Top 100 Molly Harper Quotes

#1. I learned never to take him into a baby store. Ever. He snickered every time he heard the word 'nipple.'" "Well, that's what you get for dating a giant twelve-year-old," I told her, sitting on Jolene's left.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #20244
#2. See, you feel better now that you've hit something.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #54374
#3. Trivia monologue. You are so the man for me.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #68432
#4. But somehow, every time there's a natural disaster, news crews manage to track down one of these outdoorsy yahoos to interview about how the "twister came a-screamin' down the holler" and destroyed the snake farm his family had been running for generations.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #80961
#5. I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #105996
#6. The third thing that men do to get over a break-up. Drinking, not talking about your feelings, and then what?" I said, growing suspicious. "It's fighting, isn't it? You set this up.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #106145
#7. Besides, when I take you to bed, we're going to stay there for a long, long time. I don't want the sun to interrupt us, which it would in just a few hours." Did he say hours? Gabriel kissed my slack mouth and asked, "No response?" "Yay?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #111235
#8. If anything happened to you, I don't know what I would do." I lifted my head to eye him warily. "You're not going to do something weird with my dryer lint, are you?" "I never know what is going to come out of your mouth," he said, staring at me. "I enjoy that, in a morbid way.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #174621
#9. Jolene came bounding into my room at sunset, hopping up and down on the bed, bouncing me off onto the floor. I sat up and glared at her. "Andrea gave you espresso, didn't she?" "Nope!" she crowed. "But she showed me how to work the machine!" "Augh!

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #177458
#10. Oh, go sting the BumbleBee.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #180832
#11. Sophisticated and complicated and able to color-coordinate a room like you wouldn't believe. I craved him with a bone-deep lust I'd once reserved exclusively for Godiva truffles.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #190216
#12. Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?" "Because I've seen you staple your hand to a purchase order," Andrea told me.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #196626
#13. What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #201776
#14. After pacing, humming, yoga, and playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with the entire cast of Good Times, exhaustion finally got to me, and I managed to fall asleep.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #205193
#15. You've got sex hair ... or crazy cat lady hair. They're remarkably similar.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #247218
#16. Lace it with Ex-Lax. It will do her some good.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #249596
#17. When you encounter unpleasantness from the human population, try to keep in mind that you will be able to dance on their graves long after they're dead. It's a cheering thought. - from The Guide for the Newly Undead.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #273042
#18. Note to self: Try to stop reacting to surprises like a cartoon character.
Jane Jameson

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #275803
#19. A boot up the ass could be considered a 'nudge' right?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #289959
#20. Team Jacob: Because Vampires Shouldn't Sparkle

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #299430
#21. Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #327141
#22. It took me a second to figure out how to read Wade's neat handwriting backward, but I eventually read, I had sex in a death barn, and all I got was this temporary tattoo.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #342988
#23. I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #351810
#24. I'm still getting used to the idea that people out in the world are reading my books. Every time I get a 'fan letter,' I am thrilled. But when people tell me that they're from the south or western Kentucky, and they say, 'I know exactly what you mean!' That's awesome.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #372797
#25. Finn was an enigma wrapped in a riddle coated in misdirection. He was a burrito of dishonesty.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #376992
#26. Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends."
"You're a twisted little man."
"Come on, Stretch, share with the class."
"No!" I laughed.
"Prude."
"Perv."
"Schoolmarm."
"Some other word that essentially means perv.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #381169
#27. Don't say "intimate relations." "Happy Naked Fun Time?" Gabriel suggested. "Exactly." I nodded.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #382778
#28. And don't you ever do anything like that again! I am the one who ends up in the stupid life-threatening situations. You are the levelheaded, responsible one in this relationship. Got it? This is how this whole thing works. We have to stick to our designated roles, or there is chaos!

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #472782
#29. Even after having months to adjust, Iris was "displeased" about my employment, which was like saying PETA was displeased by the popularity of TripleMeat Whataburgers.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #477616
#30. Because you wandered away, during daylight hours. After I asked you not to." "Those pauses are unnecessary," I told him. "Not when dealing with your level of righteous indignation.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #491073
#31. I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #531736
#32. Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours," I said.
"I'm not even going to be able to attend the burial.
Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #541698
#33. There's an inverse relationship between my temper and my ability to control my accent. If you hear me say 'Fiddledeedee', run for the hills, because I'm getting ready to take out bystanders.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #575944
#34. Some people should not be allowed access to the Internet.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #606771
#35. And while the Council generally tolerates murder, it finds murder for hire distasteful.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #613670
#36. Besides if we went to jail I would sell you for cigarettes.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #646625
#37. I wondered what would be the most humiliating way possible to be turned into a vampire - a story that a vampire would be embarrassed to share with their vampire buddies over a nice glass of Type O.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #650390
#38. Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #656844
#39. Gabriel scowled at me. "And by OK, I'm sure you mean, 'Oh, my love, whatever will I do if you come to harm?' " he said dryly. "No, it's just that I'm so used to people coming after me, it's kind of a refreshing change of pace.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #709912
#40. We're allergic to to silver. Imagine sticking your hand in a hornets' nestand being forced to listen to the Wiggles while the little bastards repeatedly sting you

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #711034
#41. I don't care what tomorrow brings, as long as I have you.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #714875
#42. I tend to bake when I'm upset. Or bored ... or premenstrual ... or if it's Tuesday. I'll use any excuse.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #721348
#43. Why would anyone on the crew put on a red shirt? Honestly, it's like they're standing in front of their closet, and they're thinking, 'Yellow? Blue? Nah, today's a good day to die.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #739149
#44. Before you find yourself stranded in the woods with a cranky apex predator, ask yourself: Do I really want to go on a camping trip with a vampire? The answer is probably going to be no.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #757177
#45. There was also an alarming assortment of junk food, including ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, which I didn't even know existed. And now that I was aware of it, I was extremely disgruntled that I couldn't eat any of it.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #765572
#46. Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #799573
#47. Yourself into an information-overload-fueled frenzy, convinced that you could arrange the whole wedding yourself, and eventually killed one of your loved ones in a glue-gun-related mishap

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #808193
#48. We don't have problems", Gabriel insisted.
You killed someone!
I killed someone for you!
Well, pardon me if I don't think that's going to make it into the next collection of Halmark cards!" (p. 301).

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #830293
#49. Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #832277
#50. Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #852140
#51. I have ways of making extra money when I need it", he said, slightly offended. "When Gilbert needed money for graduate school, I sold a kidney on the black market for tuition."
We can grow those back?" I asked.
It wasn't my kidney.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #852239
#52. This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #854735
#53. This is the coolest thing I have ever seen." "Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy." Gabriel turned on them. "You two do realize this is a battle to the death, yes?" Neither seemed particularly embarrassed.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #858142
#54. I've never done this before. I didn't go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I'm not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people -

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #858279
#55. He was always 'checking in' to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #906239
#56. Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #912750
#57. Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count!

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #946693
#58. Danny was a matador. Other cast members included a chubby Italian chef, a mime, and, for some reason, a mummy. I found that offensive on behalf of living Egyptian people, but I also knew that Parker McHune's mother couldn't sew, so wrapping her son in Ace bandages was the best she could do.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #961778
#59. Go on, you've claimed your thirty pieces of silver, go do something crazy like put gas in that penis replacement you call transportation.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1009286
#60. Maybe we could put you in one of those plastic hamster balls for your protection.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1013872
#61. Please don't mix Marvel and DC references. You're better than that, he said, shaking his head disdainfully.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1014459
#62. To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1035708
#63. Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1036209
#64. If he does it again, you have my permission to break his legs and arms and make him believe he's a rodeo clown from Walla Walla," I promised. "We can make him call himself Slappy the Wonder Clown.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1065303
#65. How much to make her go to her room and stop talking to me?" Cal asked.
While I gaped at his rudeness, Gigi coughed a rather obvious "douchebag!" into her fist. I caught her eye and shook my head emphatically. Douche-coughing someone with superhearing was not a responsible choice.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1125129
#66. Nick: I'm not leaving you. I don't care what you try to do to push me away. I don't care what comes along. I'm here. If you think I'm going to back down now, you're crazy.
Maggie: So you're going to love me out of spite?
Nick: Yes.
Maggie: Ah, spite, the stuff of fairy tales.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1134062
#67. So, you purchased ancient Babylonian texts, which may or may not call forth Gozer the Destroyer, on eBay? Zeb asked.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1148119
#68. Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1152677
#69. Caleb? I knew it wasn't likely, what with the

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1190227
#70. Sometimes I marveled at how grown-up we'd all become, and then Dick would recite a sixteen-stanza penis-based epic poem, and I'd take it back.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1194952
#71. I let Eli blow so much smoke up my skirt I'm surprised I don't have ass cancer.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1246939
#72. Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1264088
#73. A woman puts on a new dress eyeliner lip gloss to please others. A woman paints her toes to please herself. And if there was one thing I was familiar with it was pleasing ... There's no way to finish that sentence without embarrassing myself.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1293952
#74. My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1309689
#75. She was the type of librarian who has "Reading is supposed to be educational, not fun" tattooed somewhere.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1313838
#76. I leaned my forehead against his. I will repay you in unspeakable physical favors if you can erase any trace of this party from my memory.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1316401
#77. Wal-mart started selling "Vampire Home Defense Kits", including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1318603
#78. Vampires have bright eyes glistening white teeth unnaturally smooth skin and a certain animal magnetism. If they aren't pretty they starve. It's sort of like life in Los Angeles.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1347614
#79. The first rule of caring for a stray vampire: Don't tell anyone you're taking care of a stray vampire. - The Care and Feeding of Stray Vampires

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1359331
#80. He stroked a hand across my shoulders. "You know, I've never seen this agressively intellectual side of you before. It's rather disturbing and yet somehow a little sexy."
Which is pretty much how we define our relationship", I said.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1375850
#81. You're pulling a Lassie on me, aren't you?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1389020
#82. The love of a good woman can save a man" I remember Gabriel saying. "Or it can drive him to fits of unspeakable madness.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1416417
#83. He's practically stalking me. He just won't let it go. He's just being ... he's being a jackass with a flaky jackass crust and a delicious jackass filling."
"So he's jackass pie?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1421767
#84. I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1458662
#85. What are you running from?"
That put a damper on the fluttering lashes. "Columbia House Music Club," I said, recovering my snarkiness quickly. "Oh, sure, they say they'll sell you six CDs for a penny, but they'll hunt you down like the hounds of hell if you miss the payments.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1466356
#86. When a naked man shows up on your doorstep with a bear trap clamped around his ankle, it's best just to do what he asks

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1478201
#87. Love? Love is for children and poor people...

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1483441
#88. I'm sorry I have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit." He grinned, his fangs glinting. "You don't have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. A tangerine, maybe, but I think you've got to work your way up to grapefruit.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1514013
#89. Look, over the years, my unique sense of humor and perverse grasp of honesty may have led to some hurt feelings and long-held grudges. But overall, I'm a pretty likable person.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1544844
#90. Let's see, the last guy I dated - is there a word for someone who's sexually attracted to Muppets? Andrea's elegant persona was destroyed as she laughed so hard martini shot out of her nose.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1615118
#91. You are the night."
"I am the night," I repeated.
"You are the night."
I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"
"Jane!"
"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1620987
#92. Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1658569
#93. It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I'd rather not go into it.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1695091
#94. Did they make Adam's apple porn? Was that a thing? Would I be scarred for life if I Googled it? And if I couldnt find any pictures, could I take my own?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1705115
#95. You can't just leave a Mississippi Mud Mountain half-eaten! We leave no cupcake behind!

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1757351
#96. They were barely children, really, more like hyper badgers in Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirts.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1767511
#97. Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.
"Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1848287
#98. That's all you have to do, Jane, just find your fit." "Or I can follow your lead and unleash a plague of locusts like this town has never seen," I said, rubbing my chin with an evil-genius glare.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1855392
#99. She was wearing her favorite UK T-shirt that read, I Bleed Blue.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1870022
#100. And challenging your neighborhood to a round of competitive outdoor decorating. Because you're not really celebrating the birth of Jesus unless your house can be spotted by passing aircraft.

Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quotes #1872540

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