Top 100 Funny Welcome Home Sayings
#1. I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
Rodney Dangerfield
#2. I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours.
Chris Eigeman
#3. This Jacoby character, regardless of how dreamy he may appear, is aiding and abetting my captivity. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to bring home to meet mom.
Erica Cope
#4. What do you mean, "Not to worry, she's home safe with Skiboy"?
What the hell is a "Skiboy"?
Meg Cabot
#5. Nothing has ever touched on what fun childhood was. Summer holidays were bliss. We made home movies, with real stories in them. My father had such charm and charisma, and made everything so funny.
Jane Birkin
#6. I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.
Carrot Top
#7. You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
Craig Ferguson
#8. It's funny: All my friends back home are always wondering why every television show I'm on is a drama, but all the comedy pilots I did died a slow and painful death.
Eric Ladin
#9. I am a pretty good actor. Most of my friendships are based on the fact that I pretend to be outgoing and funny in social situations, but when I get home, I tend to isolate myself because I am actually somewhat bipolar and introverted.
Reese Roper
#10. I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"
Mitch Hedberg
#11. I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block ... pretty funny.
P. J. O'Rourke
#12. Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
Jerry Coleman
#13. What is it with folks always talking about where they're from? You could grow up in a muddy ditch, but if it's your muddy ditch, then it's gotta be the swellest muddy ditch ever.
Jennifer L. Holm
#14. Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.
John Green
#15. [...]he's a man you'd be proud to bring home to mom.
Gay or straight.
Unfortunately, if your mother is anything like mine, you'd probably never get him back out of her house.
Adrienne Wilder
#16. It's a funny business. I kind of compare it to baseball. I'm always looking for a home run.
Billy Mays
#17. What is this Sweet Home Alabama? You have a baby. In a bar.
Kristen Proby
#18. What's that? You've never heard of the freshman thirty-five? That's funny, because neither had my parents, who welcomed me home on spring vacation with mild horror. I was a vaguely familiar food monster who had eaten their daughter.
Mindy Kaling
#19. I attacked him, he healed me, then he took me hunting, I threatened him, and he took me home. Wow. That was like a date.
Juliann Whicker
#20. That's where depression hits you most - your home life. It doesn't affect your work. I can't do this zany, wacky, funny thing any more. I haven't been like that for a long time.
Lenny Henry
#21. War's a funny thing. Some men go off and come home again just fine. But there's some that come home and never do come back.
Victoria Wilcox
#22. It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed, is you.
Eric Roth
#23. The funny thing is, people only know me for having straight hair for work, but I live in Atlanta where it's hot and humid in the summertime. So when I'm home, I wear my hair natural. My hair is naturally curly; I don't have a relaxer.
Keshia Knight Pulliam
#24. Relaxing at home in his 55th-floor condominium before a game, Sammy Sosa is the same as at the ball park: focused but funny, exuberant but reserved. He is in a strange country, conversing in two languages, but his every movement displays a combination of confidence and humility.
Bill Dedman
#25. Hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says.
Suzanne Collins
#26. Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
Jim Gaffigan
#27. That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.
Kasey Collin P. Dumdum
#28. Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn't it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.
Sol Luckman
#29. If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"
Chris Rock
#30. Is it necessary, do you think,' he began, leaning in so close behind me that I could smell his breath, 'for the purpose of visiting your grandmother's childhood home, to dress like a kindergarten whore?
Danielle Wood
#31. I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.
Bob Lemon
#33. Swing low, sweet chariot, comin'for t'carry me home ... ' was the tune I hummed as I made the beds, and waited for the news to come that our grandfather was on his way to heaven if his gold counted, and to hell if the Devil couldn't be bribed.
V.C. Andrews
#35. I love to stalk. I love to stalk you real, real good. I took your name home after our date and we had the best Google session of my life.
Anyta Sunday
#36. Gundhrold's head lowered until his massive beak was only inches away from Amos's nose. "I am a son of the desert. This was once my home - the home of all my kind. I know every crag, every slope, every crick and hollow-"
Amos rolled his eyes. "Every blatherin' speck o' sand?
Gillian Bronte Adams
#37. You are overstepping your bounds, Chitah. This is my home," Justus warned.
"Ghuardian, you make the rules in the house, but I make the rules in my bedroom," I said, hoping to avoid a fight. "I'll keep the door open, and if he so much as looks at me funny, I'll nuke him.
Dannika Dark
#38. Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"
Jerry Seinfeld
#39. Something funny always happens in every show in the UK and I genuinely love touring the UK because it's where I'm from. I just get a warm feeling when I'm home.
Ellie Goulding
#40. Cat Stevens is also the only other member of the family who enjoys eating the meats that Dad brings home from the Strip, although sometimes he expresses his enjoyment by barfing.
Jesse Andrews
#41. Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
Chelsea Handler
#42. The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.
Dick Armey
#43. Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.
Shannon Hale
#44. The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaner's. They're funny like that.
Jim Butcher
#45. Good dog! Nice fetch!"
"He wasn't fetching."
"Bring her here, boy. Good job!"
The dog looked from Zack to me.
"I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.
Elizabeth Chandler
#46. I like cartoons. I like 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.' It's funny! It has things that kids wouldn't get. It's like, if you're mature, you get it. I like that and 'The Fairly OddParents.'
David Archuleta
#47. I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me.
Daniel Dae Kim
#48. You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.
David R. Ellis
#49. One of the fundamental rights of mankind should be that of wearing as many or as few clothes as one likes inside one's own home.
Sachin Kundalkar
#50. I myself grew up when radio was very important. I'd come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.
Kurt Vonnegut
#51. It's funny, because I was trained as a dramatic actor at New York's Colonnades Theater Lab in the '70s, along with Jeff Goldblum, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman. People I worked with there saw a comedian in me. I'm still most at home in comedy.
Peter Scolari
#52. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
#53. Sure. I'd like to live regular. Go home to a good looking wife, a hot dinner, and a husky kid. But I guess I got film in my blood. I love this racket. It's exciting. It's dangerous. It's funny. It's tough. It's heartbreaking.
Weegee
#54. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#55. I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
Rodney Dangerfield
#56. Our foyer has a funny smell that doesn't smell like anyplace else. I don't know what the hell it is. It isn't cauliflower and it isn't perfume - I don't know what the hell it is - but you always know you're home.
J.D. Salinger
#57. Tuck's home, so I suggest we use our indoor voices.
Elle Kennedy
#58. It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Lewis Black
#59. I always feel in a funny place when I'm really asked to inform people, so I just try to take the more absurdist route - like, "this is how you could do it, but it's actually turning into a cat now. This might happen at home I guess, but it probably won't."
Thu Tran
#60. I never see any home cooking - all I get is fancy stuff.
Prince Philip
#61. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
#62. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
#63. People would ask me, 'Is he as funny at home as he is in the movies?' ... I would have to answer, 'Well, he can be funny. But he is also very serious. He has insomnia and if we him up early, he would bawl the hell out of me'.
Arthur Marx
#64. The funny thing about Thanksgiving ,or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook,chop,braise and blanch. Then it's gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sortof in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up.
Ted Allen
#65. It was funny how you could go somewhere and your whole life could stretch out and then you could come home and have it all shrink back to the way it was before. It was funny that it didn't stay stretched.
Jodi Lynn Anderson
#66. I'm not a very serious person. You know how they say that clowns are very funny in public and are really sad at home? I'm really kind of stupid at home and more serious in public.
Roland Joffe
#67. When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ...
Tim Vine
#68. Count the steps
and keep the number.
Pick the white pebbles
and the funny strange leaves.
Mark the curves
and cliffs around
for you may need
to come home again.
Tenzin Tsundue
#69. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
#70. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
Caroline Rhea
#71. She'd done things to him he thought only happened to characters in country-western songs, laying waste to his car, his dogs, driving him from his home, and making an outlaw of him. It was almost funny.
Joe Hill
#72. I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.
Andrea Portes
#73. I froze all night. My back's killing me. I want home, and I'm scared to death. But I guess the view makes it all worth it."
"You're funny," Angel said
Jayde Scott
#74. Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.
Yvonne Prinz
#76. I love the studio audience. That's where I feel the most at home. You know right away if you're being funny or not.
Kaley Cuoco
#78. My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
Dara O Briain
#79. You know, if you play on home soil sometimes funny things can happen and you have that push of the crowd.
Ruud Gullit
#80. 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Tommy Cooper
#81. South Central Los Angeles [is the] home of the drive-thru and the drive-by. Funny thing is, the drive-thrus are killing more people than the drive-bys.
Ron Finley
#82. I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg
#83. That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
Gabriel Iglesias
#84. Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.
Dave Barry
#85. Every set has their own personalities and their own quirks. It's funny comparing starring in a show to going in and doing recurring work - there's already a rhythm that's been established, and people know each other so well. It's like being a guest in someone else's home.
Sara Rue
#86. You know, it's funny what you'll miss when you're away from home. Now me, I miss the smell of coffee ... and bacon frying in the morning.
Fannie Flagg
#87. I wil not calm down. My baby girl is moving halfway across the country."
"She's been moved away before," Dad pointed out.
"Yeah, but that was with Billy. We all knew he wouldn't work out. We're talking about Hank here. Look at him," she pointed to Hank.
"She's never coming home. Never.
Kristen Ashley
#88. They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?
Casey Stengel
#89. I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.
Sophia Bush
#90. It's funny in the U.K., where I'm not really known because I never did a soap. My English cousins in the Lake District think I'm not a real actor because they've never seen me in 'Home and Away' or 'Neighbours.'
Jacki Weaver
#91. It's not funny. I'm going to be miserable without you."
"Then come home with me so you don't have to be.
Georgia Cates
#92. I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
Bruce Baum
#93. The small things of life were often so much bigger than the great things ... the trivial pleasure like cooking, one's home, little poems especially sad ones, solitary walks, funny things seen and overheard.
Barbara Pym
#94. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven Wright
#95. Right now my favorite TV show - because it's too close to home - is 'My Name Is Earl.' That show kills me. There's some funny stuff in there.
Rodney Atkins
#96. Furthermore
though it was quite irrelevant now
he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago
and then tossed his violin into the trash.
Koushun Takami
#97. I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
#98. It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
Jimmy Carr
#99. Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.
Jay Leno
#100. Is this your boyfriend?" the first nun asked.
Clair Olivia looked me up and down. "No. This is my gay friend who decided he was straight and single-handedly wrecked havoc at an all-boys school in Massachusetts this fall. He's gay again and home for Christmas, so yay!
Bill Konigsberg
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