Paul Rudnick Quotes

#1. I never got that show - Les Miz. It's about the French guy, right, who steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for the rest of his life. For Toast. Get over it!

Paul Rudnick

#2. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It's a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write.

Paul Rudnick

#3. There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

Paul Rudnick

#4. I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.

Paul Rudnick

#5. No one under the age of eighteen needs a cell phone unless they're a surgeon, a drug dealer, or a prostitute.

Paul Rudnick

#6. I'm here," I continued, "to guide you into the light of truth, decency and perhaps pants.

Paul Rudnick

#7. I just hate that gay role models are supposed to be just like straight people, as if even straight people are like that.

Paul Rudnick

#8. I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or would that just be too weird?

Paul Rudnick

#9. Sometimes I think that we should send all of the Killer Mediums to Afghanistan because al-Qaeda wouldn't stand a chance.

Paul Rudnick

#10. Dysmorphia is when someone looks in the mirror, and sees something else. While I studied my own whatever I was, I decided that maybe everyone has at least a touch of dysmorphia; maybe it's impossible for anyone to ever truly know what they look like.

Paul Rudnick

#11. Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children.

Paul Rudnick

#12. Oh my God. I love rich people. And royalty are the best because they're rich people who can't be fires.

Paul Rudnick

#13. There was a cable-TV program that documented how Peeps are made, and it showed unlimited hordes of Peeps bouncing merrily down a conveyor belt, right toward the camera. I came.

Paul Rudnick

#14. In so many YA books the heroine, who's just a regular girl, has to choose between two dreamboats who are both, for no particular reason, madly in love with her, which is probably why these books are labeled fiction.

Paul Rudnick

#15. I am not! said the guy's girlfriend, who was wearing a very short skirt, very high heels and the kind of complicated hairstyle that looks like it needs blueprints and a construction crew.

Paul Rudnick

#16. State your name."
"Venice Huber."
"Occupation?"
"Well, it's hard to say. I don't model, land of the seventeen bimbos. I don't act - after all, isn't an actress just a model who won't shut up? Let's say, oh - homemaker. Could you die?

Paul Rudnick

#17. I was once all by myself in a house on Fire Island. Where I compared the original cast recordings of two different versions of The Wild Party. A helicopter should have descended and taken me away to a gay penal colony. But of course, I was already there.

Paul Rudnick

#18. The only thing I have ever been asked [by a pollster] was the age at which I first indulged in oral sex (which, since it was a Yale Daily News poll, meant kissing).

Paul Rudnick

#19. Does she really need that many pairs of kneesocks? Aren't kneesocks just chastity belts for your shins?

Paul Rudnick

#20. A person's bathroom, I believe, is the only three-dimensional expression of their soul.

Paul Rudnick

#21. Most gay bashers will be wearing what gay people had on four years earlier - only in polyester with a Penney's label.

Paul Rudnick

#22. If God didn't want you to have it, He would never have let you see it.

Paul Rudnick

#23. My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice.

Paul Rudnick

#24. Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you ... ," she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you ... my butt.

Paul Rudnick