Top 100 Greg Behrendt Quotes
#1. I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
Greg Behrendt
#2. Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.
Greg Behrendt
#3. If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.
Greg Behrendt
#4. The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!
Greg Behrendt
#5. Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.
Greg Behrendt
#6. If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
Greg Behrendt
#8. I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
Greg Behrendt
#9. I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.
Greg Behrendt
#10. Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
Greg Behrendt
#11. I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
Greg Behrendt
#12. So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.
Greg Behrendt
#13. It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.
Greg Behrendt
#15. The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
Greg Behrendt
#16. I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Greg Behrendt
#17. A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.
Greg Behrendt
#18. I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
Greg Behrendt
#20. I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
Greg Behrendt
#21. I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.
Greg Behrendt
#22. Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
Greg Behrendt
#23. Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself
Greg Behrendt
#24. People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
Greg Behrendt
#25. As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.
Greg Behrendt
#26. Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down.
Greg Behrendt
#27. You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.
Greg Behrendt
#28. There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.
Greg Behrendt
#29. Is he making you happy? I don't mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, "but the good still outweighs the bad." Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him?
Greg Behrendt
#30. She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
Greg Behrendt
#31. I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
Greg Behrendt
#32. I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
Greg Behrendt
#33. Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time
Greg Behrendt
#34. There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.
Greg Behrendt
#35. Turning a breakup into a break-over ... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
Greg Behrendt
#36. If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing,
because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.
Greg Behrendt
#37. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.
Greg Behrendt
#38. Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ...
Greg Behrendt
#39. I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'
Greg Behrendt
#40. The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.
Greg Behrendt
#41. If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater ... I'd be just fine.
Greg Behrendt
#42. When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.
Greg Behrendt
#43. I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.
Greg Behrendt
#45. My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.
Greg Behrendt
#46. He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.
Greg Behrendt
#47. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Greg Behrendt
#48. So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
Greg Behrendt
#49. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves
Greg Behrendt
#50. My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Greg Behrendt
#51. But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation
Greg Behrendt
#52. Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
Greg Behrendt
#53. You already have one asshole, you don't need another one
Greg Behrendt
#54. I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.
Greg Behrendt
#55. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.
Greg Behrendt
#56. For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
Greg Behrendt
#57. Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.
Greg Behrendt
#58. I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.
Greg Behrendt
#59. E may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.
Greg Behrendt
#61. Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
Greg Behrendt
#62. I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
Greg Behrendt
#64. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
Greg Behrendt
#65. The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
Greg Behrendt
#66. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
Greg Behrendt
#67. Hey, Hot Stuff, Can't wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting. Your Future
Greg Behrendt
#68. Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.
Greg Behrendt
#69. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
Greg Behrendt
#71. If the guy you're dating doesn't seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out,' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.
Greg Behrendt
#72. A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.
Greg Behrendt
#73. I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid.
Greg Behrendt
#74. I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.
Greg Behrendt
#75. Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.
Greg Behrendt
#76. Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.
Greg Behrendt
#77. People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
Greg Behrendt
#78. I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.
Greg Behrendt
#79. Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of.
Greg Behrendt
#80. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less.
Greg Behrendt
#81. So many of us find ourselves saying, "but he was so great!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.
Greg Behrendt
#82. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.
Greg Behrendt
#83. You can't fix people or make them change; the only thing you can do is pack your shit and leave if it isn't working for you.
Greg Behrendt
#84. When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.
Greg Behrendt
#85. A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.
Greg Behrendt
#86. Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.
Greg Behrendt
#87. Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
Greg Behrendt
#88. He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great.
Greg Behrendt
#89. Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?
Greg Behrendt
#90. Alone also means available for someone outstanding.
Greg Behrendt
#91. Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.
Greg Behrendt
#92. Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
Greg Behrendt
#93. Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
Greg Behrendt
#94. Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
Greg Behrendt
#95. I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.
Greg Behrendt
#96. We were raised to pursue women ... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.
Greg Behrendt
#97. I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.
Greg Behrendt
#98. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
Greg Behrendt
#99. Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you
Greg Behrendt
#100. How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?
Greg Behrendt
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