Greg Proops Quotes

#1. We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

Greg Proops

#2. I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

Greg Proops

#3. Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

Greg Proops

#4. I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Greg Proops

#5. You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

Greg Proops

#6. It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Greg Proops

#7. Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

Greg Proops

#8. Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

Greg Proops

#9. I like the night life, I like to boogy.

Greg Proops

#10. I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.

Greg Proops

#11. And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.

Greg Proops

#12. I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

Greg Proops

#13. Women give birth, men take life. Therefore, men are jealous of this power. War is menstruation envy.

Greg Proops

#14. Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

Greg Proops

#15. I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Greg Proops

#16. I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the ... general area.

Greg Proops

#17. I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Greg Proops

#18. I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

Greg Proops

#19. If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

Greg Proops

#20. I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

Greg Proops

#21. If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

Greg Proops

#22. I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

Greg Proops

#23. You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Greg Proops

#24. Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.

Greg Proops

#25. Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

Greg Proops

#26. White pants should be worn on two occasions:
One, never.
And two, if you're selling ice cream.

Greg Proops

#27. Wine me, dine me, Deep Space Nine me.

Greg Proops

#28. If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

Greg Proops

#29. Tequila is like acid in a glass.

Greg Proops

#30. Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

Greg Proops

#31. Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

Greg Proops

#32. How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

Greg Proops

#33. I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Greg Proops

#34. I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

Greg Proops

#35. Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

Greg Proops

#36. Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Greg Proops

#37. I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one ... And I am proud.

Greg Proops

#38. I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

Greg Proops

#39. You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

Greg Proops

#40. My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Greg Proops

#41. I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

Greg Proops

#42. Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'.

Greg Proops

#43. If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

Greg Proops

#44. Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

Greg Proops

#45. No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

Greg Proops

#46. President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

Greg Proops

#47. Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

Greg Proops

#48. I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

Greg Proops

#49. Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

Greg Proops

#50. Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

Greg Proops

#51. How would you like to make money in real estate?

Greg Proops

#52. In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

Greg Proops

#53. I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Greg Proops

#54. Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.

Greg Proops

#55. Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.

Greg Proops