Top 100 Dane Cook Quotes
#1. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
Dane Cook
#2. I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.
Dane Cook
#3. I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
Dane Cook
#4. I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
Dane Cook
#5. No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst ... when you think you're drowning.
Dane Cook
#6. The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.
Dane Cook
#7. I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.
Dane Cook
#8. If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
Dane Cook
#9. When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
Dane Cook
#10. A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
Dane Cook
#11. I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
Dane Cook
#12. There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.
Dane Cook
#13. When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain
Dane Cook
#14. You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
Dane Cook
#15. Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
Dane Cook
#16. It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Dane Cook
#17. I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.
Dane Cook
#18. I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
Dane Cook
#19. If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
Dane Cook
#20. Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
Dane Cook
#21. When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
Dane Cook
#22. Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
Dane Cook
#23. Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
Dane Cook
#24. Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed!
Dane Cook
#25. My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
Dane Cook
#26. Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
Dane Cook
#27. Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
Dane Cook
#28. Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
Dane Cook
#29. Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.
Dane Cook
#30. We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
Dane Cook
#31. The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
Dane Cook
#32. If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
Dane Cook
#33. Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
Dane Cook
#34. You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
Dane Cook
#35. I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
Dane Cook
#36. Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
Dane Cook
#37. When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
Dane Cook
#38. Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
Dane Cook
#39. Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
Dane Cook
#40. I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
Dane Cook
#41. When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Dane Cook
#42. Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
Dane Cook
#43. I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
Dane Cook
#44. That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
Dane Cook
#45. When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
Dane Cook
#46. I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.
Dane Cook
#47. Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
Dane Cook
#48. I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
Dane Cook
#49. I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
Dane Cook
#50. If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
Dane Cook
#51. I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
Dane Cook
#52. Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
Dane Cook
#53. Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
Dane Cook
#54. Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
Dane Cook
#55. Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Dane Cook
#56. I would love to have acidy spit.
Dane Cook
#57. The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
Dane Cook
#58. I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
Dane Cook
#59. You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
Dane Cook
#60. I was not abandoned as a child. I left.
Dane Cook
#61. You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
Dane Cook
#62. If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
Dane Cook
#63. Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
Dane Cook
#64. I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
Dane Cook
#65. I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.
Dane Cook
#66. I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive
Dane Cook
#67. Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
Dane Cook
#68. It really drives me banana sangwich.
Dane Cook
#69. You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
Dane Cook
#71. I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
Dane Cook
#72. As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.
Dane Cook
#73. I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
Dane Cook
#74. Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
Dane Cook
#75. I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Dane Cook
#76. I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.
Dane Cook
#77. In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
Dane Cook
#78. I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
Dane Cook
#79. The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.
Dane Cook
#80. Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
Dane Cook
#81. I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
Dane Cook
#82. When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
Dane Cook
#83. Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Dane Cook
#84. On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.
Dane Cook
#85. When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
Dane Cook
#86. When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
Dane Cook
#87. Time machine ... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back ... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!
Dane Cook
#88. Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
Dane Cook
#89. I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
Dane Cook
#90. Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.
Dane Cook
#92. I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.
Dane Cook
#93. I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
Dane Cook
#94. I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
Dane Cook
#95. My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.
Dane Cook
#96. I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
Dane Cook
#97. They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
Dane Cook
#98. I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
Dane Cook
#99. I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.
Dane Cook
#100. We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
Dane Cook
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