I See You Funny Quotes

#1. If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

Craig Ferguson

#2. The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I've opened it up. And I don't just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in 'Bridesmaids', it changed how people see funny women.

Melissa McCarthy

#3. I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

Jim Gaffigan

#4. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Rodney Dangerfield

#5. You know how much I want a Vespa. I'm Vespa Desperate. It's a medical syndrome, you know. I see Vespas and I want to chase them down the street like a rabid terrier.

Elle Casey

#6. I think religion is a funny thing because, when you see somebody who can really break it down, sometimes it feels foolish what you believe.

Kevin Costner

#7. Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart all warm and fuzzy, when you say I love you makes my body weak.

Alice Gardner

#8. Jack the Hellhound: "Make sure you get a booth in the back so they don't see you in assassin-gear and more importantly, to keep the handsome dog hidden."
Robert Knight: "Where's the handsome dog? All I see is an ugly mutt!"
Jack the Hellhound: "You're so funny I'm busting a gut.

Ben Garvey

#9. This isn't funny. She was almost killed.'
'I'm aware. You're waiting to see if I will get angry.'
'I already know you're angry. You're sitting very still and you're talking very quietly. You're getting ready to kill someone.'
'I just need a name.

Derek Landy

#10. Welcome to apartment life," Cash breathed.
"I sure know how to make a great first impression," I muttered, following Cash as he laughed. I didn't see what was so funny. I'd been yearning for that kiss for months.
"No welcome cookies for you then.

Shaye Evans

#11. I do think there are some actors that can get away with trying to be funny, and they're still funny because they're just likeable, and you want to see them. Me, though, when you see me trying to be funny, it's like the worst thing in the world. It's needy, it's cloying, it's manipulative - it's bad.

Constance Wu

#12. The worst of being a Communist is the parties you may go to are - well - awfully funny and touching but not very gay ... I don't see the point of sad parties, do you? And Left-wing people are always sad because they mind dreadfully about their causes, and the causes are always going so badly.

Nancy Mitford

#13. It's not surprising that you wouldn't see that side of me on television, but in real life I find the world to be quite a funny place.

Gwen Ifill

#14. You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain.

Terry Bradshaw

#15. Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out.

Lisa Kudrow

#16. When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Ilona Andrews

#17. Now as through this world I ramble, I see lots of funny men, Some rob you with a six gun, And some with a fountain pen.

Woody Guthrie

#18. Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed
you can see her potential as clearly as I can. Frightened of someone stealing your thunder, perhaps?

Jasper Fforde

#19. Let me tell you something. I'm a funny girl, and I gave birth to what? Funny. I can't help it. It just is what it is, and my kids have been around my antics so long, it kind of rubs off a little bit. So when it comes to what you see, you only see what is really manifesting in our lives at the time.

Niecy Nash

#20. Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

Jim Gaffigan

#21. One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

Mitch Hedberg

#22. I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.

Georgia Saratsioti

#23. The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.

Chris Rock

#24. I tucked the feather into my bra, then glanced up at the sudden heavy silence. "What?"
Blake grinned. "What else you got in there? Can I see?"
"Shut up, Blake!" said the rest of the boys.

A&E Kirk

#25. My town's quite small and you kinda recognize everyone when you see them, so I definitely get funny looks from people.

Birdy

#26. I think it's harder to go from comedy to drama than from drama to comedy. Seeing you dramatic all the time, they crave to see you being silly or funny. But, seeing you in comedy all the time, it's hard to see that person go be serious, for some reason.

Evan Peters

#27. I can walk... see."
I made my legs walk.
"What are you doing?"
"Vertical walkin'."
Alec laughed. "Pitch Perfect?"
"Amazin' film.

L.A. Casey

#28. Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

Jim Gaffigan

#29. I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Jim Gaffigan

#30. I can see none of you are smugglers; that's why it's so loud.

Eugene Ormandy

#31. A pause followed my greeting. Then "We're watching you " whispered the voice on the other end.
"Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? "
Silence. Then dial tone.
These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

Josh Lanyon

#32. No more Dane," he eventually said with unnerving finality.
I tried to be funny. "I can't decide if that means you don't want me to see him again or if you're planning to kill him."
"It means if the first thing happens, the second thing is likely to follow.

Lisa Kleypas

#33. It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Johnny Depp

#34. We had always known that ours is a small country and that America is very big. But even as a seven-year-old, I was surprised that so many Americans has never noticed us on the map. Perhaps it's like driving a Yugo and realizing that the eighteen-wheeler can's see you.

Firoozeh Dumas

#35. Hello, Mrs. Tran ... I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

Nenia Campbell

#36. I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Stephen King

#37. You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

Cuthbert Soup

#38. You see I've been taking these tests to tell when I'm ovulating and when I'm mostfertile. And well ... it's now."
"Oh, so you came up here for a fuck?"
Emma cringed. "Do you always have to be so crude?"
He chuckled. "I'm sorry. Would you prefer I call it an afternoon delight?" he teased.

Katie Ashley

#39. As I get older, I'm slowing down and, yes, calming down in my desire to be taken seriously. That I can be entertaining and funny and high nervous energy can work against me as a serious composer, slowly but surely you'll see me be quieter just so that people will listen.

Marvin Hamlisch

#40. I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley."
"Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!"
"I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad," was Darcy's reply.

Marsha Altman

#41. I see that even as the world plunges into darkness and peril, you two stand around discussing your love lives. Teenagers.

Cassandra Clare

#42. Did you see that dress?" "I saw the dress." "Did you like it?" He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?" When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school." I smiled and fell asleep.

Richelle Mead

#43. My demeanor isn't that of a woman enraged. To see me slumped, glassy-eyed, holding a sandwich someone has cut for me into four "manageable" pieces, a person might tell you I look much more like a woman subdued.

Koren Zailckas

#44. I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Rodney Dangerfield

#45. Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

Russell Howard

#46. Listen - life is really going on, right now, around us. Do you see it? Sometimes I lose it but if I sit still and listen, it comes back, and then I think, How funny, this is what being alive is.

Robin Morgan

#47. Just rolled out of bed."
"I can see that." His eyes swept over me. "You should roll around in your bed more often.

Veronica Blade

#48. You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

Steve Martin

#49. Now you're listening to Swedish ?" I asked her. "He thinks I'm the Compass because every time I see ticktocks, I happen to be there!

Joel N. Ross

#50. You can never look that tough in glasses ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Jim Gaffigan

#51. You can film me 24 hours a day and you'll get a very accurate picture of who I am. You see the funny side, I work hard, and I try to be honest and just call it how it is.

Lisa Vanderpump

#52. Didn't expect to see you here," Jordan said.
My eyes cut to Rachel, and I smiled sweetly. "Obviously. Hey, Rachel. Good to see you again."
Hopefully, Jordan would know what I really meant, which was I'd cut a bitch if I could.

S.E. Harmon

#53. June laughs. "I have to say, you look better than most people I see. I've heard a lot about you."
"I hear about you a lot too," Eden replies in a rush, "mostly from Daniel. He thinks you're really hot.

Marie Lu

#54. You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

Terry Pratchett

#55. I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Laurell K. Hamilton

#56. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Henny Youngman

#57. If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

Charles Dickens

#58. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Henny Youngman

#59. The light is a funny thing, Grant. We think it shows us what we need to see, but in reality, it blinds us. That's why I brought you here. I wanted you to see me.

Adrienne Wilder

#60. We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

Elayne Boosler

#61. I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy.

George Takei

#62. You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

#63. I try to make a film that's very entertaining, very funny, but also gives you something to think about. And the strongest thing I have to offer is my point of view, to get across how I see the world in hopes that it can change the way other people see the world, hopefully for the better.

Terry Zwigoff

#64. I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Daniel Tosh

#65. But Jackal gave a low, humorless chuckle. 'Oh you bastard.' He smiled, shaking his head and staring up at the barn. 'That's cute. Let's see if you're as funny when I'm beating you to death with your own arm.

Julie Kagawa

#66. You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing airports and I think, Aww. They've just been told.

Carrie Fisher

#67. I swallowed my own smile. I shouldn't be thinking this was fun at all; it was serious business. But I couldn't help it, if you couldn't look at the world when it fell apart around you and see the funny shit, you would end up hating everyone and everything.

Shannon Mayer

#68. Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

Denis Leary

#69. Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.

Stephen Baldwin

#70. 15 Step is about how if you have mental illness and try to dance you look very funny. Whenever you see me dancing on stage, I'm imitating the mentally ill.

Thom Yorke

#71. I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit booty?

John Layfield

#72. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

Mitch Hedberg

#73. She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is.

Margaret Watson

#74. Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.

G.K. Chesterton

#75. People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

Jim Gaffigan

#76. I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.

Mitch Hedberg

#77. You'll be back! If you're not, then I'll come and find you. Now, do as I say and go have some fun. I want those eyes to have light in them next time I see you." He turned me around, smacked my arse and sent me on my way.

Lesley Jones

#78. the funny thing about perception. I will never be able to experience the words the way you will, and you'll never see them the way I do.

Lily Paradis

#79. Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends."
"You're a twisted little man."
"Come on, Stretch, share with the class."
"No!" I laughed.
"Prude."
"Perv."
"Schoolmarm."
"Some other word that essentially means perv.

Molly Harper

#80. It's funny, you know, time does travel pretty quickly and I do have good friends, and the further away I go from them in location, it matters that I keep on the same line and the same groove that I had and preserve that groove with people who I see seldom.

Robert Plant

#81. I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.

Adam Sandler

#82. There are really cool or funny videos, or visually stunning photos, and that's fine, but none of them really give you more when you close that tab, you know? I try to find stuff that a little bit, in a tiny way changes how you see something about the world.

Maria Popova

#83. Do you sleep in a coffin?" Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.
"Of course not," he laughs loudly. "I sleep in a bed." A pause. "Would you like to see it?

L. H. Cosway

#84. Let me see if I have this quite correct", said Tessa after a pause. "Jessamine found youth the invitation in your hand, so you struck her over the head with a mirror and tied her to her bed?"
Sophie nodded.
"Good Lord,

Cassandra Clare

#85. As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Kristen Schaal

#86. I warned you," Herobrine growled, in a terrifying tone. "It was funny at first, but you took it too far. I'm not Dora The Explorer. Do you see a talking backpack? Swiper no swiping doesn't work in this world.

The Cowardly Helper

#87. I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".

Georgia Saratsioti

#88. An early editor characterized my books as 'romantic comedy for intelligent adults.' I think people see them as funny but kind. I don't set out to write either funny or kind, but it's a voice they like, quirky like me ... And you know, people like happy endings.

Elinor Lipman

#89. What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over.

Paul Feig

#90. It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Lewis Black

#91. When you knock people out, it's sometimes a very scary situation - but I always hoped that no one got seriously hurt. Now when I see them get knocked out, I laugh. When you finish the game, it's funny. And when I look at film of myself, I think, 'I wouldn't fight that guy.'

Marvin Hagler

#92. What do you see in him anyway?" "He doesn't leave the toilet seat up." I smiled bitterly

Jayde Scott

#93. If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.

Benson Bruno

#94. Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. I'm not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

Mark A. Cooper

#95. Look, why don't you go talk to Ron about all this?" Harry asked.
"Well, I would, but he's always asleep when I go and see him!" said Lavender fretfully.
"Is he?" said Harry, surprised, for he had found Ron perfectly alert every time he had been up to the hospital wing.

J.K. Rowling

#96. You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ... And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

Dylan Moran

#97. A comedy isn't about being funny," said Mrs. Baker.
"We talked about this before."
"A comedy is about character who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all. That's how I know."
"Suppose you can't see it?"
"That's the daring part," said Mrs. Baker.

Gary D. Schmidt

#98. You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Dave Attell

#99. I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine.

Megyn Kelly

#100. It's a funny thing because you look at the careers of other filmmakers, and you see them sort of slow down, and you realize, maybe this becomes harder to do as you get older. That's sort of a cautionary thing. I hope it doesn't happen to me.

Joel Coen