Top 89 Funny Bed Sayings
#1. It's four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!?
Jeff Hirsch
#2. You ... you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it."
"I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."
And then he took me to the bed.
Richelle Mead
#3. He always smelled like warm wood and brandy, even when he hadn't had a drop of drink. Funny how he managed that. Funny how his smell was in her bed.
Henry's eyelids fluttered open.
Funny how he was in her bed.
Julia Quinn
#4. My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Chic Murray
#5. You're starting to look like you did before, and that's not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I'm growing breasts? - Kye
Krista Alasti
#6. Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!
Jim Carrey
#7. Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.
Marcello Mastroianni
#8. A snap of Rhys's fingers, and my nightclothes - and some flimsy underthings - appeared on the bed. "I couldn't decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from."
"Pig," I barked
Sarah J. Maas
#10. She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.
Richelle Mead
#11. Let me see if I have this quite correct", said Tessa after a pause. "Jessamine found youth the invitation in your hand, so you struck her over the head with a mirror and tied her to her bed?"
Sophie nodded.
"Good Lord,
Cassandra Clare
#13. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
#14. Do you sleep in a coffin?" Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.
"Of course not," he laughs loudly. "I sleep in a bed." A pause. "Would you like to see it?
L. H. Cosway
#15. Go to bed, Cammie," my aunt ordered, sounding exactly like my mother.
"No," I said, sounding exactly like my aunt.
Ally Carter
#16. I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed.
Brooke Nevin
#17. Lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.
Diane Messidoro
#18. Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh
#19. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
Daniel Tosh
#20. If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.
John Pinette
#21. Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.
Chris Owen
#22. When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Jim Gaffigan
#23. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer.
Charles M. Schulz
#24. What was that?" Taylor snapped, suddenly alert.
"Oh, sorry," Paige said, standing up and rubbing her eyes, "I fell off the bed."
Suddenly, I couldn't help it
I giggled.
"Oh, shut up, Tess," Taylor said at the same time as Paige snapped, "It's not funny!
Embee
#25. He thinks I'm beautiful and told me so. He thinks I'm funny because I make him laugh all the time. He's fantastic in bed and when I say that not once, not even once have we been together where he's not taken care of me and it's not unheard of he takes care of me twice in one go.
Kristen Ashley
#26. So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Tommy Cooper
#27. So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land
Richard Llewellyn
#28. I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
Frankie Boyle
#29. Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. Hey, Dark Princess? Here's your crap. Also, bite me.
Rachel Caine
#30. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
Steven Wright
#31. Just in case you get any ideas, know that I'll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other." - Katie
Jorlan's expression turned mocking. "Just in case you get any ideas, know that I'll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.
Gena Showalter
#32. Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?
Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock.
George R R Martin
#33. The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten.
Roman Payne
#35. I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Frank Carson
#36. Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite"
"Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago.
Kate Danley
#37. If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.
H. L. Hunt
#38. Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
Jim Gaffigan
#39. You won't tell?"
"I'll add it to the box under my bed labeled 'The Secret Confession of the Immortal Pia'. Good Lord, girl, don't look so mortified. There's not actually a box.
Jessica Khoury
#40. I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.
Jack Whitehall
#41. I want to give kids that fall-off-the-bed-laughing feeling. Either that, or the sixth-grade feeling that life is hard - sometimes unbearably hard - and it is ultimately about death. But in the meantime, life can be really funny, too.
Kate Klise
#42. I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Henny Youngman
#43. Just rolled out of bed."
"I can see that." His eyes swept over me. "You should roll around in your bed more often.
Veronica Blade
#44. We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry every night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.
Ronald Reagan
#45. We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
Bernard Manning
#46. me in bed - with a honeymoon present. Some of them were small, some were funny jokes, and some were extravagant, but every present came straight
James Patterson
#47. My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?
Bob Saget
#48. Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
#49. Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#50. Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars.
J.M. Barrie
#51. Well, you're a lucky man," Will said, as Nathan began to steer him out. "She certainly gives a good bed bath.
Jojo Moyes
#52. I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
Chic Murray
#53. I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater."
"It would would be easier if you just said porn," Scarlett said.
"No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me.
Maureen Johnson
#55. We wrapped ourselves in towels and went back in, eating sandwiches on the bed while Kaidan made fun of the pop love ballads on Marna's playlist. Funny how he knew the words to so many of them.
Wendy Higgins
#56. It doesn't seem fair," he murmured, once again smoothing out her messy bed head. "You get all the morning sickness, the kicks in the ribs and the bloated stomach and swollen ankles, and I get nine months of sex without condoms.
Linda Kage
#57. I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?'
'People who like things neat?'
'Its not natural.
Rachel Caine
#58. I tweet from bed. I love it because it's so quick. And it's funny. But it also leaves a lot of room for error because new people don't sense the sarcasm - there's no sarcasm font.
Christine Teigen
#59. Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.
J.K. Rowling
#60. It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed.
C.S. Lewis
#61. I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Chelsea Handler
#62. There's been a lot of coming home in the early mornings after funny nights out, having bizarre sandwiches in bed.
Neneh Cherry
#63. I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
Mitch Hedberg
#65. He's a little more ... psychotic than usual," Tom said quietly.
"How so?"
"He took C-4 to bed with him."
Prophet shrugged. "He's always done that.
S.E. Jakes
#66. When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so, you don't get demons our side of the river, the guards won't let them over London Bridge.
Hilary Mantel
#67. Look under your bed and you will know the greatest thief in your room.
ABC
#68. When I wake up I look like a madman, like something out of a horror movie! That's why I sleep alone. But the funny thing is that I'm very impeccable and clean before I go to bed. It's just like right before I'm going out.
Karl Lagerfeld
#69. Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
Rowan Atkinson
#70. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
#71. You'd be surprised." Charlie said.
"You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit."
"What the hell is Limp Bizkit?
Jodi Picoult
#73. I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."
Mitch Hedberg
#74. As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul ... '
Adam Ferrara
#75. Maybe he'd already gone to bed. Maybe Cath could just climb into his bed like Goldilocks, and if he woke up, she'd just say "later" and run away. Goldilocks meets Cinderella.
Rainbow Rowell
#76. It's funny how bed and pillows and covers can change a conversation. Words turn quiet and you mean more and say less. It's like you can build your own little world, Population: 2.
Robin Benway
#77. Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#78. For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.
Ray Romano
#79. I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
#80. While he sat there he decided he would buy a waterbed. He had always imagined owning a waterbed when he was successful, but now it struck him that getting the bed might invoke the man he wanted to become. You bought a waterbed and so became the sort of man who owned a waterbed.
Lisa Moore
#81. I must be alive," Gawain said hoarsely. "Dead doesn't hurt this much.
Gerald Morris
#82. 'You must've been waiting for someone like me to come along,' I said. I meant, because of the big bed. But Larry looked at me all funny and said, 'Yes, I think I was.'
J.L. Merrow
#84. Pie in a bed of raw onions. Human skull looking put-upon.
Howl
Diana Wynne Jones
#85. You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?" America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.
I turned over on the bed. "You are officially fired. You are a terrible conscious.
Jamie McGuire
#86. A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers.
Rosanna Pansino
#87. Well, you are a wolf, I don't think it's a good idea to start the habit of you sleeping in the bed, you know, with all the shedding and what-not.
Quinn Loftis
#88. You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.
Ethan Day
#89. I finally got up around noon, after having decided that, as far as monogamous relationships go, I could probably do worse than marrying my bed.
Robyn Schneider
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