Women S Humor Quotes

#1. Women's humor seems to be a little more supportive. It's just kind of trying to make the other one laugh through funny voices and kind of talking about other people. I respond to that. I feel less like I'm going to get beat up in a room full of women than I do in a room full of guys.

Paul Feig

#2. Whoever thought up the word 'mammogram'? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

Jan King

#3. The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

Jimmy Carr

#4. A wise woman has already a rite
Where she knows right from left.
She usually writes when she's right
And always leaves before she's left.

Ana Claudia Antunes

#5. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.

George Carlin

#6. It's about time people told the truth about beautiful women. They do not shimmer down staircases. They do not descend, as was once supposed, from on high, attached to nothing other than wings. Clara was from somewhere. She had roots.

Zadie Smith

#7. Confidence is at the root of so many attractive qualities, a sense of humor, a sense of style, a willingness to be who you are no matter what anyone else might think or say and it's true, I do have a certain fondness for women that have dark hair.

Wentworth Miller

#8. Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin

S.C. Stephens

#9. I mean, what good is a women's lib if we can't use it to ask guys to dances?

Cynthia Hand

#10. This building fool could only be Bess of Hardwicke, a woman whose name is seldom seen in print without the word "redoubtable" in front of it. I wondered if anyone ever called her redoubtable to her face. I redoubted it.

JoAnn Spears

#11. I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.

Jerry Falwell

#12. Who? Mr. Dalton has his hand firmly on Grace's elbow, as though she can't manoeuvre herself through the blockade of tables and chairs.
She could fly right through you, thinks Jack.

Helen Humphreys

#13. Ann Boleyn...a Renaissance Audrey Hepburn in a little black dress.

JoAnn Spears

#14. Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Jacob M. Appel

#15. Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that's saying a good deal.

Thomas Hardy

#16. Heroic," Crane told Baines contemptuously. "Old women, idiot children, bound men, you'll take on all comers. There's a three-legged stray dog hangs around the lanes here. Perhaps someday you could work up to kicking that.

K.J. Charles

#17. You spooks got a twisted sense of humor, you know that?" "Maybe," said Jones, getting to his feet. "But you know what we don't have?" "What's that?" Rex said, humoring him. "Women disrobing publicly without a shred of embarrassment," he said, nodding toward the front door.

David Welch

#18. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#19. She has great breasts," the Colonel said without looking up from the whale.
"DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN'S BODIES!" Alaska shouted.
Now he looked up. "Sorry. Perky breasts."
"That's not any better!

John Green

#20. I'm not a size zero, I'll never be a size zero, and the number of fucks I give about that is zero.

Lauren Gallagher

#21. What's wrong with you? I asked myself. You are a happy person. You are an upbeat sort of person. Men smile at you on the subway, women ask you what shampoo you use. Cheer up for Christ's sake, I told myself, relax, you're fine, be happy, Girl. When I talk to myself I call myself Girl.

Jennifer Belle

#22. Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf.

Andrew Davidson

#23. Working on newspapers, you're writing to a certain length, often very brief pieces; you tend to look for easy forms of humor - women can't drive, things like that. That's about the level of a lot of newspaper humor. It becomes a form of laziness.

Tom Wolfe

#24. Elsie, who had a lot of energy and no shame ... she seduced me. It was not a success, from Elsie's point of view, because the orgasm for women was just coming into general popularity then, and she didn't have one.

Robertson Davies

#25. She has all the right equipment to look sexy, pretty even. She just overdoes everything-like she's a coloring-book women who got scribbled on by a toddler,

Bonnie Shimko

#26. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

C. JoyBell C.

#27. Yes, she was a scandal.
Her brother simply didn't know it.
"I fell in the Serpentine today."
"Yes, well, that doesn't usually happen to women in London. But it's not so much of a scandal as it is a challenge.

Sarah MacLean

#28. Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women.

Zooey Deschanel

#29. I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting.

Adam Clayton Powell III

#30. New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress.

Bill Maher

#31. All women know that bridesmaid dresses are a secret plot if the devil.

Helena S. Paige

#32. I have no will of my own. Never did. Limp and lily-livered, I always obey - is it possible that's attractive to women?

Anton Chekhov

#33. Gruff," I said, "I find myself largely clueless about why mortal women do what they do. It will take a wiser man than me to understand what's in a fae woman's mind.

Jim Butcher

#34. There's something about Southern women that is so unique yet so universal. Strong southern women are allowed to be soft and feminine and have a sense of humor. But what I love about Southern women in particular is their universality.

Connie Britton

#35. It's a well-known fact. All women are clinically insane, but especially ballet dancers. Psycho. extremely psycho. Trust me.

Marisa De Los Santos

#36. Oh that's right, you never lie unless your mouth is open and words are coming out of it

Joshilyn Jackson

#37. Megan, you just single handedly set the women's movement back twenty years

Anie Michaels

#38. If asked for an opinion we'll say what we think. And by "what we think" I mean the answer that comes to our mind first, seems most logical and requires the least amount of effort to articulate, while getting us in the least amount of trouble. Really that's what our communication boils down to.

Aaron Blaylock

#39. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.

George W. Bush

#40. Ida was a natural historian who knew how to throw in enough fiction to keep up dramtic tension. And she was replete with details, like a big fat colorful nineteenth-century historical novel, inching forward slowly ... Ida's narrative line, like her waistline, was ample.

Marissa Piesman

#41. Last month she'd read that a man's connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female's went perpendicular - which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn't. And doesn't that totally prove that God is male?

Cherise Sinclair

#42. It might be that the biggest division in the world isn't men and women but folks who like cats and folks who like dogs - (L.T.'s Theory of Pets)

Stephen King

#43. She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

C.S. Lewis

#44. Women never bought Freud's idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic?

Natalie Angier

#45. The bedlamite little hats in which American women have tried to out-lunatic each other for the past four years prove conclusively we don't dress to please anyone. We're just docile sheep who accept what's given us.

Beatrice Fairfax

#46. There's a cover for every pot, but I've never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. - Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

Alisa Steinberg

#47. I listen to a lot of rap where men talk a certain way about women and I'm not offended. It's meant to be funny. I'm throwing it right back at them with humor, but some people can't take it. They're not used to women talking back.

Kesha

#48. Women were afraid of me, they were scared to death. But I always say be yourself, if you're funny then let your sense of humor go there. I mean there's no sense hiding what you feel.

Don Rickles

#49. At best, us ladies are just a bunch of Mirandas with a slightly better wardrobe and at worst, we're a bunch of Magdas, aka Miranda's housekeeper, which means we're a bunch of nosy bitches who rifle through people's belongings and let them know they masterbate too much.

Phoebe Robinson

#50. New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

Bill Maher

#51. Those that study particular sciences, and neglect philosophy, are like Penelope's wooers, that make love to the waiting women.

Aristippus

#52. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'

Kim Fielding

#53. It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.

Solange Nicole

#54. Uh.. you'er Sophie?" Mrianda ventured
"That's me"
"How old areyou?"
Sophie rolled ker wide brown eyes,
"Ahunderd and forty-eight" she relied. "I got to live back when women coulden't vote, isn't that awesome?

Dianne Sylvan

#55. Women's potential to disrupt patriarchy and make men vulnerable is why it's so easy for women to make men feel foolish or emasculated through the mildest humor that focuses on maleness and hints at women's power to stop going along with the status quo.

Allan G. Johnson

#56. My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014)

Denise Baer

#57. We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down.

Stacy Schiff

#58. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

Tina Fey

#59. Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist's little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

Lisa Daily

#60. I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.

Laurell K. Hamilton

#61. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'

Kim Fielding

#62. After 25 the only thing you'll be precocious at is death.

Patricia L. Steffy

#63. Why had Althea's crazed words affected Etta like this? Then the answer came to him: she was pregnant. Women always behaved strangely when they were pregnant.

Robin Hobb

#64. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.

Art Hochberg

#65. We need a full coven...nine women...twelve's better. Do you have any friends?"

Characters, Aunt Jett and Aunt Frances to character, Sally Owens, from the movie "Practical Magic".

Robin Swicord

#66. Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the sexiest thing on earth.'

Helen Mirren

#67. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Henny Youngman

#68. In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.

Bea Arthur

#69. Martin: Yes, I'd like to go home and do some work. I'm writing a novel about women from the women's point of view.

Caryl Churchill

#70. It's a guy thing. We have reactions to women in tight leather with whips. It's sort of involuntary.

Rachel Caine

#71. I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing.

Jim Butcher

#72. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?

D.H. Lawrence

#73. What's a feminist?" Julie asked.
"Someone who thinks women are fish," Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. "And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it does categorize us as creatures who exist solely for the purpose of being ridden.

Dianne Dixon

#74. Sweetly, albeit hoarsely and with a burr, the girl started singing something scarcely comprehensible, but, judging by the women's faces in the stalls, very seductive:
Guerlain, Chanel no 5, Mitsuko, Narcissus noir, evening dresses, cocktail dresses..

Mikhail Bulgakov

#75. But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.

Loretta Chase

#76. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.

Nora Ephron

#77. Why is it women can never let a man have any fun, they just want to fuss about something." "They're practical" Austin said, shaking off some of the water droplets from his hair. "We live in the moment and they think about what's coming. If they didn't keep us in check, we'd fuck up the planet".

Dannika Dark

#78. Women exist to put right all the wrongs men do and to keep them from making a complete pig's ear of the world.

Jayne Fresina

#79. Americans like what is easy, and it's easy to like pregnant women - they're like ducklings or bunnies or dogs. Still, it baffles me that these self-righteous, self-enthralled waddlers get such special treatment. As if it's so hard to spread your legs and let a man ejaculate between them.

Gillian Flynn

#80. Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet.

Terry Pratchett

#81. I like subversive humor, freckles, women's knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street.

Rene Magritte

#82. I also noticed that humor was even more of a survival tactic here than in most women's groups. As one asked: What did Columbus call primitive? Answer: Equal women.

Gloria Steinem

#83. Nah." His arms tightened around her. "I think the Bible got it backwards. I think God made women first. Then he made man, because he thought, 'Someone's gotta see this!

Selena Kitt

#84. That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Bill Engvall

#85. This predilection of bright women to twist themselves into bizarre submissive postures from which only humor can release them is something die-hard feminists will never address. But Iris and I were in agreement: there is nothing that warms a smart girl's heart like the smile on the face of a sadist.

Emily Prager

#86. There is nothing, he tells me, more odious than a German. However, their women are seductive, and they make the world's most beautiful music. My employer sings me a German song. He sounds like a buffalo in distress. Afterward he makes me read to him from the Bible.

Sofia Samatar

#87. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Rita Rudner

#88. When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.
From The Wife Drought

Annabel Crabb

#89. This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.

Ben Aaronovitch

#90. Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse.

Jane Jenkins Herlong

#91. If I believed in a god, it would be the god of women's asses.

Shay Savage

#92. First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show.

Elisabeth Dale

#93. Isabel frowned. "Alma Trumbo, you did not just dig up a human bone from our flowerbed. It's got to be a dinosaur bone, dinky or not."
"A dinosaur bone, eh?" The short, stout Alma gave her tall, slim sister the old up and down. "What then, are we the Flintstones living in Bedrock?

Ed Lynskey

#94. Quote taken from Chapter 1:
I know what." Isabel reached under the end table, took out the game board, and rattled the Band-Aid box containing the letter tiles. "It's been a week-and-a-half since our last Scrabble game.

Ed Lynskey

#95. It's funny what they say about men in uniform - how people think women just can't resist 'em. Fact is, I think we're just pleased to see a man groomed, bathed, and wearing clothes that fit him.

Cherie Priest

#96. I'm drawn to the unconventional because I've been drawn unconventionally. I believe that I'm supposed to topple over these false images of what's idealistically beautiful. Because, of course, these intangible qualities are very attractive to women. Sincerity. Sense of humor. Success.

CeeLo Green

#97. Just because a woman is good at something doesn't necessarily mean it's what she should do in life. If that were the case most of the women in the Belle family would be hookers.

Paula Wall

#98. I wish the trees would go into leaf that I might find out what they are. In their present undress I cannot recognise them. It's true that I doubt if I should know my best friends
men or women
with their clothes off.

Laura Lafargue

#99. You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy?

Jennifer Crusie

#100. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Jay Leno