Milton Jones Quotes

#1. I've got a bit of Scottish Blood ... On my kitchen knife!!

Milton Jones

#2. My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education ... because they were both druids.

Milton Jones

#3. The school had a big problem with drugs ... especially Class A.

Milton Jones

#4. My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Milton Jones

#5. When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

Milton Jones

#6. The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Milton Jones

#7. Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

Milton Jones

#8. It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

Milton Jones

#9. Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so ... retired mermaids.

Milton Jones

#10. I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

Milton Jones

#11. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Milton Jones

#12. I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

Milton Jones

#13. A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

Milton Jones

#14. I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Milton Jones

#15. The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Milton Jones

#16. As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Milton Jones

#17. Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

Milton Jones

#18. I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

Milton Jones

#19. Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Milton Jones

#20. When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

Milton Jones

#21. I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number ... She looked great going down the stairs.

Milton Jones

#22. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

Milton Jones

#23. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Milton Jones

#24. Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

Milton Jones

#25. If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Milton Jones