Top 100 Women Humor Quotes
#1. Women were tricky creatures under the best of circumstances. This was not the best of circumstances.
Genevieve Dewey
#2. A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case
Maurys Gaucho
#3. My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014)
Denise Baer
#4. You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on.
Lexi Blake
#5. Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them
Josh Stern
#6. Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.
Shannon L. Alder
#7. All right people, listen up! If you've got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no intention of fighting any women!
Hiromu Arakawa
#8. We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down.
Stacy Schiff
#9. Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.
It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
Oscar Wilde
#10. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.
Tina Fey
#11. Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist's little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.
Lisa Daily
#13. In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead.
Margaret Dilloway
#14. Women's potential to disrupt patriarchy and make men vulnerable is why it's so easy for women to make men feel foolish or emasculated through the mildest humor that focuses on maleness and hints at women's power to stop going along with the status quo.
Allan G. Johnson
#15. Women are angels, and when someone breaks your wings...We simply continue to fly...On a broomstick. We are flexible like that
Grace
#16. I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#17. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'
Kim Fielding
#18. Agent Smith, a lady is never late, everyone is simply early." I said back, paraphrasing something I saw on a 20/20 special.
"Well, a lady isn't exactly what they are expecting.
Rumi Antoinette
#20. Morganith snorted and didn't lower her weapon. "One girl can cause alotta trouble, Hari. You and I are proofa that.
Ash Gray
#21. Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
Neil Gaiman
#22. She looked like a character from a video game. One of those improbably busty, impossibly well-armed superchicks who could do acrobatics and hit the kill zone even while firing guns from both hands during a cartwheel.
"You look fucking ridiculous," she told herself.
Jonathan Maberry
#23. There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
George Carlin
#24. Why had Althea's crazed words affected Etta like this? Then the answer came to him: she was pregnant. Women always behaved strangely when they were pregnant.
Robin Hobb
#25. But I have known many women
many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by their natures lovely lunatics.
Christopher Moore
#26. A women can run, hide, play and have fun but she will shine far better when she just smiles without none.
Santosh Kalwar
#27. The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
George Bernard Shaw
#28. He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.
Sarah Scheele
#30. A lady decidedly. Fast? perhaps. Original? undoubtedly. Worth knowing? rather.
George Egerton
#31. I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends
men or women
with their clothes off.
Laura Lafargue
#32. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I?
Patrick Rothfuss
#33. A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.
Will Rogers
#35. Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.
Dakota Dawn
#36. You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy?
Jennifer Crusie
#37. Amor es despertar a una mujer y que no se indigne.
(Love is when you wake up a woman and she is not mad at you.)
Ramon Gomez De La Serna
#38. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Jay Leno
#39. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.
Art Hochberg
#40. We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"
Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic".
Robin Swicord
#41. You're a gambling man, right? Or do you only bet on frivolous things like poker and fucking women?
Amy Andrews
#42. It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.
Solange Nicole
#43. The three women laughing over there? Dark wavy hair, coffee skin, and beautiful matching sets of big, lovely - "
I slapped him on the arm.
"Hey. Eyes. I was going to say eyes. What were you thinking?
Devon Monk
#44. Hope turned sly. "What if the slice of apple pie is served a la mode?"
Smiling, Peggy Sue regarded her tall, brunette, and blue-eyed friend. "Is the slice of apple pie served a la mode with three scoops of homemade vanilla ice cream piled on top of it?
Lyn Key
#45. I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short.
Lisa Kleypas
#46. I'm from southern Arelon, Princess," Ahan said, reaching for some more clams. "To us, round is beautiful. Not everyone wants their women to look like starving schoolboys.
Brandon Sanderson
#47. From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured.
Samuel Richardson
#48. Uh.. you'er Sophie?" Mrianda ventured
"That's me"
"How old areyou?"
Sophie rolled ker wide brown eyes,
"Ahunderd and forty-eight" she relied. "I got to live back when women coulden't vote, isn't that awesome?
Dianne Sylvan
#49. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#50. And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
Kristin Hannah
#51. What's a feminist?" Julie asked.
"Someone who thinks women are fish," Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. "And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it does categorize us as creatures who exist solely for the purpose of being ridden.
Dianne Dixon
#52. One pretty woman means fun at the dance. Two pretty women means trouble in the house. Three pretty women means run at the hills.
Robert Jordan
#53. You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
Georgette Heyer
#54. I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.
Ron Swanson
#55. At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen.
Mark Twain
#56. I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it.
Elizabeth Peters
#57. I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents' prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .
Ali Shariati
#58. Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby
#59. [ ... ] and unfortunately most women did not seem to have the same urges. Or if they did, they wouldn't admit it. They probably didn't, anyway. But if they did they wouldn't admit it.
Helen DeWitt
#60. Some people desire to be famous. I probably wouldn't be very good at it.
Sarah Warman
#61. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?
D.H. Lawrence
#62. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
#63. How she looks is watered-down.
How she looks is disappearing.
How she looks is erased.
"Don't stress", she says. "This is just me not wearing any makeup.
Chuck Palahniuk
#64. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
Dermot Davis
#65. Sweetly, albeit hoarsely and with a burr, the girl started singing something scarcely comprehensible, but, judging by the women's faces in the stalls, very seductive:
Guerlain, Chanel no 5, Mitsuko, Narcissus noir, evening dresses, cocktail dresses..
Mikhail Bulgakov
#66. But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.
Loretta Chase
#68. I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
Jim Butcher
#69. Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Bo Burnham
#70. OVERREACTING" sounds like "OVARYACTING" Coincidence? I think NOT!!
Tanya Masse
#71. The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe.
Terry Pratchett
#72. If you're asking all this because of Wendell, forget it. Wendell has a few marbles missing when it comes to women. I like that expression very much, even though I disagree. If anything, Wendell has more marbles than he needs when it comes to women.
Francisco X Stork
#73. Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch.
Melodie Ramone
#74. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.
Bauvard
#75. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.
Nora Ephron
#76. Women don't have a sense of humor," Bertie said. "They don't need one. The Almighty made them as a permanent joke on men. From which one may logically deduce that the Almighty is a female.
Loretta Chase
#77. There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere.
Maggie Casper
#78. Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
#81. Mistrust all men, and slay him whom thou mistrustest overmuch; and as for women, flee from them, for they are evil, and in the end will destroy thee.
H. Rider Haggard
#82. I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.
Meghan Ciana Doidge
#83. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'
Kim Fielding
#84. Come to think of it, an Aes Sedai would probably follow a man off a cliff, too, if only to explain to him - in detail - all the things he was doing incorrectly in the way he went about killing himself.
Robert Jordan
#85. Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the sexiest thing on earth.'
Helen Mirren
#86. In the past quarter century, we exposed biases against other races and called it racism, and we exposed biases against women and called it sexism. Biases against men we call humor.
Warren Farrell
#87. I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
Craig Ferguson
#88. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Henny Youngman
#89. It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself?
Gregory Maguire
#90. In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.
Bea Arthur
#91. Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen.
Megan Shepherd
#92. Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.
Jim Butcher
#93. Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it.
Kate Clinton
#94. Martin: Yes, I'd like to go home and do some work. I'm writing a novel about women from the women's point of view.
Caryl Churchill
#95. Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.
Mark Twain
#96. It's a guy thing. We have reactions to women in tight leather with whips. It's sort of involuntary.
Rachel Caine
#97. [ ... ] And those women with the camera looked loose.
Excellent, Phin thought. At last, some good news.
Jennifer Crusie
#98. Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-
He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.
Jenny Trout
#99. Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Adam Carolla
#100. I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing.
Jim Butcher
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