Top 100 Christopher Titus Quotes
#2. The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Christopher Titus
#3. Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
#4. Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
Christopher Titus
#5. Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
#6. Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Christopher Titus
#7. The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer ... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Christopher Titus
#9. Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you ... he ... loves you.
Christopher Titus
#10. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Christopher Titus
#11. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Christopher Titus
#13. My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.
Christopher Titus
#14. A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
Christopher Titus
#15. And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I ... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Christopher Titus
#16. The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... "
Christopher Titus
#17. My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus
#18. We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Christopher Titus
#19. Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again.
Christopher Titus
#20. I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus
#21. In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.
Christopher Titus
#22. It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Christopher Titus
#23. And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Christopher Titus
#25. No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
#26. And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Christopher Titus
#27. My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus
#28. My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
#29. Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Christopher Titus
#30. And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Christopher Titus
#31. We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
Christopher Titus
#32. How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
Christopher Titus
#33. We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus
#35. The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
#36. You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Christopher Titus
#38. All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
#40. Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again ... that's exciting.
Christopher Titus
#42. Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Christopher Titus
#43. Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.
Christopher Titus
#45. Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus
#46. If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
Christopher Titus
#47. I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.
Christopher Titus
#49. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
Christopher Titus
#50. Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and ... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
Christopher Titus
#51. My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?
Christopher Titus
#52. Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer ... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Christopher Titus
#53. Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Christopher Titus
#54. By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
Christopher Titus
#55. I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Christopher Titus
#56. Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
Christopher Titus
#57. Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
Christopher Titus
#58. They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
Christopher Titus
#59. Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Christopher Titus
#60. Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
#61. Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family ...
Christopher Titus
#62. If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
#63. When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
Christopher Titus
#65. I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
Christopher Titus
#66. Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
Christopher Titus
#68. How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Christopher Titus
#69. Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
Christopher Titus
#70. My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
Christopher Titus
#71. Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Christopher Titus
#72. Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
#73. Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus
#74. Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
Christopher Titus
#75. There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or ... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!
Christopher Titus
#76. At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
Christopher Titus
#77. My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
#78. Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
#79. I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
Christopher Titus
#80. I lost 28 pounds in my divorce ... because that's what a soul weighs.
Christopher Titus
#81. My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
Christopher Titus
#82. I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Christopher Titus
#83. Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus
#84. My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
Christopher Titus
#85. My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
#86. A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Christopher Titus
#87. The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
Christopher Titus
#88. Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus
#89. Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
Christopher Titus
#90. We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
Christopher Titus
#91. Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Christopher Titus
#92. Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
Christopher Titus
#94. You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
Christopher Titus
#95. My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
#96. If you're a racist, right now, in 2011 ... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
#97. My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
Christopher Titus
#98. Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her!
Christopher Titus
#99. Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
#100. I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
Christopher Titus
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