Top 100 Funny Car Quotes
#1. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Henny Youngman
#2. Look here, cousin," Big Country's drawled in the background. "This here's a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain't gon' fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today.
Shay Rucker
#3. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
#4. I'm proud of 'The Hidden.' I feel like we took a B-movie and kind of turned it into an A-minus action movie. We kind of elevated the material a little bit. It's got a great car-chase scene at the very beginning. It has some terrific moments in it, some funny stuff. It's a great rental.
Kyle MacLachlan
#5. If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.
Edward Harris
#6. Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding.
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas
#7. I mean if you look at the Charger and you compare it to other cars, the way the lines work, the tires, in 3-D it's gorgeous. One thing that we found was that the reflective surface was weird. It does funny things in 3-D. So you have to deal with that.
Todd Farmer
#8. It's funny; I'm in some ways hopelessly masculine, but I don't fish, I don't hunt, I'm not that into sports. I can't fix a car. I think it's my point of view and the way I see the world.
Corey Stoll
#9. Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#10. Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
Erma Bombeck
#11. Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built.
Henry Ford
#12. It's funny how, even long after you've accepted the grief of losing someone you love and truly have gotten on with your life, every once in a while something comes up that plays "gotcha," and for a moment or tow the car tissue seperates and the wound is raw again.
Mary Higgins Clark
#13. I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
Richard Pryor
#14. You must be a blast on long car rides."
"Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.
Nenia Campbell
#15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
#16. [the car] backfired a lot. Loud enough that when I drove in the wrong part of town and it let loose with a gas fart, people actually ducked for cover.
Adrienne Wilder
#17. Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
Carlos Mencia
#18. If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.
Katt Williams
#19. You try almost dying, being chased, then
hopping in a car with a complete (horny)
stranger.
Gena Showalter
#20. There is no path I follow. I feel as if I'm just drifting along, because although I can progress physically, through my training, mentally and spiritually I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's like that car sticker: 'Don't follow me, I'm lost'.
Steve Ovett
#21. I have a free couple of hours," I told him, walking toward my car, which was parked on the next block. "There's a very private, very secluded barn in Lookout Hill Park behind the carousel. I could be there in fifteen minutes."
I heard the smile in his voice. "You want me bad.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#22. Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?
Richelle Mead
#23. You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
Marc Maron
#24. We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn.
"Arthur," I say.
The car doesn't yield.
"Arthur," I say.
He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper.
"Arthur, our turn was back there.
Peter Canning
#25. You really have got lots of issues! Yeah, of 'What Car Magazine'!
Steve Coogan
#26. My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
#27. A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
#28. Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.
Ian Frazier
#29. To a dog, motoring isn't just a way of getting from here to there, it's also a thrill and an adventure. The mere jingle of car keys is enough to send most any dog into a whimpering, tail-wagging frenzy.
Jon Winokur
#30. What the fuck is going on Lor? What the hell did you do last night? What did you say to Kacey? Who the hell is Blue Eyes and why is my car spray-painted with the word 'asshole'?"
Spray-paint? Oh dear God, what have I done?
Joanne McClean
#31. You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.
Harvey Diamond
#32. If you think it's funny to make fun of the "used car salesman," you better only buy new and never sell your car. Just sayin.
Richie Norton
#33. Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
Kristen Schaal
#34. Porsche is a driver's car - a performance car. That was funny - here's this awesome car, but it's got no cup holders.
Jason McCoy
#35. And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.
Murray Walker
#36. Trust me, my parents have about as much impulse control as I do. If they didn't like you, you'd know. Hell, you'd have been sitting in the car until I finished eating.
Billy London
#37. It needs to said that Gerard Brennan's The Point is terrific. Scorchingly funny, black humour at its finest and the most inventive car theft ever!
Arlene Hunt
#38. For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."
Louis C.K.
#39. I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block ... pretty funny.
P. J. O'Rourke
#40. And this is the third place car about to lap the second place car.
Murray Walker
#41. I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
Mitch Hedberg
#42. June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.
Rick Riordan
#43. I don't have a car."
His eyes sliced into mine.
"I walked here," I explained. "I'm on foot."
"Angel," he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#44. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Rita Rudner
#45. You've forgotten your little car,' she called, as I swept through the door that Nathan held open for me.
'Why, does that need a bloody badge too?' I said, and followed them into the lift.
Jojo Moyes
#46. I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#47. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Henny Youngman
#48. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..
Mitch Hedberg
#49. Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God?
Dalia Sofer
#50. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Henny Youngman
#51. And the first five places are filled by five different cars.
Murray Walker
#52. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Chic Murray
#53. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven Wright
#54. When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
#55. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Steven Wright
#56. Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check ... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
Chris Rock
#57. We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#58. I cranked the volume on the stereo and sang at the top of my lungs to an old Britney Spears song, my possession and enjoyment of which, I hoped, would remain a secret between me and my car.
Heather Hildenbrand
#59. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
Mitch Hedberg
#60. It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.
Kylie Scott
#61. Just leave me alone, I want to be alone, she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.
Sarah Mayberry
#62. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
#63. I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.
Roseanne Barr
#64. And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else
Richelle Mead
#65. If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
Jim Steinman
#66. I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product and I'm the spokesperson, and I'm going to deliver.
Bill Cosby
#67. Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!
John Green
#69. His phone rang again, and he turned it on speaker. "Adair residence - "
"Shut up, Cabe." Silas's voice filled the car. "Your Lexus isn't a residence, and I know you're driving, because I'm watching your GPS dot move down the road.
Jane Washington
#70. In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.
Allan Sherman
#71. She'd done things to him he thought only happened to characters in country-western songs, laying waste to his car, his dogs, driving him from his home, and making an outlaw of him. It was almost funny.
Joe Hill
#72. I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
#73. If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
Mitch Hedberg
#74. My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car.
Mazo De La Roche
#75. I guess what I always found funny was the human condition. There is a certain comedy and pathos to trouble and accidents. Like, when a driver has parked his car crookedly and then wonders why he has the bad luck of being hit.
John Prine
#76. Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.
Lish McBride
#77. I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ...
Kristen Schaal
#78. A boy and a girl started dating after he backed his car into hers. They met by accident.
Adam Young
#79. I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Mitch Hedberg
#80. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
#81. Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
#82. Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.
Seinfeld 2000
#83. My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny.
P. J. O'Rourke
#84. I was raised by my grandparents, and they always made sure that I had a pencil and some paper, whether we were in the car or at a restaurant. While they were enjoying a nice meal, I would be sitting there drawing funny pictures of the waitress.
Jarrett J. Krosoczka
#85. You like the girl," Alasdair offered.
Nassar leveled a heavy gaze at him.
"Lillian said you tried to be funny in the car. I told her it couldn't possibly be true. The moment you try to make a joke, the sky shall split and the Four Horsemen will ride out, heralding Apocalypse.
Ilona Andrews
#86. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Rodney Dangerfield
#87. I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
#88. I don't have sex drive ... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.
Louis C.K.
#89. If you're driving your car and someone winds the window down and gives you the finger and calls you an asshole, instead of giving him the finger back and calling him an asshole back, you just pull a funny face, and he doesn't know how to react to that, because you're using different rules.
Steve Coogan
#90. It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
Ben Berger
#91. Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Jerry Seinfeld
#92. You tell your brother he's gonna pay for that car in silver.
Neal Shusterman
#93. It might be funny when you get hit by a car, but not when you get run over by one.
Rob Campbell
#94. The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car.
Derek Landy
#95. Aha! I take my three keys on my ring (car, house, El's) and hold my hand in a fist so that each of the keys is peeking out from between my fingers. I remember seeing this on a self-denfense special of Maury. Television saves lives.
Julie Murphy
#96. My mortgage isn't getting any cheaper and I can't run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don't get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I've never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.
Mark Jackman
#97. Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.
Conan O'Brien
#98. It's so funny looking back, but my so-called overnight success actually took 15 years. I remember when I didn't have any money, and my only car was mom's Hyundai.
Criss Angel
#99. I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.
Georgia Saratsioti
#100. My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Rodney Dangerfield
