I Believe Funny Sayings

#1. Have I come at a bad time?" she managed to say without guffawing. I believe I said something on the order of "argh," and compounded my embarrassment by trying to cover myself with the sweatpants I'd picked up off the floor.

Jeffrey Cohen

#2. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Woody Allen

#3. I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on.

Steve Martin

#4. Funny ... I still can't believe in God." "Does that matter now?" ... "He believes in you.

A.J. Cronin

#5. According to the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, fish have feelings too. Whenever my sons go fishing they always tell me, "Dad it doesn't hurt a fish to get hooked." Well I watch and I see and I believe it's painful for the fish.

Donald Trump

#6. Instead of hearing the message he was trying to impress upon me and the impressionable queer ears hanging on his every word, all I could think was, I can't believe he just told them all how old I am.
- Jason's reaction to Chad's speech

Ethan Day

#7. I make people laugh for a living. I believe I can say objectively that what I do I do as well as anybody. Just say I'm one of the best broken field runners that ever lived. For 35 years I was a cult hero, an underground funny.

Mel Brooks

#8. Then this," Grimm said, "is what I believe professional inquisitors refer to as a clue."
"In my considered judgment as an occasional inquisitor for the Spirearch," Benedict said, "I believe you may be correct.

Jim Butcher

#9. Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment.

Danielle Wood

#10. My favorite television show has changed throughout the years. I used to think 'Married ... With Children' was really funny. But now that I've gotten older, it's 'The Golden Girls,' believe it or not. That shows kills me.

Blake Shelton

#11. You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories, and we made the funny choice.

John Green

#12. You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school."
"Oh I believe it," I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker's combination and tried to get into it with an axe.
No one was really sure where she'd gotten it from.

Richelle Mead

#13. I may not beleive in God, but I believe in guilt and no one wants to dick around with eternity, even if it isn't there.

Jonathan Tropper

#14. Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time.

Julia Quinn

#15. Matilda shook her head. "Damn teens and hormones. At least you own up to it. Amber doesn't believe me when I tell her half the kids here are sexually active.""More than half," Decker said, smiling.
-dark summer

Lizzy Ford

#16. Sometimes I can't believe I'm going to be 60. I always say there's no point moaning about getting older, when there's nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, 'Really? Me?'

Twiggy

#17. And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

Chris Rock

#18. Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain ... details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss.

Jeaniene Frost

#19. I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.

George W. Bush

#20. I'm a very spiritual person, and I believe in God and all that kind of stuff. So my perfect type of guy would be spiritually grounded, extremely respectful and funny because I love to laugh.

Grace Gealey

#21. I find things funny that aren't self-aware. That don't know they're funny, and I think the same can hold true for drama. If you think you're in this tragedy and you play it for tragedy, there's a self-awareness there that I think takes you out of watching it and I believe it cuts both ways.

Steve Carell

#22. I do know you're nothing like him. But you're still ... still a lot. A lot to handle. I don't mean your junk, obviously, as we've not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can't believe I just talked about your junk.

Nicole Peeler

#23. If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another.

Marie Helvin

#24. Scully-'
'I screwed up.' Her hands again. 'Damnit, I screwed up.'
'Nope' [Mulder] said ... 'If I was dead, then you would have screwed up.' She saw the grin. 'Then I'd have to haunt you.'
'Mulder that's not funny.'
'But you don't believe in ghosts and goblins ...

Charles Grant

#25. I believe in a reasonable amount of "right to bear arms". But private citizens of the United States are not allowed to own nuclear weapons. I always wanted a nuclear weapon, if I could have gotten one. I'm every other kind of power, but I'm not a nuclear power.

Ted Turner

#26. But I believe that there are marriages where you can have your pool table and she can have her scrapbooking room or garden or whatever it is. But when everyone has what they want, it's not funny. There's no conflict.

Brad Garrett

#27. Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Dave Chappelle

#28. Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

Jack Paar

#29. I make big objects that are simple, bright and clear, kind of ironic but hopefully funny because I love the shapes, and I get inspiration from toys and books, and I believe in art for everyone.

Florentijn Hofman

#30. I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle.

Tom Perrotta

#31. No way!" I yelled, taking it from him.
"I can't believe I made a pink knife."
"It's so cute! I love it. Finally, a companion worthy of Tasey.

Kiersten White

#32. I found myself declaiming, full flower, for an hour on the "utmost importance and urgency" of Blogging, telling him in no uncertain terms that, especially in a high-end niche business, Blogging is "the premier way" to have "intimate conversations" with his Clients. Funny thing, I believe it!

Tom Peters

#33. I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for stupidity. - Weisshaupt

Dave Sim

#34. I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

Bauvard

#35. I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.

Tom Althouse

#36. I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose.

Ellen Hopkins

#37. When I say I love you and you don't believe me, you're being a jerk. Basically what you're saying is I only love conditionally. You think you're being self-deprecating and funny, but you're really saying I'm not a good enough person to love you if you have a few flaws. It gets old.

Donald Miller

#38. I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.

Stephen Colbert

#39. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Walt Whitman

#40. I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.

Ben Bailey

#41. Look here, cousin," Big Country's drawled in the background. "This here's a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain't gon' fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today.

Shay Rucker

#42. I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

Jackie Mason

#43. How am I supposed to believe you when you're obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag?

Madi Brown

#44. Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Kevin Hart

#45. I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

Jim Gaffigan

#46. Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

Jeanne Calment

#47. I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful.

James E. Faust

#48. I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Stephen Colbert

#49. Sometimes they laugh at things I don't think are funny, but I believe if they're laughing at me, it's a good show.

Mike Tyson

#50. I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

Woody Allen

#51. I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match.

Josh Holloway

#52. Feeling funny in my mind, Lord I believe I'm fixing to die Well, I don't mind dying But I hate to leave my children crying Well, I look over yonder to that burying ground Look over yonder to that burying ground Sure seems lonesome, Lord, when the sun goes down

Bob Dylan

#53. Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

J. B. Smoove

#54. My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Milton Jones

#55. I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.

Javier Bardem

#56. I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer.

Marcellin Berthelot

#57. I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.

Ethan Day

#58. When I started out in the late '80s, my act was pretty terrible, and for years, I kind of toiled in obscurity. I don't believe in a hierarchy in comedy; I feel that a person deserves respect the first time they get onstage, and after that, they just have to be funny and get more consistent.

Andy Kindler

#59. When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Emo Philips

#60. I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

Kristin Cashore

#61. I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.

Elizabeth Gilbert

#62. Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.

Jim Gaffigan

#63. Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane.

Jen Turano

#64. I think ultimately, when you believe somebody is going through a situation and it's either awkward or ridiculous, but you believe it, that can be funny.

Steve Carell

#65. I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.

Eva Gabor

#66. Some nice lady came over here with food for us all. She claimed to be your mother. I don't believe it
you're an asshole, and she's good people.

Amy Lane

#67. When I started, I wanted to be thought of as tortured and seductive, not funny, but humor tends to be a reflexive part of a person's sensibility. It's an almost impossible thing to teach anyone, which leads me to believe that it's intuitive.

Mark Leyner

#68. I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Laurell K. Hamilton

#69. Jesse, we can't do this."
"Sure we can, honey. It's the perfect night for it. You're a woman, I'm a
man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it's referred to as romance.

Christine Feehan

#70. God, Packard! Do you know how hard I worked at
it?" I twist up the napkin and whip it at him.
He deflects it. "There we go; I knew you could do it."
My mouth falls open. "Very funny."
He just laughs.
"I can't believe you!

Carolyn Crane

#71. It's so pretentious, but I believe that with comedy, if you have a good story, 90% of it is casting. Once you get the guys and gals in there, it's pretty easy to make a funny movie.

Matt Walsh

#72. I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this."
"That's not funny."
"You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you.

Jessica Park

#73. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..

Bill Engvall

#74. I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.

Barry Watson

#75. I can't believe he's making you wait till January for an appointment."
"I could threaten to bomb the school. That'd get me in quicker.

Jeannine Garsee

#76. In a funny way, acting, to me, is all make-believe, even if the film has unicorns in it or is a normal movie that can be set in real-life time. I'm still imagining that I'm a different character, so it's all, in a funny way, like fantasy.

Elle Fanning

#77. It's hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I bring him to his knees. I bring him to his knees, hard.

Skyla Madi

#78. Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

#79. I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them.

Trevor Noah

#80. I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Lewis Black

#81. I believe the term "blog" means more than an online journal. I believe a blog is a conversation. People go to blogs to read AND write, not just consume.

Michael Arrington

#82. I think religion is a funny thing because, when you see somebody who can really break it down, sometimes it feels foolish what you believe.

Kevin Costner

#83. I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

Woody Allen

#84. Fundamentals that you read about are typically useless as the market has already discounted the price, and I call them "funny-mentals". However, if you catch on early, before others believe, you might have valuable "surprise-a-mentals".

Ed Seykota

#85. I can't believe I've missed this sport. It's all about fingering holes and caressing balls.

K.A. Mitchell

#86. But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing
the giving of a tenth .

Ronald Reagan

#87. I firmly believe that if the whole material medica, as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be better for mankind-and all the worse for the fishes.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

#88. I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part!

Robert Knepper

#89. I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Kinky Friedman

#90. I don't care if I'm funny. I just want people to believe I'm that guy.

Jim Piddock

#91. The funny thing about being Catholic, and I was raised Catholic, is that you identify with the Church, just as part of your character. Nevermind what you believe, it's just who you are.

Alex Gibney

#92. I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Billy Connolly

#93. Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident.

Steven Moffat

#94. I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.

Cassandra Clare

#95. I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I'm big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day.

Matthew Lillard

#96. "I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down ... and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

Tina Fey

#97. I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

Criss Jami

#98. You're dropping the bow hand as you release," he called, although Halt certainly wasn't.
His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, "I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.

John Flanagan

#99. I don't believe in magic.

J.K. Rowling

#100. Who the hell do you think you are?" your darkest interior voices will demand. "It's funny you should ask," you can reply. "I'll tell you who I am: I am a child of God, just like anyone else. I am a constituent of this universe. I have invisible spirit benefactors who believe in me, and who labor

Elizabeth Gilbert