Top 100 Funny God Quotes
#1. Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.
Penny Reid
#2. I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it's gotten big on me. I don't know what it is. I'm so damned unhappy, I'm so mad, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm putting on weight. I feel fat. I feel like I'm saving a lot of things, and I don't know what. I might even start reading books.
Ray Bradbury
#3. Jennifer Fulwiler's story of finding God when you aren't looking for Him is a universal tale which will touch many hearts. With warmth and unflinching candor she leads us through a personal journey of faith and maturity that is as funny as it is affecting.
Raymond Arroyo
#4. What really irks me is the snide victimizing suggestion from some that I have tried to be lighthearted and funny ... Oh my God - this is so offensive.
Michael Leunig
#5. There was an audible gasp, like everyone had been sucker-punched, and the sound reverberated through the hall like he'd just announced that not only was god dead, but he'd also been a hermaphroditic drag queen called Miss Demeanor.
Andrea Speed
#6. She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing ...
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.
Ilona Andrews
#7. Who the hell do you think you are?" your darkest interior voices will demand. "It's funny you should ask," you can reply. "I'll tell you who I am: I am a child of God, just like anyone else. I am a constituent of this universe. I have invisible spirit benefactors who believe in me, and who labor
Elizabeth Gilbert
#8. The three theater peeps I would love to dine with are Mel Brooks, because he is so funny; Stephen Sondheim, because he is a god-like genius; and Ethel Merman, to compare notes on fabulous belting.
Nancy Allen
#9. God, I needed you," he murmured. "I can't even tell you how many times I thought about this. The funny thing is, I don't need you any less now. I think I need you more."
~Shane~
Rachel Caine
#11. Walt's face lit up. "Sadie, Ptah was more than the craftsman god, right? Didn't they call him the God of Opening?"
"Um ... Possibly."
"I thought you taught us that. Or maybe it was Carter."
"Boring bit of information? Probably Carter.
Rick Riordan
#12. God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side.
Diana Rowland
#13. We must be able to deal with ridicule and scorn, which it always seems that Buddhists receive. But we feel that it doesn't matter. God's laughing at us; God's laughing at God. We can take a joke too. We're pretty funny.
Frederick Lenz
#14. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Mitch Hedberg
#16. It's because you aren't thinking very clearly tonight."
"I know. Being Drunk is weird."
"Oh my god. I love you so much. Especially when you say stuff like that."
"Like what?"
"Nothing. Never mind. Although I'm dying to know why your shoe is green.
Jessica Sorensen
#17. I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.
Javier Bardem
#18. Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#20. She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft.
"My lord?" she ventured, only half serious.
"Good, God, no."
She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine.
He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers?
Kristen Callihan
#21. At the time, my 6-year-old kept thinking my character's name was "Sam Alone," which is kind of brilliant. The funny came out of Sam's sad core: the alcoholic, the sex addict, the person who thinks he's God's gift.
Ted Danson
#22. I can't pass a puppy, a kid or a baby without stopping. It's really annoying to every boyfriend I've ever head. My mother will roll her eyes and go, "God, really?!" But, I find children funny and great, and I love them.
Minnie Driver
#23. Taking in their expressions, I just knew it.
Logan had enlisted them.
The bugger.
"Oh dear God." I let my head fall back as if in supplication to an unmerciful deity. "Why me?"
Joss snorted. "Yeah, doesn't it suck when gorgeous, funny, loyal Scotsmen fall in love with us?
Samantha Young
#24. Soon-Bok Kim closed her eyes, said rapid prayers in castellano, beat the steering wheel, begged God to save her and her stupid husband, said they would become better Christians.
Eric Jerome Dickey
#25. Oh, my God," I whispered. "But how did they get my photo?
Alex tapped his mouth with his thumb. "That ... book with everyone's picture in it, that you have in high school."
"Yearbook," I said. Was he trying to be funny? But of course he was right; that's exactly where it was from.
L.A. Weatherly
#26. I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He's funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one who I have discovered can sing. I should try and make an album with him ... it's Barack Obama!
Lulu
#27. Friends are what God gives you to make up for your family.
Bruce White
#28. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Bill Cosby
#29. Moms are so hard to understand! They'll never allow us to go on diet for fitness but forcefully make us fast in the name of God!
~Swapna Rajput~
Swapna Rajput
#30. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.
Russell M. Nelson
#31. Why were things funny? Was God laughing at us? Or was laughter the dispensation of God? Maybe laughter itself was Godlike. When we laugh, we rise above pain. We rise above indignity. We even rise above incredulity. We "get it." Maybe in the way God "gets it.
Richard Tillotson
#32. It's funny how, in this journey of life, even though we may begin at different times and places, our paths cross with others so that we may share our love, compassion, observations, and hope. This is a design of God that I appreciate and cherish.
Steve Maraboli
#33. Jace: Herondale, on the other hand, is melodic. Dulcet, one might say. Think of the sound of 'Clary Herondale.'
Clary: Oh, my god, that sounds horrible.
Jace: We all must sacrifice for love.
Cassandra Clare
#34. I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.
Bill Bailey
#35. I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
George Burns
#36. Oh my God, Green," I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. "Just take the damn socks
and put the kid out of his misery.
Alexandra Bracken
#37. I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know.
Sandra Chami Kassis
#38. I consider myself very lucky. God has a funny way of bringing some things around and knocking you in the head with the ultimate destination. Something I should have achieved quite easily took me a long time to get around to. It came in His time, not mine.
Jim Morris
#39. I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
Zach Galifianakis
#40. The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.
M.J. McGuire
#41. The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.
M.F. Moonzajer
#42. Relaxation and Recreation The most relaxing recreating forces are a healthy religion, sleep, music, and laughter. Have faith in God - learn to sleep well - Love good music - see the funny side of life - And health and happiness will be yours.
Dale Carnegie
#43. Mr. Monogamy doesn't find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I'd have to chuck it all and join a monastery.
Kim Cormack
#44. Isn't it funny that if God were to reveal and explain Himself, the majority of the world would necessarily be disappointed?
Jonathan Safran Foer
#45. Easy
to be delighted
or dismayed by POPULAR CULTURE
but then one has no other option and even
'God, it's so dreadful we watch it because it can't help
being funny' is
to be delighted.
Jennifer Clarvoe
#46. Is it sad that my first thought happened to be: Thank God I'm off the treadmill.
Gena Showalter
#47. I can embarrass myself very easily on guitar. It's funny because people say to me I can play anything; I'm God on the guitar. But I could make a big list of everything I can't play ... I'm grateful that people don't notice that.
Joe Satriani
#48. When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said, "Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder," and her five year old wandered into the kitchen and said, "Sixty hamburgers?
Sara Sheridan
#49. I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Daniel Tosh
#50. The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp nose of a dog were in my opinion all God-given for one purpose only-to make complete fools of us human beings.
Barbara Woodhouse
#51. Fruit ... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
Dylan Moran
#52. It's funny how aimless a person can feel at times, even when they know God is in control.
Chris Fabry
#53. Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.
Jill Shalvis
#54. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#56. Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!
John Green
#57. Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane.
Stephen Craig
#58. If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence
and punishes those who do.
Peter Boghossian
#59. God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."
Bill Maher
#60. At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?"
"No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!
Ilona Andrews
#61. Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.
Eleanor Hallowell Abbott
#62. God, Packard! Do you know how hard I worked at
it?" I twist up the napkin and whip it at him.
He deflects it. "There we go; I knew you could do it."
My mouth falls open. "Very funny."
He just laughs.
"I can't believe you!
Carolyn Crane
#63. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
#64. Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day!
LeeAnn Whitaker
#66. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..
Bill Engvall
#67. Finn is God: So much for Earth Day. I totally screwed things up and started celebrating the wrong planet. Now I have to collect all these stupid trademarked dog figurines that I distributed all of the yard. At least it's better than last year's mistake when I had butt statues everywhere.
Jessica Park
#68. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.
Judy Blume
#69. I nod like a trained puppy, hoping to god I'm not drooling. How am I supposed to go on stage when I can't take my eyes off her?
I think he's comatose.
Cassie Mae
#70. I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.
Brittany Snow
#71. Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.
Solange Nicole
#73. What is the word for this kind of underwear? Boxings? Something like that? I cannot think of it."
"Boxings? Oh, god, Rania. That's funny. Boxers. They're called boxers, sweetheart.
Jasinda Wilder
#74. God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval
#75. Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?"
"Thank you, God," Petra said.
Libba Bray
#76. It's funny how God will just keep using you, and our motto around our family forever has been, 'Just let Him use you.'
Kim Fields
#78. I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
Demetri Martin
#80. Indeed. Oh, and Fal?"
"Yeah?"
"Get laid, while you're up there, won't you?"
"Oh, God."
"Seriously. Your hymen's going to grow back, it's been so long. Have a fling. It might lighten you up."
"Goodbye, Rache."
Meg Maguire, The Reluctant Nude
Meg Maguire
#81. I do not miss ITV, God no! Have you seen ITV lately?
Cilla Black
#82. God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison Keillor
#83. There's people out there that are like, 'Oh my God, I want to have your kid. I want to marry you.' People that I've never even met. That's sweet. It's funny.
Ryan Lochte
#84. If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage.
Carl Hiaasen
#87. You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.
Lois Greiman
#88. I am not a trained writer and I don't think anyone would accuse me of being a funny person. But I feel God has truly blessed me.
Vantile Whitfield
#89. I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Bill Bailey
#90. You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch
Carrie Vaughn
#91. Let's focus on the funny ... That's what I'm focused on ... This is the gift God gave me. That's what I want to touch in people.
Tracy Morgan
#92. And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
Robin Williams
#93. It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.
Cora Carmack
#94. It's funny how the closer you get to God, the more you realize how far you are from Him.
Mark Hart
#95. Eight people show up. The emcee is warm, friendly, and about as funny as Shoah. I take the stage to the sound of, my hand to God, one person clapping once and only once, and then I start into my act.
Patton Oswalt
#96. Funny how often the Will of God puts a dollar in a pocket, said Dr. Ames.
Louise Erdrich
#97. Happiness held is the beginning; happiness shared is the blossom
Abhysheq Shukla
#98. God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.
Jon Acuff
#99. I find that when people haven't found God and do not know the new birth and the Spirit is not on them, yet they have the ancient impulse to worship something. If they're not educated they kill a chicken and put a funny thing on their head and dance around. If they are educated they write poetry.
A.W. Tozer
#100. I think God has a sense of humor, and the way my lessons come from God is very funny. I have to laugh at myself even if it's a tough lesson.
Yvette Nicole Brown
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