Top 100 Aziz Ansari Quotes
#1. people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous
Aziz Ansari
#2. I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.
Aziz Ansari
#3. What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
Aziz Ansari
#4. It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small!
Aziz Ansari
#5. Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
Aziz Ansari
#6. Emily told us. "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody.
Aziz Ansari
#7. I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
Aziz Ansari
#8. The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.
Aziz Ansari
#9. It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.
Aziz Ansari
#10. I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.
Aziz Ansari
#11. Encountering potential partners via online dating profiles reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information,
Aziz Ansari
#12. I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.
Aziz Ansari
#13. OH, Shit! Thanks for buying my book. That money is MINE.
Aziz Ansari
#14. Some are clearly so confused that they have taken to wearing fedoras. A difficult period indeed.
Aziz Ansari
#15. If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed. That makes it sound a little better than the uncle thing, right? We all like booze and weed more than we like our relatives, right?
Aziz Ansari
#16. what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that's who.
Aziz Ansari
#17. For guys and girls equally . . . there's just so many people. And there's someone around the corner or uptown or downtown who you might like just a fraction better than the person who's across from you right now.
Aziz Ansari
#18. divorced and living with an iguana, remarried with iguana, then divorced with seven iguanas because your iguana obsession ruined your relationship, and, finally, single with six iguanas (Arturo was sadly run over by an ice cream truck).
Aziz Ansari
#20. I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with them and wanting to hang out with them all of the time.
Aziz Ansari
#21. In the United States there's an optimistic expectation that most people will remain faithful to their partner, but actual data show great numbers of people will not.
Aziz Ansari
#22. In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.
Aziz Ansari
#23. They are more invested in the deep commitment to the relationship, rather than being personally invested in finding a soul mate, which can tend to lead to the "Is there something better out there for me?" mentality.
Aziz Ansari
#24. Today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket.
Aziz Ansari
#25. You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.
Aziz Ansari
#26. You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.
Aziz Ansari
#27. As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, OkCupid profile, and Tinder picture there's an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you.
Aziz Ansari
#28. I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.
Aziz Ansari
#29. My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.
Aziz Ansari
#30. At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Aziz Ansari
#31. I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.
Aziz Ansari
#32. no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them.
Aziz Ansari
#33. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
Aziz Ansari
#34. One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Aziz Ansari
#35. I entered the word "crisis" into Thesaurus, it suggested "hot potato" as a synonym. I could not write this book without letting you know that Thesaurus lists "hot potato" as a synonym for "crisis.
Aziz Ansari
#36. I am perpetually indecisive on even the most mundane decisions, and I couldn't imagine leaving such an important choice to other people
Aziz Ansari
#37. Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
Aziz Ansari
#38. If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word "hey" without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?
Aziz Ansari
#39. Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Aziz Ansari
#40. It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.
Aziz Ansari
#41. If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights ...
Aziz Ansari
#42. leaving, like, "Tanya, you're a very charming lady . . ." She said, "Aziz, you're a pretty charming guy too.
Aziz Ansari
#43. One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos.
Aziz Ansari
#44. Another idea from social psychology that goes into our texting games is the scarcity principle. Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available. When you are texting someone less frequently, you are, in effect, creating a scarcity of you and making yourself more attractive.
Aziz Ansari
#45. She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.
Aziz Ansari
#46. Do I call? Do I text? Do I send a Facebook message? Do I send up a smoke signal? How does one do that? Will I set my rented house on fire? How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell the home's owner, actor James Earl Jones, that I burned his house down trying to send a smoke signal?
Aziz Ansari
#47. Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation.
Aziz Ansari
#48. We have two selves: a real-world self and a phone self, and the nonsense our phone selves do can make our real-world selves look like idiots...Act like a dummy with your phone self aand send some thoughtless message full of spelling errors, and the real-world self will pay the price.
Aziz Ansari
#49. ...social media and the internet are introducing all kinds of new options into social and romantic life. And while it's exciting, sometimes even exhilarating, to have more choices, it's not necessarily making life easier.
Aziz Ansari
#50. In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call "the upgrade problem". Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.
Aziz Ansari
#51. What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
Aziz Ansari
#52. I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'
Aziz Ansari
#53. I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.
Aziz Ansari
#54. I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.
Aziz Ansari
#55. (On a side note, I would give pretty much anything to have been in the room where the guy said, "I've got it! We'll call it . . . Soapland!")
Aziz Ansari
#56. Soapland, where a guy lies on a waterproof mattress and a woman covers them both in soapy water and slides all over him. You can pay extra for additional services
Aziz Ansari
#57. The couples that did the novel and exciting activities showed a significantly greater increase in relationship quality.
Aziz Ansari
#58. Much of online dating, Finkel and company argued, is based on the faulty notion that the kind of information we can see in a profile is actually useful in determining whether that person would make a good partner.
Aziz Ansari
#59. When the older folks I interviewed described the reasons that they dated, got engaged to, and then married their eventual spouses, they'd say things like "He seemed like a pretty good guy," "She was a nice girl;" "He had a good job," and "She had access to doughnuts and I like doughnuts.
Aziz Ansari
#60. Come cook food with me and do nothing.
Aziz Ansari
#61. Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.
Aziz Ansari
#62. I spend so much time on the Internet ... I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
Aziz Ansari
#63. So: just drinks, minimal effort on his part, and you have travel to him. Ladies, are you getting sexually excited just reading this?!
Aziz Ansari
#64. There's something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we'll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn't clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options.
Aziz Ansari
#65. Schwartz is an encyclopedia of psychological research on choice problems. If asked to give a quote about him for the back of a book cover, I would say, "This motherfucker knows choice." As
Aziz Ansari
#67. Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
Aziz Ansari
#68. This gets into a fundamental change in how marriage is viewed. Today we see getting married as finding a life partner. Someone we love. But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new.
Aziz Ansari
#69. If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
Aziz Ansari
#70. I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs..
Aziz Ansari
#71. I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.
Aziz Ansari
#72. I know my fan base is a smart group of people.
Aziz Ansari
#73. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the "perfect person" that simply didn't exist in the past when "good enough" was good enough. When they're successful, though, the payoff is incredible.
Aziz Ansari
#74. Oh, I'm sure he's much more intelligent and thoughtful in person. This is just his "lazy phone persona.
Aziz Ansari
#75. Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?
Aziz Ansari
#76. You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'.
Aziz Ansari
#77. Other than friends and family, my favorite things are New York and stand-up. I love doing comedy in New York - I can do way more stand-up here than in Los Angeles.
Aziz Ansari
#78. Myself, Eric Wareheim, and Jason Woliner decided to start a Food Club where the three of us go to restaurants with a couple of other people. The three of us are the captains of the Food Club, so we have to wear the captains' hats.
Aziz Ansari
#79. For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
Aziz Ansari
#80. I just didn't want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.
Aziz Ansari
#81. Sometimes there's another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren't playing mind games or busy. They're just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.
Aziz Ansari
#82. Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness."1 Neurologically it's similar to the kind of love you feel for an old friend or a family member.
Aziz Ansari
#83. If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
Aziz Ansari
#84. Most of my teachers when I grew up were like older white women. So, I couldn't really channel them.
Aziz Ansari
#85. With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody.
Aziz Ansari
#86. Even if you say you "don't play games," that is a type of game - it is the "I don't play games" game.
Aziz Ansari
#87. Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
Aziz Ansari
#88. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are ... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
Aziz Ansari
#89. I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
Aziz Ansari
#90. What's up with these people and the food analogies?!
Aziz Ansari
#92. Everyone, including the women who said they were happily married, said they wanted their daughters and granddaughters to approach marriage differently from how they had.
Aziz Ansari
#93. And now I'm at home on a laptop again, typing out stuff for this chapter that you are reading right now, possibly on a screen as well!
Aziz Ansari
#94. It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.
Aziz Ansari
#96. This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.
Aziz Ansari
#97. When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't
even know who Ginuwine is.
Aziz Ansari
#98. The 'good-enough marriage' is definitely not good enough for today's singles. We're not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents.
Aziz Ansari
#99. I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
Aziz Ansari
#100. I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat.
Aziz Ansari
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