Dennis Miller Quotes

#1. If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka. - Author: Dennis Miller

#2. In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted. - Author: Dennis Miller

#3. South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide! - Author: Dennis Miller

#4. I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day. - Author: Dennis Miller

#5. Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me. - Author: Dennis Miller

#6. Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong. - Author: Dennis Miller

#7. The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. - Author: Dennis Miller

#8. And the reason parenting is becoming increasingly crucial is that we now live in a world that is more fucked up than Peter O'Toole on his birthday. - Author: Dennis Miller

#9. Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi. - Author: Dennis Miller

#10. I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something. - Author: Dennis Miller

#11. Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. - Author: Dennis Miller

#12. What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. - Author: Dennis Miller

#13. In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to. - Author: Dennis Miller

#14. The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto. - Author: Dennis Miller

#15. The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop. - Author: Dennis Miller

#16. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. - Author: Dennis Miller

#17. He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house. - Author: Dennis Miller

#18. Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. - Author: Dennis Miller

#19. We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. - Author: Dennis Miller

#20. When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. - Author: Dennis Miller

#21. I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun. - Author: Dennis Miller

#22. Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. - Author: Dennis Miller

#23. The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night. - Author: Dennis Miller

#24. I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love. - Author: Dennis Miller

#25. The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. - Author: Dennis Miller

#26. A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.' - Author: Dennis Miller

#27. The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible. - Author: Dennis Miller

#28. The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic. - Author: Dennis Miller

#29. Schadenfreude is as old as the Scriptures. Believe me, when the girls in the Red Sea bowling league heard that Lot's wife had morphed into a pillar of salt, the deer-lick jokes flew. - Author: Dennis Miller

#30. Just put down 9/11 ... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. - Author: Dennis Miller

#31. Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar. - Author: Dennis Miller

#32. Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars. - Author: Dennis Miller

#33. It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone. - Author: Dennis Miller

#34. It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. - Author: Dennis Miller

#35. Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Author: Dennis Miller

#36. Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? - Author: Dennis Miller

#37. Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place. - Author: Dennis Miller

#38. I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to. - Author: Dennis Miller

#39. I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass. - Author: Dennis Miller

#40. Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts. - Author: Dennis Miller

#41. We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. - Author: Dennis Miller

#42. How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching. - Author: Dennis Miller

#43. CVS is an extreme case among retailers. Its new hires are almost always either recent grads or people who have bounced around the pharmacy world so often that they have nowhere left to go. - Author: Dennis Miller

#44. A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. - Author: Dennis Miller

#45. The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle. - Author: Dennis Miller

#46. Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group. - Author: Dennis Miller

#47. Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. - Author: Dennis Miller

#48. Sometimes you just have the thin the herd. - Author: Dennis Miller

#49. I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. - Author: Dennis Miller

#50. A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error. - Author: Dennis Miller

#51. One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. - Author: Dennis Miller

#52. There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years. - Author: Dennis Miller

#53. When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb. - Author: Dennis Miller

#54. Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. - Author: Dennis Miller

#55. Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse. - Author: Dennis Miller

#56. Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. - Author: Dennis Miller

#57. Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in. - Author: Dennis Miller

#58. I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you. - Author: Dennis Miller

#59. I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son. - Author: Dennis Miller

#60. I have a prescription here for Obecalp for [patient's name], but I can't find it listed anywhere." He said, "Oh. That's placebo spelled backwards. - Author: Dennis Miller

#61. Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians. - Author: Dennis Miller

#62. And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee. - Author: Dennis Miller

#63. [T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, You mean I'm not going to prison? - Author: Dennis Miller

#64. Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this." - Author: Dennis Miller

#65. I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. - Author: Dennis Miller

#66. Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester. - Author: Dennis Miller

#67. It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film. - Author: Dennis Miller

#68. Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes! - Author: Dennis Miller

#69. Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. - Author: Dennis Miller

#70. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again. - Author: Dennis Miller

#71. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. - Author: Dennis Miller

#72. That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena. - Author: Dennis Miller

#73. 5) "lost" prescriptions (for example, a customer dropped off a prescription on Tuesday and returned on Wednesday only to find that the pharmacy staff can find no trace of that prescription - it happens more often than you think!). - Author: Dennis Miller

#74. The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in. - Author: Dennis Miller

#75. I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. - Author: Dennis Miller

#76. Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me. - Author: Dennis Miller

#77. Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet. - Author: Dennis Miller

#78. I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. - Author: Dennis Miller

#79. Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal. - Author: Dennis Miller

#80. The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics. - Author: Dennis Miller

#81. I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. - Author: Dennis Miller

#82. Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber. - Author: Dennis Miller

#83. I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. - Author: Dennis Miller

#84. We are overeducated pharmacy clerks (with doctorate degrees) answering the phone, running the cash register, ringing up donuts and dish soap while juggling 10 or more drug related issues per minute with our one technician yelling Override! - Author: Dennis Miller

#85. If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great. - Author: Dennis Miller

#86. Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. - Author: Dennis Miller

#87. The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists. - Author: Dennis Miller

#88. By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1. - Author: Dennis Miller

#89. Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. - Author: Dennis Miller

#90. And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial? - Author: Dennis Miller

#91. To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube. - Author: Dennis Miller

#92. Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. - Author: Dennis Miller

#93. Technology is fine ... , but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good. - Author: Dennis Miller

#94. A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. - Author: Dennis Miller

#95. There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. - Author: Dennis Miller

#96. I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed. - Author: Dennis Miller

#97. Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.' - Author: Dennis Miller

#98. Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch. - Author: Dennis Miller

#99. The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do. - Author: Dennis Miller

#100. I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person. - Author: Dennis Miller