Top 100 Age Humor Quotes
#1. Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age. Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid world. It's more than just a matter of laughing. If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.
Dr. Seuss
#2. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#3. Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
Erma Bombeck
#5. She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ever since she was two.
Margaret Atwood
#6. Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Ogden Nash
#7. Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.
Boyd K. Packer
#8. I could only approach girls half my age, so I never brought any girl home. Mom thought I was disciplined, but the truth is that I was deprived.
Nick Nwaogu
#9. But we are living in a skeptical and, if I may use the phrase, a thought-tormented age; and sometimes I fear that this new generation, educated or hypereducated as it is, will lack those qualities of humanity, of hospitality, of kindly humor which belonged to an older day..
James Joyce
#10. Werewolves never joke about age," he said solemnly.
"Why not?"
Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. "I dunno," he finally admitted. "I just thought it sounded good.
Rose Wynters
#11. It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.
Robert Orben
#13. We don't ask when people age out of singing, or eating ice cream; why would we stop making love?
Ashton Applewhite
#14. Godfrey's wife Charmian sat with her eyes closed, attempting to put her thoughts into alphabetical order which Godfrey had told her was better than no order at all, since she now had grasp of neither logic nor chronology.
Muriel Spark
#16. Fortunately for Alan's sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.
Nicole Castle
#17. Self-awareness: it is one of the chief bonuses of advancing age. It is our consolation prize.
Louise Doughty
#19. No one under the age of eighteen needs a cell phone unless they're a surgeon, a drug dealer, or a prostitute.
Paul Rudnick
#20. I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don't care whether it's ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, or whose ox is being gored.
Betty White
#21. Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.
James Agee
#22. And keep a sense of humor. It doesn't mean you have to tell jokes. If you can't think of anything else, when you're my age, take off your clothes and walk in front of a mirror. I guarantee you'll get a laugh.
Art Linkletter
#23. Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.
Brandon Sanderson
#24. That wasn't Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old," Kate said.
I told you, they age slower out here. It's all the fresh California air," Val replied.
Yes, because that's exactly what Los Angeles is known for," Kate said dryly. "Clean air.
Julie James
#25. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#26. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
#27. He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.
Marika Christian
#28. REFUSAL
When you refuse
to tell your weight
and age,
people know
you're fat and old.
Chocolate Waters
#29. Udden attack of culture snobbery is a common affliction among policemen of a certain rank and age; it's like a normal midlife crisis only with more chandeliers and foreign languages.
Ben Aaronovitch
#30. By gad, is that you, Ainswood? I haven't seen you in a dog's age. How's the gout? Still troubling you?
Loretta Chase
#31. Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz
#32. The first indication of menopause is a broken thermostat. It's either that or your weight. In any case, if you don't do something, you could be dead by August.
God, middle age is an unending insult.
Dorothea Benton Frank
#33. Though I should have known better, I had to ask. "What is furniture disease?"
She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. "It's when your chest falls into your drawers. Get ready for it, honey, because with that rack of yours, you'll be using them as knee pads before you know it.
Annelise Ryan
#34. It is perhaps life's greatest accomplishment to live to old age, maintaining one's wits, one's sense of humor, one's health, and one's charm.
Yehudi Menuhin
#35. Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf.
Andrew Davidson
#36. Two or three years from now thirty won't look so senile.
Warner Fabian
#37. Lately, my sexual fantasies revolved around once again having a landlord. Looks, age, and hygiene didn't matter, as long as he had a tool belt and said, Don't worry, I'll fix it.
J.A. Konrath
#38. I was quite a looker in my time," she said. Was she reading his mind, or only being smart, to know she must be hideous?
"Oh, had they invented time as long ago as that?
Gregory Maguire
#39. She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline
maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents' generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones.
Rainbow Rowell
#40. I have certainly heard of the Subtle Art of Shutting Up, but I can't say I've practiced it all that much. I greatly prefer the underappreciated genius of Speaking My Mind. I figure if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they shouldn't put their ears in close proximity to my mouth.
Jenny Lundquist
#41. The bracelet and the first charm appeared the day I punched Austin Jackson in the nose. I didn't mean to slug him. His face just got in my way. It was a bruising end to a disastrous first month in middle school.
Jenny Lundquist
#42. When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.
Lois Greiman
#43. The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
Mark Twain
#44. Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can do.
Golda Meir
#45. Nat: Maybe you broke something.
Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!
Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.
Herb Gardner
#46. In this modern day and age America's newest slogan is: Mom, apple pie and high-speed Internet. They say you can live two weeks without food, a day or so without water but take someone's smart phone away, and that person won't last five minutes."
- Will Roberts
Will Roberts
#47. Too young to care; Too old to change.
Hafsa Shah
#48. I was a product of a divorced family and I used humor as a weapon to combat sadness. I used comedy to make my mother laugh in light of the darkness that she faced, and to me it became a very powerful tool at a very young age, at six. I saw how therapeutic it could be.
Josh Gad
#49. From an early age onward, it was said that 'Ingmar has no sense of humor.'
Ingmar Bergman
#50. Deke: 'You know what I'm wonderin'?'
Malachi: 'No, and to tell the truth, I don't care'
Deke: 'I'm wonderin' how you've managed to live to the ripe old age of 36, when it's a known fact that you've been brain-dead since birth'
'Strength of will', was the flat reply
Lynn Turner
#51. Judy, you don't know nothin' about the South. You don't even know the difference between the North and the South.'
I said, 'Oh yes I do. In the North, there's a cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
Judy Tenuta
#52. As for learning to wear high heels, no need to worry. I've got no tolerance for those dreadful things. If God wanted us girls tottering around like a bunch of drunken sailors, we'd have been born wearing stilts!
Jenny Lundquist
#53. I was only twenty-five, much to young to die. Probably about the right age to become a complete hypochondriac, however.
Kylie Scott
#54. As for the age of electronics, Selena, I really don't want to get personal with something that comes with a warning label and batteries. (Grace)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#55. We were all so young that there were no lines on our faces to read between.
Phyllis Theroux
#56. How old did they tell you I am?" she demanded, hurrying to match his pace.
Joel shook his head. "If my mother ever taught me anything, it was to never question a lady's age.
Deidre Huesmann
#57. We believed Paris was the start of us. It's the kind of city that makes you think of beginnings, or even juicy middles. Paris is a book to savor, in whole or in part, at any time and in any season. At age ninety or at thirty-four, you can open any chapter and read from there.
Michelle Gable
#58. I would play ball with Catherine, and hide and seek: Not a very challenging game in an open meadow, but she was still at the age where she believed that if she shut her eyes and buried her head under a shawl then she could not be seen.
Philippa Gregory
#60. This is the age of total digitalisation; everything is online always.'
'Uh huh, and that's why our politicians are pure and clean, and the world works so well, is it? Because everybody knows everything and there's no hiding place.
Peter F. Hamilton
#61. I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby ...
Erma Bombeck
#62. There are very few humorists who have written first-rate humor after they've become elderly.
Richard Armour
#63. Face it girls. I'm older and I have more insurance.
Fannie Flagg
#64. Men are most virile and attractive between the ages of 35 and 55. Under 35 a man has too much to learn, and I don't have time to teach him.
Hedy Lamarr
#65. Email is the scourge of our age,' said Silvia. 'Email and cancer.
Olivia Sudjic
#66. P.S. Please don't call me Isabella. That name belongs to a really pretty girl who never wrecks her clothes and who never gets dirt under her fingernails. That's definitely not me. My name is Izzy.
Jenny Lundquist
#67. As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
#68. The 1930s - a Golden Age for American humor, mainly because everything else was going so badly. The wisecrack was the basic American sentence because there were so many things that could not be said any other way.
Wilfrid Sheed
#70. I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.
Chelsea Handler
#71. Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.
David C. Holley
#72. The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.
Stephen Hunt
#73. I wish I was 18 again, not that I don't like the age I'm at right now, but at 18yrs old I knew everything!
Michael Nuccio
#74. Turns out, most girls would rather put on lip gloss than play with sand toads.
Jenny Lundquist
#75. Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.
Guillermo Del Toro
#76. For an age we stood there like that, me holding him by the collar of his jacket and kissing him for all I was worth, him standing there, hands up like I was frisking him with no idea what to do about it.
It. Was. Awesome.
Rosemary Clement-Moore
#77. Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.
Jim Butcher
#78. I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bob Monkhouse
#79. What is Time, O sister of similar features, that you speak of it so subserviently? Are we to be the slaves of the sun, that secondhand overrated knob of gilt, or of his sister, that fatuous circle of silver paper? A curse upon their ridiculous dictatorship!
Mervyn Peake
#80. No! You mean you're the late CHarlemagne; you must be six or seven hundred years old, at the very least."
"Trouble has done it, Bilgewater, trouble has done it; trouble has brung these gray hairs and this premature balditude.
Mark Twain
#81. DARK AGE LOSERS PROBLY USED TURNIPS FOR IPHONES LOL!!!!
Charlie Brooker
#82. You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#83. One should never make one's debut with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one's old age.
Oscar Wilde
#84. She did, she really told her. She was pretty scary, actually,"
"The best women always are, love; you don't get to my age without realizing that.
Gil McNeil
#85. The whole "weak in the knees" thing,which she always thought was just some idiotic expression back from the golden age of idiotic expressions,was real.
-Suite Scarlett
Maureen Johnson
#86. People have told me 'Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends ... '
.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I'd need a Ouija board
Betty White
#88. Mamma says she is quite certain that "how old is too old?" is not a question known to the Lord.
Annette Bridges
#89. Thirty
the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair.
F Scott Fitzgerald
#90. I am asking Scribners to insert as a subtitle in everything after the eighth printing
THE SUN ALSO RISES (LIKE YOUR COCK IF YOU HAVE ONE)
A greater Gatsby
(Written with the friendship of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Prophet of THE JAZZ AGE)
Ernest Hemingway,
#92. There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out - I don't know - personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.
J. Lincoln Fenn
#93. If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.
Bauvard
#94. New Age eccentricity could only take you so far before you wandered into mentally ill territory.
M.M. McLaughlin
#95. People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.
Ariel Leve
#96. There are Indian grandmas who get too much church and Indian grandmas where the church doesn't take, and who are let loose in their old age to shock the young. Zack had one of those last sort.
Louise Erdrich
#98. And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer's had brought out her inner sailor.
Vivian Vande Velde
#99. It must be quite a shock to suddenly find out you're pregnant, seventeen times over - at your age, too.
Lois McMaster Bujold
#100. I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
Margaret Atwood
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