Top 100 Food Humor Quotes
#1. He swallowed his food this time and actually spoke instead of humphing,
Elle Klass
#2. Mrs. Chandler shouted after us, And I hope that was all-natural food coloring you put on my dog!
Lisa Lutz
#3. Well if this is really happening, and this psycho really did kidnap us, I want food.
L. Taylor
#8. Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."
Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".
Maggie Stiefvater
#9. One day, and it may be long off, but one day there will be bacon again. It might be mouse bacon, but that will do for me.
Frank Tayell
#10. When you celebrate, there is sure to be cake."
Florence Ditlow, in "The Bakery Girls.
Florence Ditlow
#11. Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did.
Elizabeth Gilbert
#12. Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.
Jim Harrison
#14. Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever.
Beatrice Fairfax
#15. Let's examine what prize that is one more time; no more direct sunlight ever again, no more laughter. You get eternity, but you don't have the sense of humor to enjoy it! Also, vampires don't eat food. You never get to eat chocolate again. Ever. I'd rather die.
Justine Larbalestier
#16. The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.
Barbara Kingsolver
#17. Lollypop
... the passion contained merely kisses
placed upon lips, neck and cheek
these young lovers of the castle
of which our fairytale speaks ...
Muse
#18. I found that all I really wanted was to eat beautiful food and to speak as much beautiful Italian as possible. That was it. So I declared a double major, really-in speaking and in eating (with a concentration on gelato).
Elizabeth Gilbert
#19. Tugs was surprised to find that the cake was actually pretty dry and not as good as the cakes her own mother made. It was a revelation. Tugs had assumed that tastier food came out of fancier houses.
Anne Ylvisaker
#20. Apparently they died from overfeeding. Apparently I overfed them. Apparently fish are terrible glutons with absolutely no self-control who just don't know when they've had enough and will stuff themselves to death with those innocuous little beige flakes imaginatively labeled 'fish food.
Steve Toltz
#21. Why can't the world be simpler, like it is for guinea pigs? They only have a few rules: Crying will get you attention. If it fits in your mouth, it's food. Scream if you don't get your share.
Cynthia Lord
#22. When he heard there was nothing to eat, he sat down and wept ... "Why did I ever wake up!" he cried.
J.R.R. Tolkien
#23. About as much business as a cat owner has selling dog food. Or an Olympic swimmer has advertising for downhill ski equipment. Or a nun writing hard core erotica.
Abso-fucking-none.
Laurel Ulen Curtis
#24. All men are hungry. They always have been. They must eat, and when they deny themselves the pleasures of carrying out that need, they are cutting off part of their possible fullness, their natural realization of life, whether they are poor or rich.
Mary Francis Kennedy Fisher
#25. Bein' rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo' tongue fly outta yo' mouth and smack yo' brains out.
Paula H. Deen
#26. In this modern day and age America's newest slogan is: Mom, apple pie and high-speed Internet. They say you can live two weeks without food, a day or so without water but take someone's smart phone away, and that person won't last five minutes."
- Will Roberts
Will Roberts
#27. You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.
Charles Kuralt
#28. I walked through the house to the back porch and found the screen door covered top to bottom, side to side, with cats meowing for food ... They were so thick on the door I could barely see the light between them.
Earl B. Russell
#29. Give me a small intimate gathering of five people, a dinner party, where one-on-one conversations can be had, where people talk about current events, good books, good food, and weird news. That was my idea of a good time.
Penny Reid
#30. Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
Mark Watson
#34. Rotten people will taste rotten ice cream.
Sarah Chow
#35. Pizza tastes as good as being skinny feels.
Lauren Leto
#36. For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.
Anthony Bourdain
#37. Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
Jen Lancaster
#39. You know," Rolf said, "you read stories when you're little, and you think it would be so amazing to have adventures happen to you. Then you actually go on one, and find out that it's awful. Nothing but bad food, sleeping cold on the hard ground, and treachery.
Jessica Day George
#40. I brought you a snack," Takumi said, dropping an oatmeal cream pie onto my book.
"Very nutritious," I smiled.
"You've got your oats. You've got your meal. You've got your cream. It's a fuckin' food pyramid.
John Green
#41. What's so funny?" Bella mumbled.
"I got food in her hair," I told her, chortling again.
"I'm not going to forget this, dog," Rosalie hissed.
"S'not so hard to erase a blond's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
Get some new jokes, "Rosalie snapped.
Stephenie Meyer
#42. Humor is imperative, more important than food. You have a choice when someone dies. You can lie down or get back into life. Do something for someone else.
Doris Roberts
#44. If everyone followed through on their resolutions, the conseqences for humanity would be dire: The fast food industry would collapse, the gyms would become unbearably crowded, and lifestyle magazines would have nothing left to say.
Amanda Foreman
#45. Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey!
Joe Abercrombie
#46. It won't take but a few hours to ride out that way," Harrison said. "We'll take it easy."
"I'm sorry." Ty looked up from what remained of his food. "Did you say 'ride'?" Harrison nodded.
"On a horse?"
"What other kinds of things do you ride?" Zane asked.
Abigail Roux
#47. Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
Scott Adams
#48. Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie
Janet Evanovich
#49. A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and ... actually, no it's just those two things.
Colleen Houck
#50. But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.
Jeffrey Steingarten
#51. Echo lived her life according to two rules, the first of which was simple: don't get caught.
........ Some rules it would seam were meant to be broken..........
Rule number two, Echo thought snagging a pork bun from a food stall as she sailed past it. If you do get caught, run.
Melissa Grey
#52. The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content.
Alasdair Gray
#53. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#54. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
#55. New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.
Bill Maher
#57. They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.
Lemony Snicket
#58. Don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired.
Andrew Zimmern
#59. Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
Finley Peter Dunne
#60. Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!
Roald Dahl
#63. children spend their time for they think they have more time; adults cry over their time for they see they have less time
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#64. Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.
Michelle Franklin
#65. Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
Julia Child
#66. Living life without humor is like eating food without taste buds.
Jonathan Heatt
#67. The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Bill Bailey
#68. You should have gone yourself, you ask for a Coke and they come back with orange drink. No one understands the martyrdom of the volunteers for the trip to food concession.
Colson Whitehead
#69. I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.
Ron Swanson
#70. Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?
Julie Kagawa
#71. Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.
Neil Gaiman
#72. The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
Scott Adams
#73. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#74. So I didn't have time to craft artful lies and evasions even if I'd wanted to.
Anthony Bourdain
#75. I'm sorry. I can't serve him that item," the waitress said, only somewhat surprising her since she had a pretty good idea why.
"Why not?" she found herself asking anyway out of curiosity to see if she was right.
***
"Because he's a Bradford," the woman explained with a shrug.
R.L. Mathewson
#76. Above the podium stood a decorated board showing the agenda for the day. The first item of business was the world urban crisis, the second - the ecology crisis, the third - the air pollution crisis, the fourth - the energy crisis, the fifth - the food crisis. Then adjournment.
Stanislaw Lem
#77. Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
Marie Lu
#78. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#79. Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.
Celia Rivenbark
#80. Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.
Kerstin Gier
#81. I've never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It's only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the salisburies?
Kelli Jae Baeli
#82. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.
Jim Gaffigan
#83. He cut short my request for something to eat, snapping out, "I don't believe you want to work."
Now this was irrelevant. I hadn't said anything about work. The topic of conversation I had introduced was "food." In fact, I didn't want to work. I wanted to take the westbound overland that night.
Jack London
#84. Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?
Calvin Trillin
#85. Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don't get it: If you're not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.
Frank Bruni
#86. Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
Scott Adams
#87. The potatoes were starch grenades. The canned carrots were revolting because that is their nature.
David Mitchell
#88. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
#89. How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.
Laurie Notaro
#90. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
#91. Plain boiled food, plain boiled thinking. Even his name is plain boiled: John. Maybe because I grew up with black bean sauce and hoisin sauce and garlic sauce, I always feel something is missing when my son-in-law talk.
Gish Jen
#93. Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising.
Meg Cabot
#94. I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.
Barbara "Cutie" Cooper
#95. Prosperity consists of two things: tea after a meal, and a cigarette after tea.
Marjane Satrapi
#96. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
Doug Larson
#97. Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.
Regina Griffin
#98. It took me a while to realize that I was beginning to flirt with her. The food must have been poisoned.
Justin Villanueva
#99. Damn,' someone behind me says. 'I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.
Veronica Roth
#100. Don't eat 'til you're full; eat 'til you're tired.
Andrew Zimmern
