Top 100 Janet Evanovich Quotes
#2. I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you're bent over about the color, don't leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want.
Janet Evanovich
#4. I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.
Janet Evanovich
#5. And Larry Burlew was a slug. She'd join the Foreign Legion before she'd marry Larry Burlew.
Janet Evanovich
#6. Holy bejeezus," Lula said, eyes bugged out, looking at the building. "This is scaring the crap out of me. This is like where Dracula would live if he didn't have any money and was a crack-head. I bet it's filled with rabid bats and killer snakes and hairy spiders as big as dinner plated.
Janet Evanovich
#7. I'd hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.
Janet Evanovich
#9. Turns out, that's how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up.
Janet Evanovich
#10. THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically.
Janet Evanovich
#11. I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?
Janet Evanovich
#12. I thought your mother liked me." "My grandmother likes you. My mother worries that you might be related to Satan.
Janet Evanovich
#13. I'm going to run you down, back over you, and then I'm going to get out and shock you with my stun gun until your hair catches fire.
Janet Evanovich
#15. Honey, Half the women in NJ have sold him their cannolli -Conie to Stephanie about Joe Morelli (One for the money)
Janet Evanovich
#16. He stood out because he had a slight British accent and an odd tattoo on his neck. A skull and a flower.
Janet Evanovich
#17. This cigarette tastes like ass, she said.
I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it.
Janet Evanovich
#18. I slipped the acres of pink taffeta over my head and struggled to get it zipped. What had originally been a dress from the Little House on the Prairie collection was now straight out of the Little Whore-house on the Prairie collection.
Janet Evanovich
#19. I like being able to provide consistent and frequent literary choices for my fans.
Janet Evanovich
#20. Drawn, eyes wide. "Holy Toledo," she said. "I called everyone I could think of while I was driving," Sally said.
Janet Evanovich
#21. If you buy chocolate with loose change the calories don't count.
Janet Evanovich
#22. Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.
Janet Evanovich
#23. That could be a problem," Glo said, "since I seem to have made a combination of two spells. But here's the good news. I didn't have any powdered newt snot, so the spell is most likely temporary.
Janet Evanovich
#26. She gestured to the bag. "What have you got in there?"
"Nothing much. Some golfballs, a handful of tees, a Glock, extra ammo, two hand grenades, a tear gas canister, a knife, Tums, clean socks, flares, and some Ensure chocolate shakes."
"You took all of that with you to play golf?
Janet Evanovich
#27. My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think
Janet Evanovich
#29. And here's the good part: He got a tongue could measure twenty-one inches. Bet Mrs. Giraffe likes that one.
Janet Evanovich
#30. Ranger is Cuban-American with skin the color of a mocha latte, heavy on the mocha, and a body that can best be described as yum.
Janet Evanovich
#31. Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done.
Janet Evanovich
#32. There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.
Janet Evanovich
#33. I like my nuts," Mooner said. "I don't want them cut off. I'd be, like, nutless then.
Janet Evanovich
#34. They have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August
Janet Evanovich
#35. I sensed a familiar presence behind me. A hand brushed my hair back, and Ranger leaned in to me and kissed me on the nape of my neck.
Janet Evanovich
#36. He specializes in virgins! The brush of his fingertips turns virgins into slobbering mush.
Mary Lou Molnar
Janet Evanovich
#37. Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.
Janet Evanovich
#38. I wasn't a fabulous cook. I didn't have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn't a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot.
Janet Evanovich
#39. I smell vampire" -Lula
"You're a Nut" -Stephine
"Well I smell something." -Lula
"Mold." -Stephine
"Yeah. I smell moldy vampire" -Lula
Janet Evanovich
#40. I'd spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.
Janet Evanovich
#41. I write to entertain. When people read one of my books I want them to finish with a smile on their faces, feeling a little bit better about themselves and the people in their lives.
Janet Evanovich
#42. He was around the desk in two strides, reaching out for me. I knocked his hand away, grabbed the staple gun, pressed it into his crotch, and bam, bam, bam, bam ... I stapled his nuts.
Janet Evanovich
#43. When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said:
She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.
Janet Evanovich
#44. Ranger was dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt and boots,
Janet Evanovich
#45. And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.
Janet Evanovich
#46. You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire.
Do you really think so?'
Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.'
I don't like the wood elves.'
They're okay. They're misunderstood.
Janet Evanovich
#47. You're not looking for a partner," Ranger said. "You're looking for an enforcer. You hate to run. You must be worried about getting into that black dress. What did you eat just now? Piece of cake? Candy bar?"
"Everything," I said. "I just ate everything.
Janet Evanovich
#48. A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.
Janet Evanovich
#49. My leg over the bike. Ranger was watching me, smiling. "I like the way you straddle that," he said. "Someday . . .
Janet Evanovich
#50. This is war,' I yelled through the door.
Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war.
Janet Evanovich
#51. Sure, he was attracted to her, but women always had to go beyond that.
Women [had] nesting fantasies. It wasn't long before they were
redecorating your apartment and criticizing your choice of mustard.
Janet Evanovich
#52. On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time.
Janet Evanovich
#53. Do you believe in God?" I asked Lula. "Fuckin' A I believe in God. Don't you believe in God?" "I believe in something. It's vague.
Janet Evanovich
#54. Nothing Personal? You've harrassed my mother, stolen my car, and now you're telling people I've gotten you pregnant! In my opinion, getting someone pregnant is pretty fucking personal! Jesus, isn't it enough I'm accused of murder? What are you the bounty hunter from hell?
Janet Evanovich
#55. Joe" I said. "It's Stephanie."
"Does this involve death?"
"Not yet."
"Does this involve sex?"
"Not yet."
"I can't imagine why else you'd be calling me.
Janet Evanovich
#58. I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate.
Grandma Mazur
Janet Evanovich
#59. But I could end up in prison." He waved off her concern. "I'd break you out." "You'd do that for me?" "You're my daughter, aren't you?" Kate smiled. Sure, he'd missed a lot of Christmases and birthdays during her childhood, but not many fathers could be counted on to mount a prison break.
Janet Evanovich
#60. I was listening to you the whole time. I didn't trust you to hang on to the earbud, so I had a mini-microphone sewn into your shirt. It's just under the rolled hem on the neckline." I glanced at it. "I thought it was just another rhinestone.
Janet Evanovich
#61. I have people trying to kill me. A giraffe is low on my list of disturbances.
Janet Evanovich
#62. The note wasn't signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard.
Janet Evanovich
#63. I'm underrealized," Lula said. "I gotta lot of untapped potential. Yesterday my horoscope said I gotta expand my horizons." "You expand any more in that dress, and you'll get yourself arrested," Connie said.
Twelve Sharp
Janet Evanovich
#64. I checked out the wine. Screw cap. The greatest invention since fire.
Janet Evanovich
#65. That's one of the things I like about Mary Lou. She's willing to believe the worst about anyone.
Janet Evanovich
#66. Hey," Lula said to Ranger's man."You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don't need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?
Janet Evanovich
#67. The elevator doors opened, and Ranger stepped out and spied Tank stretched out on the carpet.
"Fainted," I said.
Ranger walked to Tank and stood hands on hips, staring down at him. "Tank doesn't faint. I've been in firefights with him. He's a rock."
"Well, the rock fainted.
Janet Evanovich
#68. Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.
Janet Evanovich
#69. Superheroes are make-believe."
"Oh yeah?" Lula said. "What about God?"
"Hmmmm.
Janet Evanovich
#70. We've got to get into shape," I said to Lula. "We should go to a gym or something." "I'd sooner set myself on fire.
Janet Evanovich
#71. Lots of times I'm not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.
Janet Evanovich
#72. Trust him, I said. Trust Superman, Spider-man, E.T., the Ghost of Christmas Present . . . whoever the hell.
Janet Evanovich
#73. So elves could be walking around in our midst, disguised as normal, everyday, vertically challenged citizens.
Janet Evanovich
#74. Truth is, I'm a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable.
Janet Evanovich
#75. Who's the best person you know. Of all the people you know personally, is there anyone who has a sense of right and wrong and lives by it? This was a sticky question because it would have to be Ranger ... but I suspected he occasionally killed people. Only bad people, of course, but still ...
Janet Evanovich
#76. His can of pepper spray was bigger than my can of pepper spray.
Janet Evanovich
#77. What's on your bucket list?" I asked. "I got six things so far," Grandma said. "First off, I want new breasts. These ones I got are a mess.
Janet Evanovich
#78. That's why I'm not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don't need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.
Janet Evanovich
#79. I don't get writer's block because I don't believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen.
Janet Evanovich
#80. I could use some lunch." "Do you have any money?" "No," Lula said. "Do you?" "No." "There's only one thing to do then. Senior buffet." Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.
Janet Evanovich
#81. I'll go with you," Lula said. "Maybe I'll get a look at the killer Chihuahuas. And besides, I want to ride in Ranger's Porsche.
Janet Evanovich
#83. It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.
Janet Evanovich
#84. What are you doing back at the bakery?" I asked [Diesel]. "Did you know Wulf was here?" "No. I knew food was here.
Janet Evanovich
#85. Ranger unlocked my door, pulled me to him, and kissed me. The kiss started out gentle and finished with enough heat to raise the temperature in the hallway by ten degrees.
Janet Evanovich
#86. You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms.
Joe Morelli
Janet Evanovich
#88. Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.
Janet Evanovich
#89. I've been under a lot of stress lately." "You know what I do when I got stress?" Lula said. "I go shoe shopping." "I knit," Connie said. "Get out!" Lula said. "I never knew you knit stuff." "I don't knit stuff," Connie said. "I just knit.
Janet Evanovich
#90. I always know it's Sunday because I wake up feeling apologetic. That's one of the cool things about being a Catholic ... it's a multifaceted experience. If you lose the faith, chances are you'll keep the guilt, so it isn't as if you've been skunked altogether.
Janet Evanovich
#92. Um, Emerson?" she said. "I've reached the end of my rope.
Janet Evanovich
#93. Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn't mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage.
Janet Evanovich
#94. There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect
Stephanie
Janet Evanovich
#95. I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what?
Janet Evanovich
#96. I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea.
Janet Evanovich
#97. I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.
Janet Evanovich
#98. It's the twenty-first century." I told Tank. "Women drive."
"Only in my bed," Tank said. "Never in my car.
Janet Evanovich
#99. By about the sixth romance I knew I wasn't in exactly the right place. I liked writing action. And I wanted to write a book with a little more edge than I was allowed in romance.
Janet Evanovich
#100. I think that some books are more successful than others to certain readers. People who read my books for the humor, they're going to love one book. People who read my books for the mystery, they might not like that book quite as much.
Janet Evanovich
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