Top 100 Tucker Max Quotes
#1. Publishing companies are like schoolyard bullies that can't even fight well.
Tucker Max
#2. FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.
Tucker Max
#3. I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.
Tucker Max
#4. If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it.
Tucker Max
#5. Having a soft major is nowhere near the career death sentence that so many make it out to be. The world is changing, and the U.S. economy with it. Our economy is shifting to a service- and information-based economy, and soft majors are already becoming more and more valuable.
Tucker Max
#7. Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.
Tucker Max
#8. If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.
Tucker Max
#9. You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity.
Tucker Max
#10. Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.
Tucker Max
#11. This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don't suffer fools well.
Tucker Max
#12. The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them
Tucker Max
#13. The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't.
Tucker Max
#14. I've heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a professor
Tucker Max
#15. Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none.
Tucker Max
#16. Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.
Tucker Max
#17. Unless you plan on making academia your life, all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.
Tucker Max
#18. What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.
Tucker Max
#19. The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.
Tucker Max
#20. When I give speeches at college, I don't tell stories, I talk about what it is to live your dreams and take the path less traveled.
Tucker Max
#21. Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.
Tucker Max
#22. Girl3 "You don't have to be a jerk"
SlingBlade "Quite the contrary, my sloppy penile scholar.Order me another drink and be quick about it.
Tucker Max
#23. I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.
Tucker Max
#24. If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.
Tucker Max
#25. I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.
Tucker Max
#26. Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.
Tucker Max
#27. She was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat:
Tucker Max
#28. There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.'
Tucker Max
#29. You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.
Tucker Max
#30. The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".
Tucker Max
#31. My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?
Tucker Max
#32. There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it.
Tucker Max
#33. It's like a mini Bourbon Street with less culture and more disgusting hookers.
Tucker Max
#34. Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late.
Tucker Max
#35. I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.
Tucker Max
#36. I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.
Tucker Max
#37. No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.
Tucker Max
#38. I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.
Tucker Max
#39. If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.
Tucker Max
#40. I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)
Tucker Max
#41. Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.
Tucker Max
#42. The thing that I think about the most, and is the most rewarding to me, is the whole past. That I kind of went from nothing to something and I did it on my own, and I did it through hard work and smarts.
Tucker Max
#43. No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.
Tucker Max
#44. When your buddy tells you a movie is good, that's worth 2,000 commercials.
Tucker Max
#45. Social media for the majority of companies is not about helping customers or improving products.
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#46. If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.
Tucker Max
#47. To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it
and you'll eventually get it.
Tucker Max
#48. I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.
Tucker Max
#49. My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro.
Tucker Max
#50. Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.
Tucker Max
#51. Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse.
Tucker Max
#53. The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.
Tucker Max
#54. Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.
Tucker Max
#55. Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.
Tucker Max
#56. Women always want the guy that other women want.
Tucker Max
#57. Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.
Tucker Max
#58. 9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.
Tucker Max
#59. I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.
Tucker Max
#60. Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!
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#61. The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for ...
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#62. Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?
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#63. Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.
Tucker Max
#64. Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.
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#65. Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.
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#66. One of life's great secrets: women don't look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women.
Tucker Max
#67. Earl "The Goat" Manigault was probably the greatest basketball player of all time, but Michael Jordan is universally regarded as the best ever. This is because The Goat only did it at Rucker Park, while Michael did it where it mattered: in front of the world.
Tucker Max
#69. General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.
Tucker Max
#70. That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
Tucker Max
#71. Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want
Tucker Max
#72. I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They're not. I'm going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.
Tucker Max
#73. WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!
Tucker Max
#74. The haters always scream the loudest.
Tucker Max
#75. One of us needs to get laid."
"Just one of us?"
"What are the odds of both of us getting laid?
Tucker Max
#76. If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.
Tucker Max
#77. You ever met one of those guys who, in a totally calm and composed way, can scare the shit out of you? Like an MMA fighter, or the fat Kardashian sister who married Lamar Odom?
Tucker Max
#78. Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.
Tucker Max
#79. You can't do anything yourself on TV ... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie.
Tucker Max
#80. A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you're not in that boat, which most people are not, personal branding makes no sense.
Tucker Max
#81. I prefer to keep fooling myself, at least for a little while longer.
Tucker Max
#82. Tucker "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Please speak up.
Tucker Max
#83. Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much.
Tucker Max
#84. Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for, but harder to keep.
Tucker Max
#85. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.
Tucker Max
#86. I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers.
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#87. I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore.
Tucker Max
#88. And that we were now those guys ... who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.
Tucker Max
#89. Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.
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#90. I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.
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#91. I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.
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#92. Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.
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#93. Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.
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#94. The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.
Tucker Max
#95. Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)
Tucker Max
#96. It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.
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#97. I never felt pressured to create more stories, but dealing with people became really aggravating.
Tucker Max
#98. To put it simply, we think books are too important to leave to writers, and we want the wisest, most experienced, most knowledgeable people on earth to be able to effectively and easily share their wisdom with the world.
Tucker Max
#99. I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.
Tucker Max
#100. I'm a decent-looking guy, but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look, I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out.
Tucker Max
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