Top 100 Dating Humor Quotes
#2. After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.
Chelsea Handler
#3. I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?
Carol Maloney Scott
#4. Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.
Lois Greiman
#5. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".
Russell Beland
#7. Relationships are not additive, but multiplicative because you connect with his/her childhood experiences, past relationships, thoughts on money and more.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#8. He's got more red flags than Soviet Russia.
Kresley Cole
#9. Dating meant nightclubs, heels, and black. It meant, "No, thank you. Really, I'm full." It meant matching bras and underwear. Clothes with the word MICRO used to describe them.
Stephanie Klein
#10. And since I'm marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you're sleeping with Laurel - "
"I'm not sleeping with Laurel. We're dating."
"Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs."
"For a while. Minus the singing.
Nora Roberts
#11. His age was indeterminate. But in cynicism and general world weariness, which is a sort of carbon dating of the personality, he was about seven thousand years old.
Terry Pratchett
#12. My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?
Nicki Elson
#14. Really, The smart thing to do was to stop dating and get a cat.
Jennifer Crusie
#15. If you only attract Mr. Wrong or Ms. Crazy, evaluate the common thread in this diversity of people: YOU!
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#16. I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better."
"Bad deduction," Jessie said. "If that were true, I'd be dating Harrison Ford by now.
Jennifer Crusie
#17. Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.
Caprice Crane
#18. Kindness is really important to me in finding my own prince - so are patience and a sense of humor. Without those qualities he's no Prince Charming!
Anne Hathaway
#19. Maybe part of find what you wanted was recognizing what you didn't want. Maybe there was hope for me yet.
Claire Cook
#20. Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#21. I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Chelsea Handler
#22. Conflict of interest. I wanted to date somebody who was less screwed up than me, and she wasn't.
Jason Krumbine
#23. He's so outta my league, we're not even playing the same sport ... He's professional soccer in Europe and I'm intramural badminton in the States.
Nicki Elson
#24. If a boy doesn't respect his mother...run!
Tracy Yates
#25. You've experienced the single scene out there - it's blood test and background checks and references and 'Please pee in this cup before we can go on a date' screenings, all clinical and stripped bare of any romance.
Katie MacAlister
#26. Why do you have bungee cords back here?" she asked.
"I'm dating again.
Maurice Pirelli
#27. [ ... ] he had his hand on your -" He put his hand at waist level behind me, without touching me.
"He had his hand on my ass?"
"No," they said.
"Behind your back," Rashad said. "Like you're dating or something." He put his hand behind Skip's back. Skip hit him.
Jennifer Echols
#28. Charity groped for the phone, coming up with it at last and croaking "hello" in a voice that sounded exactly like a bullfrog's mating call. Which made a kind of twisted sense
last night she'd been hunting for a mate as well.
Elizabeth Jane Howard
#29. You men deserve whatever rabbit-boiling scenario dating crazy women gets you.
Rachel Hollis
#30. Ah," said Magnus. "Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
Cassandra Clare
#31. Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials ... I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
Josh Stern
#32. Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex."
"At least you know he's still available.
Cassandra Clare
#33. As an adult, I've met an ocean of divorced people. I might even know more divorced people than married people, because I live in godless Los Angeles, where if you're engaged it simply means you're publicly announcing that you are dating a person monogamishly.
Mindy Kaling
#34. My stomach flipped. I stopped. This guy was trending in my mind big time.
Luella Christie
#35. His name is Tyson? I hate to break it to you, but you dated a brand of chicken.
Gena Showalter
#36. Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.
Jacob M. Appel
#37. That's all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?
Nicki Elson
#38. My head is in a world of hurt. My apartment is trashed. At the end of today, I could either be dating the girl who saves my family's future or is going to be the ending of it. When did life get so damn complicated?
Pella Grace
#39. I'd rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date.
Stephanie McAfee
#40. Flirting is a "controversial art form" that leaves the intended either flattered, infatuated, creeped out or getting a restraining order.
Shannon L. Alder
#41. I knew dating the son of Satan would turn out badly
Darynda Jones
#42. If you don't want to tear off the clothes of the person you're on a date with and jump into bed with them, then what's the point? I'd never date; instead, I'd have lots of good friends and hug them a lot and life would be easier and neater and uncomplicated.
Rachel Machacek
#43. It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.
Catherine Gilbert Murdock
#44. Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.
Lois Greiman
#45. I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says.
"Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
R.J. Palacio
#46. It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
Charlaine Harris
#47. I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable
which is to say wealthy
wife among the ladies attending.
And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.
Libba Bray
#48. I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'
Adam Ferrara
#49. It would seem this is the gift modernity has bestowed upon our generation: the practice of "dating," an awkward procedure where a man and a woman find themselves talking rot to each other in a darkened room. If it were up to me, I would say modernity can keep it, as I want no part.
Suzanne Rindell
#50. In what way did your parents screw up to make you the woman you are today?
Nicki Elson
#51. There's life after divorce, Sarah,' my father proclaimed, not that he'd ever been divorced.
Claire Cook
#52. Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce ... ?
Josh Stern
#53. It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
Brandon Mull
#54. Could the entire notion of finding one's soul mate be a simple case of looking for ourselves in another body? Is the "soul mate" really just the best approximation of ourselves that we can find?
Dermot Davis
#55. Maybe love is something we're meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns.
Jen Glantz
#56. When you're dating someone, you need to have intercourse at least ten times before you start talking about The Future.
Mimi Strong
#57. Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Candace Bushnell
#58. Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon.
Dermot Davis
#59. When I was dating, my girlfriends and I used to say, 'Don't cry in front of him before date three.' "
"Cry?" I echoed, frowning.
"Yeah. Guys gets skittish when you cry."
"I don't think I have to worry about that one."
"You don't cry?"
"I don't make it to date three.
Kasie West
#60. What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won't quit? Think about the primary function of an ass - I'd think that's the sort of thing you might want to quit.
Nicki Elson
#61. Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#62. Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self
Amrita Sarkar
#63. He had to say that the thing he found most attractive about her was that she had tried to kill herself. Now that was interesting
sexy, almost, in a morbid kind of way.
Nick Hornby
#64. Yeah, sure. You know I can't stand the sight of blood, right?"
"Said no one ever while dating a vampire," he quipped
"Very clever. Ten points to Gryffindor.
Kristi Cook
#65. I'm thinking there should be a dating site called "Tap That" - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy
E.J. Eisman
#66. What's your name?"
"Emma Gould," she said. "What's yours?"
"Wanted."
"By all the girls or just the law?
Dennis Lehane
#68. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#69. Tip #4
Skinny-dip at will!
(Idea)
When single boast about finding your inner most happy place and hold on to it Odds are once married you can kiss personal space Good-Bye.
Hazel Cartwright
#70. Aves hasn't mentioned a boyfriend," Lock chimed in, "and we're just dying to hear all about you." Liar. My friends were filthy lying sadists.
Lish McBride
#71. And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
Mike Birbiglia
#72. Maybe I shouldn't scare off my date so quickly by shooting guns and telling stories about vomit, but, hey, the sooner he knows the real me, the better.
Vicki Lesage
#73. Just because you're in the market for a minivan doesn't mean you can't test drive a hotrod.
Inez Kelley
#74. For those whose ganglia were formed pre-TV, the mimetic deployment of pop-culture icons seems at best an annoying tic and at worst a dangerous vapidity that compromises fiction's seriousness by dating it out of the Platonic Always, where it ought to reside.
Jonathan Lethem
#75. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
Dermot Davis
#76. When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.
Daria Snadowsky
#77. You picked a man who can read tax code and date a celibate for two years. That's some serious patience. I have zero doubt in my ability to wait you out. I have zero doubt that you're meant to be my girl.
Joshilyn Jackson
#78. Just think of the acclaim! The feelings of satisfaction! The vastly increased dating opportunities!
Chris Baty
#79. When you make things too easy on someone, you're giving them a discount on your worth; and this causes them to regard you as inferior.
K.M.Docherty
#80. Guys said you did good today." He made a face. He'd done his job, nothing more. God knew he'd have taken on any threat to protect Taya. "Wish I'd been able to get more out of the bastard before he went to his seventy-two virgin dating service in the sky.
Kaylea Cross
#81. And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.' Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!
John Bytheway
#82. Why one human being is attracted to another is one of the great mysteries of the world.
Claire Cook
#83. Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.
Jacob M. Appel
#84. On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive-aggressive didn't know Peter was out of town.
Theric Jepson
#85. Break ups aren't fair. Why does only one person have power? We both agreed to start dating. Why do you get to make the decision to end it? Shouldn't it be a joint decision too?
Relationships aren't a democracy. Not everyone gets an equal vote.
Alyssa Ivy Rose
#86. ** The fall semester will offer such classes as Learning When to Shut Up, Asking for Directions, Chick Flicks 101 and The Art of Loading the Dishwasher (Lab Fee Extra)
K. Larsen
#88. I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend.
Augusten Burroughs
#89. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#90. First Pallas and now you," the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. "It's like I'm running a goddamn dating service around here.
Julie James
#91. So it's possible I might be dating Batman.
John Goode
#92. Sometimes, you have to shot block a friend's prayer because she's asking God to bless an obviously bad dating relationship.
Jonathon Acuff
#93. What was happening here? He decided that children were what was happening here; that children served as a symbolic blemish, like a birthmark or obesity, which gave him a chance where previously there would have been none. Maybe children democratized beautiful single women.
Nick Hornby
#94. No one can be your sun, moon, or stars until you have your own world.
K.M.Docherty
#95. All in all, the lunch date was fine. Like an opened can of soda in its second hour. If you were thirsty, you might take a sip or two, but I carried more hopes walking in to the restaurant than I did walking out.
Heather Dugan
#96. Hormones, it seemed, we're making a much-delayed appearance in her life.
Liv was horrified.
Danika Stone
#97. It wasn't like there was a dating and mating website for bear shifters. If there had been, its mascot would have been that yellow Care Bear with the heart on its stomach.
Lila Felix
#98. You doan go diggin' for gold in an outhouse.
Sandra Hill
#99. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Rita Rudner
#100. For those who have true love, have no limits of expressing their love to one another yet it is a sad fact that those who are searching for love, fear expressing their love to even those who love them.
Auliq Ice
