to whomever that has just used it.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#11. One of the problems with sex education ... is that it also strips kids - especially girls - of their modesty to have every detail of anatomy, physiology and condom usage made explicit.

James Dobson

#12. It needs to become as easy to get hold of a condom in a poor country as Coca-Cola.

Clare Short

#13. Is that a condom?" I asked.
"Yeah, basically", she said.
"But is different than a condom? Like, what do you call the product?"
"A condom.

Lena Dunham

#14. Just a bit of advice," I mutter. "That sort of physical contact with Chloe Murphy should require a full body condom, lest you contract something extremely difficult - if not impossible - to get rid of.

Kim Holden

#15. She didn't tell me to use a condom, so I didn't: a bit of a risk, but it's her risk, not mine,

David Mitchell

#16. Princess, your temper tantrums make you as defective as an open-ended condom.

Gena Showalter

#17. If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

Stephen Colbert

#18. Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

Katt Williams

#19. When someone is HIV-positive and his partner says, I want to have sexual relations with you, he doesn't have to do that. But when he does, he has to use a condom.

Godfried Danneels

#20. Do you happen to have another Condom? I think I've discovered the cure for headaches.

Stephen King

#21. Speaking of which, about assuming you had a condom - I just meant that you, with your experience, would be prepared for responsible sex, even if it were on the fly. An intelligent man is prepared for spontaneity.

Roberta Pearce

#22. And why did men insist on buying the largest size? Didn't they understand the concept of sizes? Did they think buying a magnum sized condom was going to fool me into thinking their Toyota Camery was an aircraft carrier?

Penny Reid

#23. The security guy asked my name address and phone number, and then he asked me what was the difference between a condom and a cockpit.

Chuck Palahniuk

#24. But since Sloth I've been so monogamous I make the demonstration banana that AIDS educators use to show how to put on a condom, look slutty.

Lauren Beukes

#25. I feel like I should have a formation and make the plantoon sergeants demonstrate how to put a condom on the correct way."

~Evan Loehr

Jessica Scott

#26. There are three things you never want to find in your boyfriend's locker: a sweaty jockstrap, a D minus on last week's history test, and an empty condom wrapper.
Lucky me, I'd hit the trifecta.

Gemma Halliday

#27. Sometimes you're about as funny as a busted condom.

Mark Coggins

#28. After slipping the condom on, he rolled on top of her, shoved her hair out of her face and held it while he got lost in those sea green eyes that, in a darkened room, shined bright.
He wanted her. And it wasn't just the sex. He wanted the whole nutty package.

Adrienne Giordano

#29. I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.)

Jarod Kintz

#30. The condom has saved so many lives, and it'll save so many more lives. We really owe a great deal to the rubber tree.

Mechai Viravaidya

#31. Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts ...

Clive James

#32. I'm not your old lady," I declared. He grinned and asked, "You aren't?" "No," I stated firmly. "In my tee, in my bed, after a night where my condom stash got lighter by three, lady. Beg to differ," he replied.

Kristen Ashley

#33. It's hard to unlock a door with a condom," Emma shot back.
His brilliant smile stole her heart. "Honey, you'd be surprised how many doors those babies have unlocked.

Jami Davenport

#34. I would think that if you understood what sex education is, you would get down on your knees and worship a condom.

Jane Fonda

#35. I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Dana Gould

#36. Ranger was grinning widely. As soon as he got to Landry, who was still giggling, Ranger straddled him again and planted a hand on either side of his head as he spit out the condom.

Patricia Logan

#37. Religion reminds me of a lace condom. While lovingly crafted, it's not designed for pleasure; unless inflated with fervour, it collapses; one size does not fit all; and no matter how many times you dunk it in holy water, it will not prevent misconceptions or contagion.

Lowestoft Thellow

#38. SlingBlade: If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

Tucker Max

#39. Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That's a kids' show?

Amber L. Johnson

#40. You're going to need this," she said, and pulled out a condom.
"At some point, we're also going to need a defibrillator and a fire extinguisher."
"Promises, promises.

Nora Roberts

#41. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 The first time was a nightmare. Who shows you how to use a condom?

Adam Ant

#42. Oh yeah, this was so comforting. Like a porcupine in a condom factory.' (Danger)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#43. The guy who doesn't wear a seat belt doesn't wear a condom. You should put one on.

Chris Kasparoza

#44. Until someone invented a fang condom, she'd continue stealing from the blood bank.

Kresley Cole

#45. By that she means fully erect. Condom-ready.

Chuck Palahniuk

#46. So, did the costume come with a condom, or is that sold separately?

Rachel Vincent

#47. You'll kiss me after I rim you." Wade sat up a little so he could stare me down. "But a used condom on the floor you have a problem with?

Ethan Day

#48. Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don't know these things. I'm new to politics.

Jarod Kintz

#49. My parents were high school sweethearts, which is a term that means "too stupid to use a condom.

John Goode

#50. In a French accent developed through a lifetime of using English I said, 'Hello sir, I would like to row the English Channel in a bath please.'
What actually arrived in the ear of the French Navy man was, 'Hello sire, I would like to fight a condom across a bath if you please.

Tim FitzHigham

#51. maybe the love of my life got stuck in a condom

Nikki Davey

#52. If we only said safe sex, use a condom, we won't stop the spread of AIDS in this country.

Thabo Mbeki

#53. Any guy who tells you he is carrying a condom in his wallet in case of an emergency is full of shit. We only put a condom in our wallet with the full intention of using it the night we put it in there.

Shandi Boyes

#54. I could become a nun even if I am a non-believer. I'll learn to fake it like Nick did with me. I will minister the gospel of compassion and kindness and please, always use a condom, from famine-stricken nations to war-torn dead zones. It's possible I might become a nun who kisses other nuns ...

Rachel Cohn

#55. Besides she's off birth control now. I don't want you guys naked within a hundred yards of her."
"Uh, how are we supposed to shower?"Trey asked.
Brian rolled his eyes in annoyance. "You can shower, dumbass. Just make sure you wear a condom."

Olivia Cunning

#56. I hate it when people take so long to drink a single glass. IT is like putting on a condom to masturbate.

Gregory David Roberts

#57. There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility,

Pope Benedict XVI

#58. I screwed the King of the Man-whores - condom-free - in a damned shed, because I'm classy like that.

Joanna Wylde

#59. Suzanne had totally forgotten about their court date since she'd been a little busy having tons of condom-free sex with Ryder, planning Nikki's wedding, and forming a placenta.

Erin McCarthy

#60. From the woman who musters the courage to ask her husband to wear a condom, counter to cultural pressures, to the woman in Parliament who demands access to affordable reproductive health services for women who need them most, daring knows no scale or status.

Purnima Mane

#61. I'm the type to have a bullet-proof condom and still gotta pull out.

Big Sean

#62. Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Dennis Miller

#63. If you want to stop, tell me now," he said as he ripped open a condom wrapper.
"Stop and I kill you.

Katie Reus

#64. There is no such thing as safe sex, since no one can create a condom for the soul.

Jayce O'Neal

#65. Didn't use a condom," he says with genuine regret in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I got so carried away. You're on birth control, right?

Jodi Ellen Malpas

#66. On a piece of wasteland in Leeds I once saw a used condom in the grass. A dead and sordid thing. And yet to my thirteen-year-old mind the whole mystery of life seemed to stream through it. Nothing I've seen since has been so eloquent of the thrilling and terrifying mysteries of life.

Glenn Haybittle

#67. The floor was littered with paper cups and candy wrappers and cigarette butts and other teenager droppings. I saw a used condom under my shoe.

David Wong

#68. If I could be the "condom queen" and get every young person who engaged in sex to use a condom in the United States, I would weara crown on my head with a condom on it! I would!

Joycelyn Elders

#69. Fear is the condom of life. It doesn't allow you to enjoy things.

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

#70. He stares at the them, mid mouthful. 'Please,' he says, after he's swallowed. 'It's bad enough that the middle-aged are having sex, without thinking of my aunt doing it. And I don't know why someone just doesn't tell Sam to use a condom instead of impregnating the women of the inner-west.

Melina Marchetta

#71. If you're going to have sex, use a condom.

Dennis Rodman

#72. Realization of his philandering arrived via an empty condom wrapper tucked in the back pocket of his jeans as I, the dutifully dumb girlfriend, decided to do him a favor by throwing some of his laundry in with mine.

Penny Reid

#73. So, a meaningful relationship. Dude, have fun, but wear a condom, that's all I can say

Kenneth Eade

#74. I don't have a condom.

Kendall Ryan

#75. I try to tell it he might have meant "Just be careful when you have sex. Use a condom," but instead, because, you know, it's a brain, and therefore has - is - a mind of its own, it starts thinking of every way in which Violet Markey might break my heart. I

Jennifer Niven

#76. You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

Amy Schumer

#77. The worst of all of this is the lie that condoms really protect against AIDS. The condom failure rate can be as high as 20 percent. Would you get on a plane - or put your children on a plane - if one of five passengers would be killed on the flight? Well, the statistic holds for condoms, folks.

Rush Limbaugh

#78. Take it all off. I don't intend to fuck somebody in his underwear. And you have to use a condom. I know where I've been, but I don't know where you've been. - Lisbeth Salander

Stieg Larsson

#79. I know the Pope is opposed to the use of condoms. All I can say is, I am a spiritual man and I've been happily married for 21 years. I don't even know what a condom is anymore.

Tom Hanks

#80. She's been used more often than a jailhouse condom.

Michael Robotham

#81. Before reading please place a condom over your head because it's about to be fucked.

Ker Dukey

#82. I became a diligent condom carrier and when most subsequent lovers had the good fortune to lie under my grunting, sweaty mass, they were always the grimacing recipient of an eager and rubber-sheathed penis boner.

Rob Delaney

#83. Use a condom. Those Reed men breed like rabbits." Then she walks into the booth with the others and we get set up to record some vocals. Rabbits. Little Reeds. I have to say, that's not an entirely bad thought.

Tammy Falkner

#84. What is it that you think about just before you get a condom? Sex!

Amy Lockwood

#85. Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions.

David Mazzucchelli

#86. The best advice I got from my dad? Wear a condom.

Richard Branson

#87. Even with the condom on, I can still feel the piercing enough. And I love it. In fact, I'm ruined. I'll never want another man without it. I

C.M. Owens

#88. Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself.

Joycelyn Elders

#89. Lock surveyed all the costumes. Some must have cost a small fortune and some were ridiculous. Is that supposed to be a used condom?

Shelly Laurenston

#90. I thought you were trying to prove to the board you're responsible?'
'I'll use a condom. Does that count?

Sarah Morgan

#91. Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Adam Carolla

#92. Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.

Jane Davitt

#93. You must always remember, the most important fashion accessory is the condom.

Lady Gaga

#94. They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Frankie Boyle

#95. Only one condom," he reminded her. "We used the other a few hours ago. We'll have to get creative."
Thank God. He was good at creative. Really, really good.

Jill Shalvis