Dana Gould Quotes

#1. Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Dana Gould

#2. When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Dana Gould

#3. Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Dana Gould

#4. Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Dana Gould

#5. If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Dana Gould

#6. My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Dana Gould

#7. A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Dana Gould

#8. If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Dana Gould

#9. How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Dana Gould

#10. The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Dana Gould

#11. The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Dana Gould

#12. What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Dana Gould

#13. If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Dana Gould

#14. Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Dana Gould

#15. Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Dana Gould

#16. Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Dana Gould

#17. Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Dana Gould

#18. What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Dana Gould

#19. Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Dana Gould

#20. Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Dana Gould

#21. Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Dana Gould

#22. I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Dana Gould

#23. My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Dana Gould

#24. If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Dana Gould

#25. Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Dana Gould

#26. I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Dana Gould

#27. Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Dana Gould

#28. If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ...

Dana Gould

#29. 59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Dana Gould

#30. I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Dana Gould

#31. Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Dana Gould

#32. Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Dana Gould

#33. This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Dana Gould

#34. Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dana Gould

#35. I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Dana Gould

#36. A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Dana Gould

#37. If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Dana Gould

#38. If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Dana Gould

#39. When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Dana Gould

#40. There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Dana Gould

#41. There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Dana Gould

#42. When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Dana Gould

#43. One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping ...

Dana Gould

#44. We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Dana Gould

#45. Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Dana Gould

#46. I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Dana Gould

#47. Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Dana Gould

#48. That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Dana Gould

#49. Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Dana Gould

#50. Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times ... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Dana Gould

#51. Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Dana Gould

#52. Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Dana Gould

#53. New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Dana Gould

#54. Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Dana Gould

#55. My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Dana Gould

#56. Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Dana Gould

#57. Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Dana Gould

#58. Competition is the death of art.

Dana Gould

#59. Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Dana Gould

#60. We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Dana Gould

#61. The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Dana Gould

#62. I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Dana Gould

#63. As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door ...

Dana Gould

#64. I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Dana Gould

#65. Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Dana Gould

#66. I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid ...

Dana Gould

#67. It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Dana Gould

#68. There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

Dana Gould

#69. The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Dana Gould

#70. I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Dana Gould

#71. That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Dana Gould

#72. Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Dana Gould

#73. No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Dana Gould

#74. I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Dana Gould

#75. If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Dana Gould

#76. The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Dana Gould

#77. In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Dana Gould

#78. I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Dana Gould

#79. As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Dana Gould

#80. To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Dana Gould

#81. When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Dana Gould

#82. In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Dana Gould

#83. I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Dana Gould

#84. Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years ...

Dana Gould

#85. Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Dana Gould

#86. If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Dana Gould

#87. I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Dana Gould

#88. How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Dana Gould

#89. The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Dana Gould

#90. I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Dana Gould

#91. I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Dana Gould

#92. I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire ...

Dana Gould

#93. A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

Dana Gould

#94. Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Dana Gould

#95. Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Dana Gould

#96. Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Dana Gould

#97. Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Dana Gould

#98. As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Dana Gould

#99. One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Dana Gould

#100. I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Dana Gould