Funny Ex Quotes

#1. I know that look. What are you up to, Gwen?"
"What makes you think I'm up to something?"
The Valkyrie snorted. "You're breathing, aren't you?

Jennifer Estep

#2. At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

George Lopez

#3. He was up Shit Creek without a paddle, wasn't he? Funny--his ex had always said Quinn's sense of adventure would eventually get him killed. Maybe Quinn would've listened if there'd been something about "might get you kidnapped and fucked by a couple of werewolves in rural Ukraine.

K.A. Merikan

#4. Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

William Howard Taft

#5. I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine.

Grace Paley

#6. An "EX" is called an "ex" because it's an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in the future.

Unknown

#7. It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that's my method.

Edward Hopper

#8. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

Rodney Dangerfield

#9. The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

Calvin Trillin

#10. Billy Crystal knows how to make people laugh. He's got 30 years on stage ... there's no telling him what's funny.

Harold Ramis

#11. Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

#12. Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

Frank Zappa

#13. Boys do suck the brains out of smart girls.

K.A. Tucker

#14. I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

Steve Martin

#15. Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld; they are the funny trio.

Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

#16. I'm a cartoonist, it's what I am at heart, so cartoons take reality and deform it and make it grotesque, you make it funny, but you alter it. If it works, it's based on reality. That's what I try to do.

Terry Gilliam

#17. If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.

Peter Wisan

#18. The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy.

Bauvard

#19. A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.

Jennifer Lopez

#20. My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.

Brendon Urie

#21. The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend? William asked. The look on William's face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish

Tate Hallaway

#22. I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a "crazy ex" with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.

Alana Massey

#23. It was funny how all the useless knowledge you accumulated when you're in love with someone could sit for years gathering dust in the back of your mind, only to spill out at the slightest reminder.

Blakney Francis

#24. What did that stupid deserting crap-bag ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend with the most perfect stupid hair do? He DIDN'T delete his crap off the desktop before he fled my life and left me all alone. That's what he did.

James Patterson

#25. Don't look now, but that's my ex over there."
Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked.
"Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?

Gena Showalter

#26. My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.

Jo Brand

#27. Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.
-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Keiko Nobumoto

#28. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#29. If I were you, I'd go and do that. : Vikalp
That's why you're not me! : Yatharth.

Shubham Choudhary

#30. All I'm saying is I've never seen my ex and satan in the same room.

Unknown

#31. Teaching someone to be funny is like teaching someone to be fast. They're already fast. You're just making them faster.

Ali Farahnakian

#32. My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Rodney Dangerfield

#33. I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph.

Natalya Vorobyova

#34. I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

Dane Cook

#35. 'White Collar' is a show about the unlikely pairing of an FBI agent and an ex-con solving smart, glamorous, interesting and provocative crimes in a sometimes very funny way.

Tim DeKay

#36. It's kind of funny to read the work of ex-Marines and soldiers because what they said to me as a reporter was only a fraction of what they were thinking and feeling and saying to one another.

George Packer

#37. Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

Aristotle.

#38. It's been so many years since I actually had a date that I've forgotten how to act. You don't mention your ex when you've finished fucking your date; it's poor protocol

Scarlet Blackwell

#39. The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston.

Jerry Coleman

#40. Sarcasm isn't at all funny when it's the truth

Colleen Hoover

#41. The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Russell Howard

#42. I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

#43. The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.

Murray Walker

#44. I see young quarterbacks just coming into the league, and they're throwing screens and layoffs right away. As funny as this might sound, I really learned a lot by going downfield, even in tight coverage.

Peyton Manning

#45. Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.

Ingrid Michaelson

#46. It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.

Jackie Vernon

#47. I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill.

Ted Alexandro

#48. It's funny when I hear people complain - particularly about the most fabulous parts of being a designer, like when you're getting ready to work on a show. I don't even know that I'm tired. I could stay up for six days straight! No drugs, no coffee, no nothing. I'm just so excited.

Michael Kors

#49. Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding."
Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.

Tamora Pierce

#50. When I was a kid, there was no distinction between a movie about old people or young people. It was either funny or not. It was either entertaining or not. It was either exciting or not. It was either thrilling or not.

Joseph Bologna

#51. The older I get, the faster I was.

Charles Barkley

#52. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Will Rogers

#53. Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#54. He can't get broke so long as he is stuffed with money.

L. Frank Baum

#55. What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over.

Paul Feig

#56. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

#57. Funny, there had been a time when building things was what America did. From massive dams to towering skyscrapers, from mechanized factories to moon rockets, the nation had created, had viewed that as part of the national identity.

Marcus Sakey

#58. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Henny Youngman

#59. She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late.

Sophie Kinsella

#60. Growing up my mother used to tell me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Funny how I always wanted to be me.

Leona Keyoko Pink

#61. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Louis C.K.

#62. Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.

Wendy Wasserstein

#63. [Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.

Virginia Woolf

#64. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.

Kendall Ryan

#65. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Jon S. Lewis

#66. The Salton Sea is a huge dead lake south of Palm Springs. There's a town there that's the asshole of the armpit of the world. You'd fit right in.

Neal Shusterman

#67. And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.

Nigella Lawson

#68. The way you might fear a cow sitting down in the middle of the street during rush hour, that's how I fear Canadians.

Maria Semple

#69. You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy.

Cecily Von Ziegesar

#70. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is as boring as shit.

Chuck Klosterman

#71. As an actor myself, the opportunity to sing and dance and be dramatic and be funny - it's really irresistible to actors. You get to show all sides of your talent.

Elizabeth Banks

#72. I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys goes into his trailer, and then people move the stairs, and he comes out of his trailer, and there's no stairs. That's not funny! I don't want to be that guy!

Terry Crews

#73. You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.

Jeni Decker

#74. I've always said people say on a dramatic show, 'I was crying. It was so emotional when he went and grabbed that little girl from a burning building and handed her over to her mother.' In comedy, the best thing you can say is, 'I think it's funny.'

Bob Newhart

#75. All of the films I'm doing are young, urban, high-concept, funny films. That's the zone where I'd like to play and have fun in.

Vir Das

#76. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Tim Vine

#77. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.

Jon Stewart

#78. I grew up a really shy kid, but I always surrounded myself with a lot funny people. It depends on the day - if I feel like being quiet, I will be. I'm not a complete goofball, though.

Manny Montana