Top 100 Women Humor Quotes

#1. Women were tricky creatures under the best of circumstances. This was not the best of circumstances.

Genevieve Dewey

Women Humor Quotes #170030
#2. A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case

Maurys Gaucho

Women Humor Quotes #200818
#3. My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014)

Denise Baer

Women Humor Quotes #200442
#4. You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on.

Lexi Blake

Women Humor Quotes #199859
#5. Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

Josh Stern

Women Humor Quotes #199618
#6. Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

Shannon L. Alder

Women Humor Quotes #198460
#7. All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!

Hiromu Arakawa

Women Humor Quotes #190870
#8. We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down.

Stacy Schiff

Women Humor Quotes #190681
#9. Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.
It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.

Oscar Wilde

Women Humor Quotes #190499
#10. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

Tina Fey

Women Humor Quotes #186960
#11. Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist's little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

Lisa Daily

Women Humor Quotes #181626
#12. My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.

Elizabeth Gaskell

Women Humor Quotes #174049
#13. In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead.

Margaret Dilloway

Women Humor Quotes #172215
#14. Women's potential to disrupt patriarchy and make men vulnerable is why it's so easy for women to make men feel foolish or emasculated through the mildest humor that focuses on maleness and hints at women's power to stop going along with the status quo.

Allan G. Johnson

Women Humor Quotes #203170
#15. Women are angels, and when someone breaks your wings...We simply continue to fly...On a broomstick. We are flexible like that

Grace

Women Humor Quotes #167132
#16. I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Women Humor Quotes #162100
#17. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'

Kim Fielding

Women Humor Quotes #160309
#18. Agent Smith, a lady is never late, everyone is simply early." I said back, paraphrasing something I saw on a 20/20 special.
"Well, a lady isn't exactly what they are expecting.

Rumi Antoinette

Women Humor Quotes #157663
#19. After 25 the only thing you'll be precocious at is death.

Patricia L. Steffy

Women Humor Quotes #157265
#20. Morganith snorted and didn't lower her weapon. "One girl can cause alotta trouble, Hari. You and I are proofa that.

Ash Gray

Women Humor Quotes #151462
#21. Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

Neil Gaiman

Women Humor Quotes #151351
#22. She looked like a character from a video game. One of those improbably busty, impossibly well-armed superchicks who could do acrobatics and hit the kill zone even while firing guns from both hands during a cartwheel.
"You look fucking ridiculous," she told herself.

Jonathan Maberry

Women Humor Quotes #148157
#23. There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

George Carlin

Women Humor Quotes #147436
#24. Why had Althea's crazed words affected Etta like this? Then the answer came to him: she was pregnant. Women always behaved strangely when they were pregnant.

Robin Hobb

Women Humor Quotes #142881
#25. But I have known many women
many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics.

Christopher Moore

Women Humor Quotes #142525
#26. A women can run, hide, play and have fun but she will shine far better when she just smiles without none.

Santosh Kalwar

Women Humor Quotes #254603
#27. The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

George Bernard Shaw

Women Humor Quotes #292602
#28. He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.

Sarah Scheele

Women Humor Quotes #290194
#29. Think think think until you blink

Ganeshsaidheeraj

Women Humor Quotes #289913
#30. A lady decidedly. Fast? perhaps. Original? undoubtedly. Worth knowing? rather.

George Egerton

Women Humor Quotes #288678
#31. I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends
men or women
with their clothes off.

Laura Lafargue

Women Humor Quotes #287382
#32. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I?

Patrick Rothfuss

Women Humor Quotes #286268
#33. A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.

Will Rogers

Women Humor Quotes #282281
#34. Never be afraid to be sexy!

Alysha Speer

Women Humor Quotes #282044
#35. Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

Dakota Dawn

Women Humor Quotes #275719
#36. You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy?

Jennifer Crusie

Women Humor Quotes #275204
#37. Amor es despertar a una mujer y que no se indigne.
(Love is when you wake up a woman and she is not mad at you.)

Ramon Gomez De La Serna

Women Humor Quotes #272183
#38. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Jay Leno

Women Humor Quotes #263682
#39. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.

Art Hochberg

Women Humor Quotes #140776
#40. We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"

Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic".

Robin Swicord

Women Humor Quotes #254412
#41. You're a gambling man, right? Or do you only bet on frivolous things like poker and fucking women?

Amy Andrews

Women Humor Quotes #253494
#42. It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.

Solange Nicole

Women Humor Quotes #252888
#43. The three women laughing over there? Dark wavy hair, coffee skin, and beautiful matching sets of big, lovely - "
I slapped him on the arm.
"Hey. Eyes. I was going to say eyes. What were you thinking?

Devon Monk

Women Humor Quotes #251086
#44. Hope turned sly. "What if the slice of apple pie is served a la mode?"

Smiling, Peggy Sue regarded her tall, brunette, and blue-eyed friend. "Is the slice of apple pie served a la mode with three scoops of homemade vanilla ice cream piled on top of it?

Lyn Key

Women Humor Quotes #239740
#45. I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short.

Lisa Kleypas

Women Humor Quotes #223876
#46. I'm from southern Arelon, Princess," Ahan said, reaching for some more clams. "To us, round is beautiful. Not everyone wants their women to look like starving schoolboys.

Brandon Sanderson

Women Humor Quotes #215833
#47. From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured.

Samuel Richardson

Women Humor Quotes #213682
#48. Uh.. you'er Sophie?" Mrianda ventured
"That's me"
"How old areyou?"
Sophie rolled ker wide brown eyes,
"Ahunderd and forty-eight" she relied. "I got to live back when women coulden't vote, isn't that awesome?

Dianne Sylvan

Women Humor Quotes #212321
#49. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller

Women Humor Quotes #212251
#50. And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

Kristin Hannah

Women Humor Quotes #204617
#51. What's a feminist?" Julie asked.
"Someone who thinks women are fish," Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. "And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it does categorize us as creatures who exist solely for the purpose of being ridden.

Dianne Dixon

Women Humor Quotes #39286
#52. One pretty woman means fun at the dance. Two pretty women means trouble in the house. Three pretty women means run at the hills.

Robert Jordan

Women Humor Quotes #71161
#53. You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

Georgette Heyer

Women Humor Quotes #69399
#54. I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.

Ron Swanson

Women Humor Quotes #69035
#55. At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen.

Mark Twain

Women Humor Quotes #68842
#56. I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it.

Elizabeth Peters

Women Humor Quotes #68126
#57. I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents' prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .

Ali Shariati

Women Humor Quotes #58168
#58. Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Bill Cosby

Women Humor Quotes #56746
#59. [ ... ] and unfortunately most women did not seem to have the same urges. Or if they did, they wouldn't admit it. They probably didn't, anyway. But if they did they wouldn't admit it.

Helen DeWitt

Women Humor Quotes #56336
#60. Some people desire to be famous. I probably wouldn't be very good at it.

Sarah Warman

Women Humor Quotes #54665
#61. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?

D.H. Lawrence

Women Humor Quotes #51284
#62. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

Women Humor Quotes #45942
#63. How she looks is watered-down.
How she looks is disappearing.
How she looks is erased.
"Don't stress", she says. "This is just me not wearing any makeup.

Chuck Palahniuk

Women Humor Quotes #43618
#64. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.

Dermot Davis

Women Humor Quotes #71167
#65. Sweetly, albeit hoarsely and with a burr, the girl started singing something scarcely comprehensible, but, judging by the women's faces in the stalls, very seductive:
Guerlain, Chanel no 5, Mitsuko, Narcissus noir, evening dresses, cocktail dresses..

Mikhail Bulgakov

Women Humor Quotes #38042
#66. But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.

Loretta Chase

Women Humor Quotes #37358
#67. All women need get-out-of-jail girlfriends.

Kimberly J. Dalferes

Women Humor Quotes #36526
#68. I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.

Jim Butcher

Women Humor Quotes #34236
#69. Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Bo Burnham

Women Humor Quotes #30499
#70. OVERREACTING" sounds like "OVARYACTING" Coincidence? I think NOT!!

Tanya Masse

Women Humor Quotes #24524
#71. The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.

Terry Pratchett

Women Humor Quotes #18050
#72. If you're asking all this because of Wendell, forget it. Wendell has a few marbles missing when it comes to women. I like that expression very much, even though I disagree. If anything, Wendell has more marbles than he needs when it comes to women.

Francisco X Stork

Women Humor Quotes #16197
#73. Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch.

Melodie Ramone

Women Humor Quotes #13417
#74. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.

Bauvard

Women Humor Quotes #12525
#75. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.

Nora Ephron

Women Humor Quotes #5457
#76. Women don't have a sense of humor," Bertie said. "They don't need one. The Almighty made them as a permanent joke on men. From which one may logically deduce that the Almighty is a female.

Loretta Chase

Women Humor Quotes #107389
#77. There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere.

Maggie Casper

Women Humor Quotes #140456
#78. Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Women Humor Quotes #136124
#79. Love Is How You How You Dress

Maurys Gaucho

Women Humor Quotes #135616
#80. Women; the supreme masters of the bait and switch.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

Women Humor Quotes #128929
#81. Mistrust all men, and slay him whom thou mistrustest overmuch; and as for women, flee from them, for they are evil, and in the end will destroy thee.

H. Rider Haggard

Women Humor Quotes #125300
#82. I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.

Meghan Ciana Doidge

Women Humor Quotes #118935
#83. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'

Kim Fielding

Women Humor Quotes #118237
#84. Come to think of it, an Aes Sedai would probably follow a man off a cliff, too, if only to explain to him - in detail - all the things he was doing incorrectly in the way he went about killing himself.

Robert Jordan

Women Humor Quotes #116975
#85. Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the sexiest thing on earth.'

Helen Mirren

Women Humor Quotes #116947
#86. In the past quarter century, we exposed biases against other races and called it racism, and we exposed biases against women and called it sexism. Biases against men we call humor.

Warren Farrell

Women Humor Quotes #112677
#87. I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Craig Ferguson

Women Humor Quotes #109459
#88. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Henny Youngman

Women Humor Quotes #107714
#89. It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself?

Gregory Maguire

Women Humor Quotes #813
#90. In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.

Bea Arthur

Women Humor Quotes #104024
#91. Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen.

Megan Shepherd

Women Humor Quotes #103883
#92. Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.

Jim Butcher

Women Humor Quotes #93101
#93. Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it.

Kate Clinton

Women Humor Quotes #88889
#94. Martin: Yes, I'd like to go home and do some work. I'm writing a novel about women from the women's point of view.

Caryl Churchill

Women Humor Quotes #86769
#95. Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.

Mark Twain

Women Humor Quotes #84250
#96. It's a guy thing. We have reactions to women in tight leather with whips. It's sort of involuntary.

Rachel Caine

Women Humor Quotes #79130
#97. [ ... ] And those women with the camera looked loose.
Excellent, Phin thought. At last, some good news.

Jennifer Crusie

Women Humor Quotes #76468
#98. Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-

He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.

Jenny Trout

Women Humor Quotes #74609
#99. Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Adam Carolla

Women Humor Quotes #73536
#100. I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing.

Jim Butcher

Women Humor Quotes #72479

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