Top 69 Bill Bailey Quotes
#1. I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Bill Bailey
#2. My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
Bill Bailey
#3. I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars ... I'm not bitter at all ...
Bill Bailey
#4. It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Bill Bailey
#5. At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.
Bill Bailey
#6. The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Bill Bailey
#7. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Bill Bailey
#8. Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
Bill Bailey
#9. This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present ... Please leave your message after the tone."
Bill Bailey
#10. The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Bill Bailey
#11. Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
Bill Bailey
#12. I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
Bill Bailey
#13. I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
Bill Bailey
#14. But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
Bill Bailey
#15. I try to appreciate the simple things. I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
Bill Bailey
#16. Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
Bill Bailey
#17. Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
Bill Bailey
#18. Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
Bill Bailey
#19. Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
Bill Bailey
#20. On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.
Bill Bailey
#21. How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ... no eight!
Bill Bailey
#22. There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
Bill Bailey
#23. I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Bill Bailey
#24. So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
Bill Bailey
#25. Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
Bill Bailey
#26. Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
Bill Bailey
#27. American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
Bill Bailey
#28. I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
Bill Bailey
#29. I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
Bill Bailey
#30. Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Bill Bailey
#31. Nostalgia: How long's that been around?
Bill Bailey
#32. I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.
Bill Bailey
#33. People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
Bill Bailey
#34. In Unity there is strength;
We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life -
Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
Bill Bailey
#35. Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently ...
Bill Bailey
#36. I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
Bill Bailey
#37. Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
Bill Bailey
#38. Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.
Bill Bailey
#39. I'm a sort of like post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat ... Ironically.
Bill Bailey
#40. A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
Bill Bailey
#41. Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
Bill Bailey
#42. What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
Bill Bailey
#43. Work hard, save and live within your means.
Bill Bailey
#44. The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.
Bill Bailey
#45. Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
Bill Bailey
#46. I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
Bill Bailey
#47. There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
Bill Bailey
#48. Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard
Bill Bailey
#49. I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
Bill Bailey
#51. The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
Bill Bailey
#52. I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
Bill Bailey
#53. I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
Bill Bailey
#54. A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.
Bill Bailey
#55. It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life ...
Bill Bailey
#56. Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Bill Bailey
#57. It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Bill Bailey
#58. "God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
Bill Bailey
#59. Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
Bill Bailey
#60. Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
Bill Bailey
#61. I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.
Bill Bailey
#62. If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
Bill Bailey
#63. Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
Bill Bailey
#65. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
Bill Bailey
#66. Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
Bill Bailey
#67. Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
Bill Bailey
#69. (Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
Bill Bailey
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