Top 98 I Am Not Funny Quotes
#1. I am not funny. The writers were funny. My directors were funny. The situations were funny ... What I am is brave. I have never been scared. Not when I did movies, certainly not when I was a model and not when I did I Love Lucy.
Lucille Ball
#2. Evan to Bethany: "Just trust me."
"You say it like it's so easy."
"Of course it's not."
"Then how am I supposed to 'just trust' you?"
"Funny thing about trust ... Sometimes you have to give it before you can experience it.
Katie Ganshert
#3. I feel no grief for being called something
which
I am not;
in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a good
back rub
Charles Bukowski
#5. My vanity is not dead. I laugh when I see pictures of myself as I am now-maybe so I won't cry, but just because it is really funny how much I've changed.
Michael Zaslow
#7. I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Jimmy Carr
#8. I think we're avoiding the most important question here. What matters most. What means the most to men like us."
Conall growled at Billy Dunwich's sincere face. "I am not telling you if she swallows."
Dunwich smiled. "Just tell me if she's a good girl ... or if she's a very good girl?
Shelly Laurenston
#9. I am always drawn to men that are funny. I do not know why. But I am always drawn to people that are struggling with parts of themselves ... But it's like in the end, there has to be confidence.
Vanessa Carlton
#10. I'm not a quick wit. I'm only funny on paper. I mean, I'm not totally humorless! It's just that in person, I'm not quite the way I am on paper.
Mary Roach
#11. Was already different because I was a twin. Funny how you can say that: I am a twin. Not I am one of twins, but I actually am A Twin. Like there's two of me all the time, this other one right here beside me whether you can see him or not. Or as if you're saying, I'm a Half.
Niall Williams
#12. So often, I read scripts and am like, 'This would never happen in real life. It's not trying to be funny. It's trying to be serious.'
Shailene Woodley
#13. I strike fear into you because I am a man?"
"It isn't funny."
"I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.
Catherine Anderson
#14. At once, it's clear I cannot gush. We try me playing cocky, but I just don't have the arrogance. Apparently, I'm too "vulnerable" for ferocity. I'm not witty. Funny. Sexy. Or mysterious By the end of the session, I am no one at all.
Suzanne Collins
#16. It's funny because the voice-over world is definitely another career. It's another outlet to be creative. But, I'm just not invested, in the way that I am with film and television.
Emmanuelle Chriqui
#17. I can eat you at breakfast, not because I am a monster; it is only because you are too cute and yummy.
M.F. Moonzajer
#18. I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe."
"'Know thyself.'"
"We try, sir.
Lois McMaster Bujold
#19. Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#20. They are funny, too. And not always intentionally, either, which as far as I am concerned is the very best kind of funny.
Michael Booth
#21. You will stay with me. You will sleep here at my side and you will touch me. I am depressed but not when you stroke my chest.
Laurann Dohner
#22. It's funny about a face, how big a difference it makes. I mean, one day you look in th mirror and you think, yeah, that's me, that's my face. And then another day ... you think, that's not me, that's not my face. So am I my face? I mean is that all I am?
John Marsden
#23. What? What's so funny? Some idiot tried to put a stake through your heart, and he didn't even hit the darn thing!"
For which I am grateful. And I am even more grateful that you rescued me. I did not like being imprisoned and in such pain.
Christine Feehan
#24. My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - "
"I am NOT naming our child Buford ...
Cassandra Clare
#25. I am not fake, I am just too good to be true (-:
Mahsati Abdul
#26. I'm not blond or super fit or perfect. Not romantic, not "an individual," and definitely not a genius. So what am I? I'll tell you what : a bridesmaid.
Tamara Summers
#27. There are ledgers. Those I kill. Those I reward."
"There are legends. You used to be one."
"I am a legend."
"Dani's a legend. Not you."
"This Dani appears to matter to you."
"Always."
"Perhaps you had a funny way of showing it.
Karen Marie Moning
#28. It does not mean you are not awesome, if no one ever appreciates your beauty. But I can see that, in your juicy eyes, funny smiles and innocent face. And I am telling you now; you are exceptionally beautiful and awesome.
M.F. Moonzajer
#29. To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
Bill Burr
#30. I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I'm not funny. I'm not good. I'm - I don't feel original.
Will Ferrell
#31. Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
Christopher Titus
#32. It's all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in fuckwittage.
Helen Fielding
#33. Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
Lewis Black
#34. I am lactose intolerant, and I always thought it was really funny how people who are lactose intolerant continue to eat dairy, because they like it so much. And I find it not acceptable.
Lake Bell
#35. People think I am funny all the time. But I am not. I am serious, too. Also, I enjoy serious, dramatic films.
Kapil Sharma
#36. The funny thing is, I don't actually think of myself as fat at all. I don't think I am. Not really.
Jo Brand
#37. It's funny, because '1600 Penn' was the first time I really started to read the reviews, because I am an executive producer and I wanted to see what people were enjoying and not enjoying as a means to an end, right?
Josh Gad
#38. I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn't change for Vegas.
Henry Cho
#39. If I am totally honest, I would have to say that 'Allo 'Allo!' was not my cup of tea, even though lots of people loved it. For that reason, I find comedy fascinating. There is a huge difference between what people find funny.
Jo Brand
#40. Am I suggesting that you must feel sorry for divorce lawyers and prepare to pay every penny of their fees? Of course not! You deserve justice, and the lawyer can be lured into delivering said justice at a seriously discounted price!
Portia Porter
#41. If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
Greg Proops
#42. Mr. McCabe thinks that I am not serious but only funny, because Mr. McCabe thinks that funny is the opposite of serious. Funny is the opposite of not funny and nothing else.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
#43. " ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."
Charles Dickens
#44. I am not gonna say that a guy's looks make him have to try harder in any way. I don't believe that at all. I think if he is funny, smart and cool, he's all set. Looks are not very important to me.
Valerie Azlynn
#45. We have tons of live performances that we're putting on there. We have music videos. There's a music video for the song called I Am Jesus what is one of the funniest music videos, like we just could not find a place for it in the movie, but it's like crazy funny. And we have the whole video.
Nicholas Stoller
#46. It would be silly for a demon to dress up and go trick-or-treating. What would I be anyways, a human girl? Ha, it's funny. I kind of already am playing dress up. I get random treats, only to be taunted that they were but tricks. Turns out, it's not so funny.
Amy Lunderman
#47. When I was young I thought, 'Yeah, people don't see, they're not recognizing how funny I am, and how talented I am'. And the guys that mentored me were like, 'You just have to keep getting up'. And I look back and they were right. They were all right.
Aisha Tyler
#48. I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.
Carol Burnett
#49. People may feel that I am materialistic, ideal, idiot, cool, funny. Its not their perception but my projection and I always have my own reasons for my being.
Giridhar Alwar
#50. Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.
Eoin Colfer
#51. Aaron: Dude, one thing the guy said is you don't taunt voodoo.
Zak: Am I taunting?
Aaron: Dude, you're taunting the crap out of it!
Zak: I am sorry, I am not taunting you I am just talking ... Talking loudly.
Zak Bagans
#52. Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
Jesse Andrews
#54. I awake with a not entirely sickened knowledge that I am merely young again and in a funny way at peace, an observer who is aware of time's chariot, aware that some metamorphosis has occurred.
Harold Brodkey
#55. I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.
Karl Pilkington
#56. I'm not just a singer of funny songs; I am basically, first and foremost, a musician. I'm always recording all styles of music.
Ray Stevens
#57. I do not like onions. It's so funny because I am probably one of the least picky eaters ever. Pretty much any type of new food, I'll try it, I'll eat it. But onions, and pork. Pork and onions.
Stacie Orrico
#58. What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
Sam Kinison
#59. No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one.
S.C. Stephens
#60. I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.
Renita D'Silva
#61. Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know.
Michael Hogan
#62. I am not a trained writer and I don't think anyone would accuse me of being a funny person. But I feel God has truly blessed me.
Vantile Whitfield
#64. Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.
Jo Brand
#65. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#66. Why are you covering your breasts?"
Turning her back to him, she stepped into her dress.
"Why are you so interested in my breasts?"
"I am only interested in them because you hide them," he informed her. "I would not find them interesting if you would stop wearing clothing.
Viola Rivard
#67. When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around.
M.F. Moonzajer
#68. I wouldn't be where I am without these Funny or Die videos in general. When I was first starting out, I would take roles just to get the experience, but not exactly because I believed in the projects I was doing.
Dave Franco
#69. I watch women continuously. I want them to look beautiful, I am not interested in making them funny, but just beautiful. They have got to look marvelous to please their own men.
Gianni Versace
#70. It's funny, my girlfriends think that because I am married to a fashion designer, I get all these great tips and hints about great fashion, but it's not like that at all. He never tells me what to wear.
Lori Loughlin
#71. I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ...
David Cross
#72. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
#73. I nod like a trained puppy, hoping to god I'm not drooling. How am I supposed to go on stage when I can't take my eyes off her?
I think he's comatose.
Cassie Mae
#74. One of my fears is that I'm suddenly not going to be funny, but still think I am. That's like my nightmare that I can wake up in a cold sweat from.
Judd Apatow
#75. Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.
Rowan Atkinson
#76. FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.
S.J Perelman
#77. Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it's funny. You're just sitting there like, 'Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?' It's such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.
Todd Phillips
#78. Being sexy is just one component. It's not a thing I am. It's a thing I can be. It's a side of myself I can tap into, just like I can tap into my funny side, my quirky side or my dramatic side. It's not what I am.
Eva Mendes
#79. To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct.
John Waters
#80. Please don't arrest me."
"Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop."
"Are you sure?"
"Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure."
"You could be undercover.
Derek Landy
#81. I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.
Criss Jami
#82. The truth is, I've never thought of myself as the Michael Jordan of comedy. And that's a good thing. You know why? Because I'm not. Wasn't that Richard Pryor? Yes, it was. I know what I am: I'm funny!
Tracy Morgan
#83. I'm not a fan of any genre but am a fan of movies that are intelligent and/or funny. That goes across all genres: a horror movie, a zombie movie, alien invaders, chick flick, or raunchy comedy. If it's well done, I'm a fan.
J.K. Simmons
#84. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
#85. I love everything about Tyler Durden, his courage and his smarts. His nerve. Tyler is funny and charming and forceful and independent, and men look up to him and expect him to change their world. Tyler is capable and free, and I am not.
Chuck Palahniuk
#86. I am funny, but I'm not about funny ...
I'm about peace & justice.
Patch Adams
#88. I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.
... Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly ... I just wish I knew why ... "
He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. "I suspect it is simply my good looks ...
J.K. Rowling
#89. Funny how you always called me Albert when I am not Albert. I answered all the same.
Nin Andrews
#90. I am not showing off. I am just being expressive!
Nelson Jack
#91. People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
Erma Bombeck
#92. I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers.
Franz Liszt
#93. I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.
Jeremy Clarkson
#94. THUMB,
I HOPE I WILL NOT BORE YOU WITH HOW TOTALLY, TOTALLY I ADORE YOU. THE FUNNY WAY YOU HAVE OF TALKING, THE CUTE WAY YOU HAVE OF WALKING. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THAT I AM STALKING YOU.
LOVE, HENDERSON
Phoebe Stone
#95. I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
Will Rogers
#96. Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break ... juggle something.
Dom Irrera
#97. You say very funny things. I am sorry I can't say funny things back. This is not a funny time for me.
Kurt Vonnegut
#98. I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it
Ken Murray
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
