Top 48 Believe It Or Not Funny Quotes
#1. Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.
J. B. Smoove
#2. When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
#3. When I started out in the late '80s, my act was pretty terrible, and for years, I kind of toiled in obscurity. I don't believe in a hierarchy in comedy; I feel that a person deserves respect the first time they get onstage, and after that, they just have to be funny and get more consistent.
Andy Kindler
#4. Funny how ready people are to believe that counseling, which even when voluntary takes years to modify garden-variety neuroses, can work wonders in months with resistant patients who hate each other.
Katha Pollitt
#5. I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.
Ethan Day
#6. You have to really believe not only in yourself; you have to believe that the world is actually worth your sacrifices.
Zaha Hadid
#7. I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer.
Marcellin Berthelot
#8. Posting dramatic charts or funny pictures is good and giving people smart reasons to believe what they already think is great.
Derek Thompson
#9. I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.
Javier Bardem
#10. My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Milton Jones
#12. Hope is a funny thing when you think about it. It's something you always have. You just have to believe you do.
Laura Miller
#13. I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.
Kristin Cashore
#14. Feeling funny in my mind, Lord I believe I'm fixing to die Well, I don't mind dying But I hate to leave my children crying Well, I look over yonder to that burying ground Look over yonder to that burying ground Sure seems lonesome, Lord, when the sun goes down
Bob Dylan
#15. I think ultimately, when you believe somebody is going through a situation and it's either awkward or ridiculous, but you believe it, that can be funny.
Steve Carell
#16. It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#17. "I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down ... and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
Tina Fey
#18. I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part!
Robert Knepper
#19. The real funny thing is, whether the demons exist or not at all in your life, it's nothing to do whether you believe or not to one, none nor both of them.
Toba Beta
#20. My favorite television show has changed throughout the years. I used to think 'Married ... With Children' was really funny. But now that I've gotten older, it's 'The Golden Girls,' believe it or not. That shows kills me.
Blake Shelton
#21. Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do.
Kevin Hart
#22. Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
#23. But I believe that there are marriages where you can have your pool table and she can have her scrapbooking room or garden or whatever it is. But when everyone has what they want, it's not funny. There's no conflict.
Brad Garrett
#24. I grew tired of religion some time not long after birth. I believe in people, I believe in humans, I believe in a car, but I don't believe something I can't have absolutely no evidence of for millenniums. And it's funny, people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and they go to church ...
John Malkovich
#25. When I started, I wanted to be thought of as tortured and seductive, not funny, but humor tends to be a reflexive part of a person's sensibility. It's an almost impossible thing to teach anyone, which leads me to believe that it's intuitive.
Mark Leyner
#26. I can't believe he's making you wait till January for an appointment."
"I could threaten to bomb the school. That'd get me in quicker.
Jeannine Garsee
#27. I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.
Barry Watson
#28. I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..
Bill Engvall
#29. I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this."
"That's not funny."
"You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you.
Jessica Park
#30. We thought being offered the M.B.E. [Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft.
John Lennon
#31. And identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then of course you do not believe yourself.
Gertrude Stein
#32. It's so pretentious, but I believe that with comedy, if you have a good story, 90% of it is casting. Once you get the guys and gals in there, it's pretty easy to make a funny movie.
Matt Walsh
#33. But a funny thing happens when you tell a man that you don't want to get married: they don't believe you. They think you're lying to yourself or to them or you're trying to trick them in some way and you end up being made to feel worse for just telling the truth.
Jami Attenberg
#34. God, Packard! Do you know how hard I worked at
it?" I twist up the napkin and whip it at him.
He deflects it. "There we go; I knew you could do it."
My mouth falls open. "Very funny."
He just laughs.
"I can't believe you!
Carolyn Crane
#35. Jesse, we can't do this."
"Sure we can, honey. It's the perfect night for it. You're a woman, I'm a
man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it's referred to as romance.
Christine Feehan
#36. I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?
Laurell K. Hamilton
#37. I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Kinky Friedman
#38. If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence
and punishes those who do.
Peter Boghossian
#39. Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ...
Roberto Hogue
#40. Some nice lady came over here with food for us all. She claimed to be your mother. I don't believe it
you're an asshole, and she's good people.
Amy Lane
#41. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Mark Twain
#42. I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
Eva Gabor
#43. I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match.
Josh Holloway
#44. Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane.
Jen Turano
#45. Funny . . . humanity's great at the tiny patterns. We can find quarks in an atom and Jesus's face in a tortilla. But that big picture is so elusive, so overwhelming, people refuse to believe something as obvious as their life in Des Moines affects lives in Delhi.
P.J. Manney
#46. Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.
Jim Gaffigan
#47. It was funny, in her old age, to look back and see for how short a period her nest had NOT been empty. Relatively speaking, it was nothing - empty far longer than full. so much of herself had been invested in those children; who could believe how briefly they'd been with her.
Anne Tyler
#48. I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.
Elizabeth Gilbert
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