Top 100 Dad Humor Quotes
#1. You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily
Candace Allan
#2. My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
Rachel Caine
#4. Percy: Dad-
Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.
Percy: I'm praying, I'm talking to you, right?
Poseidon: Oh ... yes. Good point.
Rick Riordan
#5. Dad leapt over the garden wall instead of going through the gate. Sadly he didn't do himself a severe injury, and so he lives to embarrass me to death another day.
Louise Rennison
#7. Dad said High Lonesome, as the area was known, wasn't a place for the soft of head or the weak of heart, and he said that was why he and I made out just fine there, because we were both tough nuts.
Jeannette Walls
#8. My dad was a very funny man - he's the one who taught me life would be awfully hard without humor! I'm sure his Irish wit in some way influenced my decision to become an actress.
Joan Cusack
#9. There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.
A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.
Andrew Hussie
#10. What, no Star Wars?"
Solo sighs. "I wanted to bring the original, unaltered Episode IV, in which my namesake shoots first, as our Lord and savior intended."
"Why didn't you?"
"I only have it on VHS, and my dad's old VHS player broke halfway through the summer.
Jeff Garvin
#11. Dad" I pleaded, "this is so [cuss word you never, ever say in front of your mother] ridiculous.
Jennifer Echols
#12. Parental looks rely a lot on brow positioning. Whereas the Dad Look involves the lowering of the brow as a whole, the Mom Look takes advantage of the power of the single, raised brow. Of Doom.
Susan Bischoff
#13. My dad told me that when I was born my cheeks were so fat the doctors didn't know which end to spank.
Sean Covey
#14. At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?
Rachel Caine
#15. Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Tim Allen
#16. Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"
I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.
Robin Benway
#17. My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent.
Ernest Cline
#18. Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.
David C. Holley
#19. My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.
Roseanne Barr
#20. Dad followed his I'm-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities.
"You're going to study literature and get a job doing what?" he said. "Literaturizing?
David Sedaris
#21. My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
Marc Maron
#22. My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Bob Saget
#23. I, a half naked German, was about to be discovered by her cruel Viking dad in his own bedroom, having smudged his daughter just hours ago. Full of gratitude I contemplated that I would at least not die a virgin.
John Duover
#24. Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.
Theric Jepson
#25. Did Dad have a blog about me or something? My Daugther Sophie and Why You Should Al Follow Her and/or Marry Her.
Rachel Hawkins
#26. You know how to shoot?"- Emma
"Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert." - Heather
"What happened to him?" -Shanna
"He was ... shot." -Heather
Kerrelyn Sparks
#27. Stone growled and stepped toward Dad, fangs bared. That's a good gargoyle. Take a bite out of Daddy for me.
Devon Monk
#28. "I should be home by midnight."
"Dad, I need a car."
"Uh-huh. And I need a villa in the south of France. Go figure. Lights out at eleven," he added as he
turned away.
"I've got to have wheels,
Nora Roberts
#29. He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though ... keep up with my news ... check if I'm happy ...
J.K. Rowling
#30. Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Band? Simon inquired. "No, probably not.
Cassandra Clare
#31. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark
#32. Since I didn't have a spork handy, I leaned over the sink and scooped up a palmful of cold water and pressed it against my face. There had to be a better option than a violent sporking. There had to be a way to get rid of my dad.
Devon Monk
#33. What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'
I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?
Jamie McGuire
#34. I call my dad 'Admiral Ass Hat,' he doesn't really think it's funny.
Jay Crownover
#35. Then Dad started going on about the complex geological formations in this part of the coast until Mum told him to shut up. But she was smiling when she said it. Lucy liked that.
Kerrie O'Connor
#36. I'd let her sell it to Dad. They tended not to contradict each other so if one of them had already said "yes" it usually meant "yes." If one of them said "no", ditto
which was why I'd asked Mom first.
Steven Gould
#37. I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents ... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad ... you should be a caveman."
Mike Birbiglia
#38. That little cabin belongs to my dad, and I just happen to have the keys. Wanna see it?"
Was he nuts? Of course I wanted to go into a dark cabin in the woods with him. "Sure.
J.B. Hartnett
#39. Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.
Rachel Hawkins
#40. Mum says be careful of boys who never take anything seriously. Dad says a boy needs a good sense of humor to get through his love life. Jazz says my dad must need a sense of humor to get through his love life if he's living in the shed
Cath Crowley
#41. Her dad's voice boomed from inside the house. "I've got a Glock, a shovel, and five acres of woods, Johnson!
Melissa Landers
#42. Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
Bill Watterson
#43. Pegasus's dad was poseidon, the god of the sea, and his mom was Medusa, and evil Gorgon who had fangs and lizard skin and living snakes for hair. And you thought your family was weird.
Evan Kuhlman
#44. I'm stuck!" Dad yelled. "My big fat tubby body is stuck!
James Dashner
#45. One bad thing can often be rectified or overlooked, but several of them can sometimes coalesce into a compound disaster that sprouts tentacles and develops a self-directed will of its own, the kind of thing my dear old dad used to call a cluster fudge bar.
Eleanor Druse
#46. He is so full of manure, that man, we could lay him in the dirt and grow another one just like him." Ruby about her dad in "Cold Mountain
Charles Frazier
#47. How long till you get her?"
"Not long," she says. "Not long at all."
He sighs again. "Good."
"But dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you remind me where I'm going?
Jennifer E. Smith
#48. I hope I pass on my dad's good humor, work ethic and lack of self-seriousness. Our house was always a fun place where you'd get knocked around quickly if you took yourself too seriously.
Willie Geist
#49. I've met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to
school for Career Day.
Rick Riordan
#50. I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind of a soft-spoken, understated sense of humor, I think that's how I became what I am, which is sort of an understated storyteller.
Mike Birbiglia
#51. We'll make it a blowout like in the olden days."
"When dinosaurs roamed the earth?" Teddy asked.
"Exactly," Dad said. "When dinosaurs roamed the earth and your mom and I were young.
Gayle Forman
#52. I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.
Chris Rock
#53. I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Bill Bailey
#54. Hey, Mom and Dad, this is my "friend" Jamie. My boyfriend Jamie. We're going to England together. Also, I met him in a secret society. We're Diggers,folks. And Eli graduates. And in love.What do you think?
Diana Peterfreund
#55. Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building.
Aimee Bender
#56. Turner didn't have to put up with this. He had enough trouble with George's sarcasm. He held his hand. "Keys please."
Her face fell. "Sorry. I sometimes speak without thinking. Well, not sometimes. Often. Never an unspoken thought, my dad used to say. And my mum. And my employers.
Barbara Elsborg
#57. I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Adam Carolla
#58. My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da.
Kevin Hearne
#59. My dad read, I think, the Perry Mason mysteries and Zane Grey and some humor compendiums ... And then at one point, the bookmobile started coming to town. That was really cool. I mean, that was when I read my first Raymond Carver story. I think that was probably 1969 or so. I must have been 13.
Tom Drury
#60. Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.
Brent Weeks
#61. My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends. He raised me on Spike Jones records and W.C. Fields movies, and his sense of humor fell somewhere in between.
Tony Visconti
#62. I think you're possessed."
"Old news."
"Huh. Anyone I know?"
"My dad. It's a family issue I'm working on.
Devon Monk
#63. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr
#64. I couldn't help but feel a little smug at the prospect of finding my phone this way. I was going to beat Dad at his own game, using the ability he didn't believe I had.
Ha! Take that, you muggle!
K.J. McPike
#65. My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics.
Kristin Gore
#66. You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually.
Eoin Colfer
#67. Dad hit lecture mode from word one.
Devon Monk
#68. I wanted to tell his dad that Nathan was fine the way he was and that he was the one that needed to change. It made me glad to have my parents. If I told my dad I was gay, he'd probably just look scared and hand over more safe sex money. -Nick Severson
C.K. Kelly Martin
#69. Question (from a reader) : Will the Wise Goddess Athena overthrow Zeus and become the ruler of Olympus?
Athena's answer : What an interesting idea ... No, just kidding, Dad. Put away the lightning bolt.
Rick Riordan
#70. I hadn't known my dad could get so competitive over an auction. It was
probably a good thing he hadn't yet discovered eBay.
Piper Banks
#71. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#72. We were all used to Dad's little show-off sessions, and though they were never worthy of excitement, we always tried to humor him. (Last weekend he'd called us out to the lawn to see what a big pile of dandelions he'd weeded.)
Emily Cassel
#73. Watching TV Mum said, 'Do you miss your dad?' and I said, 'Who?
Louise Rennison
#74. I've got a dad thanks. Your just the jerk who knocked up my mum and left her to figure out what to do with a son who likes setting things on fire. - Adam Vasic
Kelley Armstrong
#75. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.
Jay Leno
#76. I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh.
Marlo Thomas
#77. My dad is just like everybody else's dad. I see him as kind of a goofy guy with a great sense of humor. I try to get in a battle of wits with him, but he always gets me. I emulate him because I've never seen anyone work as hard as he does.
Peter Uihlein
#78. Ooh, big day in town for our park warden," I said. "They're even making you wear the uniform.
Hayley's mom will be happy. She thinks you look hot in it."
Dad turned as red as his hair.
Mom's laugh floated out from her studio. "Maya Delaney. Leave your father alone.
Kelley Armstrong
#79. When we passed a Catholic church, I recalled, he said, You think your dad's a good chemist? They're turning soda crackers into meat in there. Can your dad do that?
Kurt Vonnegut
#80. I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Mitch Hedberg
#81. Are you okay?"
"Leave me alone, Charlie."
"No, really. What's wrong?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"I could try."
"That's a laugh. That's really a laugh."
"Do you want me to wake up Mom and Dad then?"
"No."
"Well, maybe they could -"
"CHARLIE! SHUT UP! OKAY?! JUST SHUT UP!
Stephen Chbosky
#82. What I'm putting forth," he said, "is that the four of us make some memories, become fast friends and abandon starchy old mind-sets about monogamy. The world's gone crazy. Let's do the same."
"The answer is no," Dad said. "And I'm surprised I'm not punching you.
George Saunders
#83. Sorry to hear about your Dad."
He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."
"Heart attack?"
"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.
J.A. Konrath
#84. Which brings us to the least sexy word in the English language, kids," Dad said, kicking back in his chair. "Inbreeding. Avoid it.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#85. But family connections are weird. Even if your relatives aren't good to you, they're still your blood. You can't lose that connection completely. And believe me, I've got a few relatives on my dad's side I'd love to lose.
Rick Riordan
#86. At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.
P.C. Cast
#87. Jesus, Dad," I said as people stared. "Someone will rob you."
The captain laughed. "Yeah." He jerked his chin toward Kash. "Him.
Heidi Heilig
#88. Bill walked slowly to Cara's dressed and leaned on the edge, folding his arms as the pine creaked under his weight. Even the furniture feared this man.
Melissa Landers
#89. My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
Warwick Davis
#90. I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.
Veronica Blade
#91. Dad, is she serious?"
John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.
Molly McAdams
#92. Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his.
Jandy Nelson
#93. You're probably better at math than I am, because pretty much everyone's better at math than I am, but it's okay, I'm fine with it. See, I excel at other, more important things - guitar, sex, and consistently disappointing my dad, to name a few.
Jennifer Niven
#94. Monty Jones: Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?
Professor Jones: Yes, yes there is.
David Morgan-Mar
#95. Then there was this empty silence-a hole in the noisy crowd. Troy watched me, Dad watched Troy watching me, and I watched Dad watching Troy watching me. I cleared my throat and said, It's getting late.
Megan Miranda
#96. This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
Kelley Armstrong
#97. Thanks, Dad, for leaving a huge void in my life that Freud says has to be filled with dick.
Leah Raeder
#98. There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"
...
"Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.
Rick Riordan
#99. First,' Dad said, giving me a stern look, 'Captain Griswold and you [Nora] and i must have a little chat.'
I batted my eyelashes at him, even as my cheeks heated. Chas choked, and scrawled out, You stil ow me detales! Detales!!!
Lia Habel
#100. Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
Russell Howard
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