Top 100 Ellen DeGeneres Quotes
#1. I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.
Ellen DeGeneres
#2. I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
Ellen DeGeneres
#3. So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers ... I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here.' Is that sarcasm?
Ellen DeGeneres
#4. We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
Ellen DeGeneres
#5. Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres
#6. ...there are a lot of self-righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them...you're just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self-righteous kooks are.
Ellen DeGeneres
#7. I think people need to laugh everyday. Whether the economy is good or bad, I think the most important thing is to laugh and to feel positive, if you are laughing at something positive. But if you are laughing at mean jokes then it's a wash.
Ellen DeGeneres
#8. What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.
Ellen DeGeneres
#9. Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you
Ellen DeGeneres
#11. I do it because I love animals and I saw the reality. And I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I'm healthier for it, I'm happier for it. I can't imagine that if you're putting something in your body that is filled with fear or anxiety or pain, that that isn't somehow going to be inside of you.
Ellen DeGeneres
#12. My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not
Ellen DeGeneres
#13. The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.
Ellen DeGeneres
#14. When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it's hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn't feel like me.
Ellen DeGeneres
#15. Most people don't get to laugh, be free, dance, be surrounded by this energy. It's important to remind people to take that home. I want the world to start shifting [to] a more positive energy.
Ellen DeGeneres
#16. I'm sure there's somebody out there who doesn't like Betty White because she's short and has white hair.
Ellen DeGeneres
#17. We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really? ... Get my sandwich.'
Ellen DeGeneres
#18. I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.
Ellen DeGeneres
#19. It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure ... I think.
Ellen DeGeneres
#20. I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That's real beauty to me.
Ellen DeGeneres
#21. We should be grateful for them because without our family - the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day - life is pretty boring.
Ellen DeGeneres
#22. I get my dance moves from just moving around and listening to music and not really worrying about if it's perfect or not.
Ellen DeGeneres
#23. I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.
Ellen DeGeneres
#24. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
#25. Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.
Ellen DeGeneres
#26. We focus so much on our differences, and that is creating, I think, a lot of chaos and negativity and bullying in the world. And I think if everybody focused on what we all have in common - which is - we all want to be happy.
Ellen DeGeneres
#28. I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes.
Ellen DeGeneres
#29. [Airline food] is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything - has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.
Ellen DeGeneres
#30. There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans
Ellen DeGeneres
#31. People have become so accustomed to texting that they're actually startled when the phone rings. It's like we suddenly all have Bat-phones. If it rings, there must be danger.
Ellen DeGeneres
#32. I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.
Ellen DeGeneres
#33. Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of life, even if it means hurting your eyes.
Ellen DeGeneres
#34. I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on.
Ellen DeGeneres
#35. I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
#37. I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, Put that thing there so I can crush it.
Ellen DeGeneres
#39. It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned.
Ellen DeGeneres
#40. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter.
Ellen DeGeneres
#41. I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
Ellen DeGeneres
#42. Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I'm openly gay.
Ellen DeGeneres
#43. I get home at the end of the day and I don't want to talk. All I want to do is lay on the floor and pet my dogs and my cats.
Ellen DeGeneres
#45. I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from ... you heterosexuals.
Ellen DeGeneres
#47. At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way
Ellen DeGeneres
#48. I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
Ellen DeGeneres
#49. Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.
Ellen DeGeneres
#50. I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men ... I don't drink coffee.
Ellen DeGeneres
#51. I would rather be the good aunt who never says anything bad and lets the parents discipline the child.
Ellen DeGeneres
#52. If success is really dependent on someone liking you or not liking you, and you have to teeter on that kind of tightrope of how you're supposed to act and how you're supposed to look and who you are, it's just not a healthy way to live.
Ellen DeGeneres
#53. I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
Ellen DeGeneres
#54. We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
Ellen DeGeneres
#55. Did you ever feel like the whole world was going to a party and your invitation got lost in the mail?
Ellen DeGeneres
#56. I like to stretch my mind by reading and writing and watching educational TV shows like The Bachelor to learn the complex mating rituals of heterosexuals.
Ellen DeGeneres
#57. Beauty is not between a size 0 and a size 8. It's not a number at all.
Ellen DeGeneres
#59. Let's all challenge ourselves today to get up and move a little more.
Ellen DeGeneres
#60. Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
Ellen DeGeneres
#61. When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.
Ellen DeGeneres
#62. There are people out there hiding all kinds of things. People who have all this success and all this fame and all this money, and yet there are secrets that they think if we found out about, it would be over for them. And it's a horrible way to live whether you're famous or not.
Ellen DeGeneres
#63. Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
Ellen DeGeneres
#64. The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
Ellen DeGeneres
#65. I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going ...
Ellen DeGeneres
#67. Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.
Ellen DeGeneres
#68. I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being ... me.
Ellen DeGeneres
#69. There are "well-known secrets" out there and there are people who are "so happy they could die." Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they're right. Basically what I'm saying is, I usually don't know what people are talking about.
Ellen DeGeneres
#70. Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
Ellen DeGeneres
#71. Despite all the labels, in most ways I'm really not different from anyone else. I guess if you had to label me, you could say I'm like the girl next door. I'm like the girl a few doors down.
Ellen DeGeneres
#72. I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
Ellen DeGeneres
#73. Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
Ellen DeGeneres
#75. Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Ellen DeGeneres
#76. One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Ellen DeGeneres
#77. I know that experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.
Ellen DeGeneres
#78. When life gives you lemons ... they could really be oranges.
Ellen DeGeneres
#79. I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.
Ellen DeGeneres
#80. I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world.
Ellen DeGeneres
#81. If we lived each day as our last, I bet we'd all be a lot more honest with people, because we wouldn't have to care what people think anymore.
Ellen DeGeneres
#82. I think there's a whole bunch of things that go along with being a girl. You're not supposed to have opinions or be tough or strong. You're supposed to be soft and vulnerable, and I find those qualities important in both men and women.
Ellen DeGeneres
#83. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Ellen DeGeneres
#84. We put the wrong emphasis on what beauty is and what health is. Health is being vibrant and having energy and being happy.
Ellen DeGeneres
#85. Here's a professional tip: If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.
Ellen DeGeneres
#86. We're just trying to find happiness in the bodies and minds we were given, like everyone else.
Ellen DeGeneres
#87. Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
Ellen DeGeneres
#88. I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
Ellen DeGeneres
#89. Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres
#90. I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.
Ellen DeGeneres
#91. Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.'
Ellen: 'No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman.
Ellen DeGeneres
#92. Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.
Ellen DeGeneres
#93. All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour.
Ellen DeGeneres
#94. All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
Ellen DeGeneres
#95. Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
Ellen DeGeneres
#96. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
#97. Reading Ellen's hilarious new book. Thirsty for tequila.
Ellen DeGeneres
#98. I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.
Ellen DeGeneres
#99. I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But ... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
Ellen DeGeneres
#100. This is my real secret to being a joyful person: I make my life easy. I spend more time being grateful for what I have instead of focusing on what isn't working. I no longer believe that people have to do things my way and that I have to be perfect.
Ellen DeGeneres
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