Top 100 Jarod Kintz Quotes
#1. Sometimes I'll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I'll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels like it was written for me because it was written by me.
Jarod Kintz
#2. She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we're having pigs in a blanket. Yum!
Jarod Kintz
#3. A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you're having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who's as dry and exciting as a sack of flour.
Jarod Kintz
#4. He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)
Jarod Kintz
#5. I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water.
Jarod Kintz
#6. What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.
Jarod Kintz
#7. I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.
Jarod Kintz
#8. A glazed banana peel is not for eating, it's for innuendo.
Jarod Kintz
#10. I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.
Jarod Kintz
#11. Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.
Jarod Kintz
#12. Why pay for an undesirable outcome with someone else? For the same money, you could have paid me to stay at home and do nothing.
Jarod Kintz
#13. Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn't even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood.
Jarod Kintz
#14. I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn't earn, but did pay for.
Jarod Kintz
#15. My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque
Jarod Kintz
#16. If somebody kills me, at least I won't be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.
Jarod Kintz
#17. I'm great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment.
Jarod Kintz
#18. I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.
Jarod Kintz
#19. A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that's why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.
Jarod Kintz
#20. I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out!
Jarod Kintz
#21. The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.
Jarod Kintz
#22. If you want me, you'd better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.
Jarod Kintz
#23. The book "Little Women," what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.
Jarod Kintz
#24. Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you've got to take stuff. What, do you think someone's just going to hand you what you want?
Jarod Kintz
#25. I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!
Jarod Kintz
#26. If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can't kill on sight alone. It's the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.
Jarod Kintz
#27. For me, it's not about winning an award. It's also about not even being nominated.
Jarod Kintz
#28. I put the sing in single - especially when I'm in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they'd like to shout out while the water's getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance.
Jarod Kintz
#29. I don't believe in astronomy. Or is it astrology? I always get those two confused. But I'll tell you, that Copernicus was full of shit.
Jarod Kintz
#30. I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.
Jarod Kintz
#31. I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly.
Jarod Kintz
#32. 3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That's why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns using.
Jarod Kintz
#33. My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.
Jarod Kintz
#34. Her boyfriend can't hold a candle to me. Especially not while I'm holding the strobe light. It's hard to do modern dancing when you're living like it's 1882. Still, I make it look pretty easy.
Jarod Kintz
#35. Turn the fan off when I'm talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I'm saying.
Jarod Kintz
#36. It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out.
Jarod Kintz
#37. Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
Jarod Kintz
#38. I've been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I've been putting it off. I just need to knock it out and be done with it.
Jarod Kintz
#39. I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I'm going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood.
Jarod Kintz
#40. I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That'd make me piss like a champion.
Jarod Kintz
#41. Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.
Jarod Kintz
#42. Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer - even if he hasn't killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he's already killed - and will kill again.
Jarod Kintz
#43. I am who I've been pretending to be my whole life.
Jarod Kintz
#44. I don't like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
Jarod Kintz
#45. I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don't need convincing.
Jarod Kintz
#46. Don't point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That's how a real politician defers blame.
Jarod Kintz
#47. She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her from heavenly I love yous.
Jarod Kintz
#48. In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment.
Jarod Kintz
#49. Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren't the first, won't change the future by altering the past. If you can't be Neil Armstrong, then be Neil Armstronger.
Jarod Kintz
#50. I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It's this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can't be worse than the other guy.
Jarod Kintz
#51. Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, "Free sex with room."
Jarod Kintz
#52. I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.
Jarod Kintz
#53. If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you've never dreamed of and never wanted.
Jarod Kintz
#54. Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected.
Jarod Kintz
#55. When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they're only slaves. Through my clones, I am a slave to myself.
Jarod Kintz
#56. The term "global audience" is misleading and meaningless, but I'm proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At least while my grandma's vacationing in Ireland, my grandpa's in Germany, and my parents are visiting Australia.
Jarod Kintz
#57. I made an agreement with the fish. They'd give up their lives, if I'd eat every one that died for me.
Jarod Kintz
#58. A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it'll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You'd better get walking, because me and my camel won't be stopping until we have to pee.
Jarod Kintz
#59. Meet the Robinsoons - but meet them later.
Jarod Kintz
#60. Women are called the fairer sex. Are they just not as tan, or are they actually more reasonable?
Jarod Kintz
#61. I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me.
Jarod Kintz
#62. If love were orange, like an apple, there'd be nothing to compare it to.
Jarod Kintz
#63. The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing.
Jarod Kintz
#64. My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.
Jarod Kintz
#65. As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it's also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people of the future are the dangerous ones, because you'll never know how good they are.
Jarod Kintz
#66. I shit bricks, because I'm a constructive pooper.
Jarod Kintz
#67. I'm looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don't snuggle, you must cuddle - at a world champion level.
Jarod Kintz
#68. A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.
Jarod Kintz
#69. I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
Jarod Kintz
#70. The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.
Jarod Kintz
#71. If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?
Jarod Kintz
#72. Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.
Jarod Kintz
#73. My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.
Jarod Kintz
#74. A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat's rough tongue.
Jarod Kintz
#75. When you're a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.
Jarod Kintz
#76. I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.
Jarod Kintz
#77. I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).
Jarod Kintz
#78. Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.
Jarod Kintz
#79. Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.
Jarod Kintz
#80. In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.
Jarod Kintz
#81. My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?
Jarod Kintz
#82. My uncle just dropped in to see me, but his parachute didn't open up. So now we're waiting on the ambulance to come pick him up. (Hey, I would have drove him to the hospital, but gas prices are too high!)
Jarod Kintz
#83. I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she'll be displeased, because she didn't know I had a girlfriend.
Jarod Kintz
#84. A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don't know how exactly, because I'm not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.
Jarod Kintz
#85. I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.
Jarod Kintz
#86. A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.
Jarod Kintz
#87. A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn't leave their wallets in their pants.
Jarod Kintz
#88. He met her because I didn't show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where's my monument to love?
Jarod Kintz
#89. I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?
Jarod Kintz
#90. Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.
Jarod Kintz
#91. I'm a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn't even try! I simply waited. I'll bet I could even do it in my sleep.
Jarod Kintz
#92. A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.
Jarod Kintz
#93. I'll put an oven mitt on before I handle anything hot - including my penis.
Jarod Kintz
#94. She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it.
Jarod Kintz
#95. If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?
Jarod Kintz
#96. I ate the evidence he'd been murdered. What Carl called "Kevin," I called dinner.
Jarod Kintz
#97. Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that - if I were two people.
Jarod Kintz
#98. In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower - beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle.
Jarod Kintz
#99. To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person's not a little impulsive, they don't have a pulse.
Jarod Kintz
#100. Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.
Jarod Kintz
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