Top 100 Eat Funny Quotes
#1. Methinks Sir Robert should have carried his Monarchical Power one step higher and satisfied the World, that Princes might eat their Subjects too.
John Locke
#2. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Rodney Dangerfield
#3. You're not from around here. You talk funny." "Alabama. Where bears don't eat people, it don't usually snow, and it's customary for the new guy getting told the tale to buy the drinks for the men doing the telling.
Larry Correia
#4. I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.
Marty Pollio
#5. I'll eat rabbit pellets before you get me into something pink with ruffles.
Deb Baker
#6. I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!? Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"
Denis Leary
#7. Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think ... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!
Zathyn Priest
#8. I can eat you at breakfast, not because I am a monster; it is only because you are too cute and yummy.
M.F. Moonzajer
#9. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Steven Wright
#10. Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.
Maria Bamford
#11. My kids are funny. They won't eat the heels on a loaf of bread. So I patiently explained to them that they eat rolls, and rolls are all crust, just like heels ... and now they won't eat rolls!
Dik Browne
#12. This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.
Dave Barry
#14. Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn't it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.
Sol Luckman
#15. I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia.
Russell Brand
#16. I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."
Chic Murray
#17. I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
Chic Murray
#18. Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#19. All you do is eat. You eat, then you start thinking about the next thing you're going to eat."
"Eating is the only thing that breaks the monotony," Scotty said.
Seth's eyebrows shot up. "This isn't monotony. This is the fucking dream."
"It will be," Scotty said. "When I have some yogurt.
Rainbow Rowell
#20. Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.
Ray Mancini
#21. Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy.
Niall Horan
#22. The funny thing is while the grown-ups in the family may indulge, we really try to offer our son Duke clean food, as all his meals are made with organic ingredients as the rest of us eat cookies straight out of the freezer.
Bill Rancic
#23. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
#24. I wished I had put more cherries on that slice. The whole jar of cherries. I could watch him eat a whole jar of cherries.
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what was happening to me?
Francesca Zappia
#25. I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
Greg Behrendt
#26. Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for dinner.
They too that as a firm no.
Morgan Rhodes
#27. Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
Dylan Moran
#28. You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
Dylan Moran
#29. Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness.
Hippocrates
#30. So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.
Nenia Campbell
#31. Fifteen birds in five firtrees,
their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze!
But, funny little birds, they had no wings!
O what shall we do with the funny little things?
Roast 'em alive, or stew them in a pot;
fry them, boil them and eat them hot?
J.R.R. Tolkien
#32. You're FAT - and don't try to sugarcoat it, because you'll just eat that, too.
Phillip C. McGraw
#33. What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.
A Filler Crisp," Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.
Obert Skye
#34. "Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"
Denis Leary
#35. I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
Bill Bailey
#36. You shut your door to these poor women," he said so they could hear him, "and you'll answer for it the rest of your lives. You won't sleep. You'll choke on drinks. The food you eat'll block up your bowels and you'll die of your own shit.
Glendon Swarthout
#37. Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.
Janet Evanovich
#38. Anna took his hand to gauge the swelling. 'Let's at least put something cold around it. Frozen peas work pretty well.'
'Do I have to eat them?'
'No, you just have to inject them into a vein,' Anna said.
Antonia Michaelis
#39. Giulia Melucci has written a wonderfully funny and moving book. It's like Eat, Pray, Love, with recipes.
A. J. Jacobs
#41. Bug spray." Mosquitoes never bother me, but apparently they eat Tucker alive if he forgets bug spray. So I wear it for solidarity. "All the kids wear
it," I explain to Mom. "They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.
Cynthia Hand
#42. You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.
"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!
Rachel Caine
#43. After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
Jim Gaffigan
#44. I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, "Are you going
to point, or are you going to eat?"
"I just like to know what I'm putting in my mouth before I swallow."
Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Michelle Hodkin
#45. This place is starting to feel like a home away from home," Rusty said, settling on the sofa. "We come here, we discuss evil sorcerers, we eat packets of peanuts. It's a soothing and familiar routine. Or it would be if people would just bring me some peanuts.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#47. The biggest lesson I've learned ... was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything.
Eddie Rickenbacker
#48. PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!
Stephen King
#49. Ialways think it's funny when Indians celebrate Thanksgiving. I mean, sure, the Indians and Pilgrims were best friends during the first Thanksgiving, but a few years later, the Pilgrims were shooting Indians.
So I'm never quite sure why we eat Turkey like everybody else. (101)
Sherman Alexie
#50. There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
#51. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
#52. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#53. Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!'
'And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want to put him in a crust and bake a light fluffy quiche!'
'QUICHE?! What kind of food is THAT for a monster to eat?!
Jeff Smith
#54. What a welcome sight. You know, it's funny how often people forget that presidents need to eat, too, President
Suzanne Collins
#55. Being pretty on the inside means you don't hit your brother and you eat all your peas - that's what my grandma taught me.
Lord Chesterfield
#56. I do not like onions. It's so funny because I am probably one of the least picky eaters ever. Pretty much any type of new food, I'll try it, I'll eat it. But onions, and pork. Pork and onions.
Stacie Orrico
#57. Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'
Marc Maron
#59. Of course 'we humans' have a funny relationship with the beings with whom we share our planet. We eat them, we care for them, we admire them, we use them.
April Gornik
#60. Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you'd sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?
Jayde Scott
#61. I love to eat lettuce for breakfast, they call me bunny.
Ryan Bracha
#62. I don't need a personal trainer ... I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I'm not supposed to!
Tanya Masse
#63. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'
Jerry Seinfeld
#64. The new French theme park based on Napoleon is named Napoleon's Bivouac, and will honor Napoleon with rides, battle reenactments, and the brutal March on Moscow ride. That's a walk-in freezer you stand in for 18 months while you try to eat a dead horse.
Peter Sagal
#65. I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
#66. It was time for the mirror pep talk.
"Okay, Maggie," I said to myself after my shower, wiping the steam off the medicine cabinet.
"You could eat these kids for breakfast. You won't, though, because that would be cannibalistic and
wrong.
Robin Benway
#67. It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.
E.L. James
#68. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#69. You know, it's a funny thing. You can smoke yourself to death, drink yourself to death, work yourself to death, and even eat yourself to death. But that's all acceptable. The only thing you can't do medically is screw yourself to death, and yet that's where they put all the obstacles.
Mario Puzo
#70. I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
#71. Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.
Sherman Alexie
#72. It was easier when all we wanted to do was eat them and take their stuff, he grumbled.
And it had been easier when he hadn't cared if he made any of them cry.
Anne Bishop
#73. I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.
Andrea Portes
#74. I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
Jimmy Carr
#75. That's not what he meant," Rachel says again, pink flushing her cheeks.
"Actually, I meant-" I start to say, but Willow cuts me off.
"What? It's true. He looks at you like he'd like to dip you in sugar and eat you up.
C.J. Redwine
#76. You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
Lauren Myracle
#77. No, it's funny, when I eat out it's not typically in the kind of restaurants people might imagine.
Thomas Keller
#78. It was harder to ignore the smell, meat just starting to turn. And gas. The dead were quiet, very quiet in a bad way, but the sounds of escaping gas were all over. [He] was surrounded by belching and farting corpses who wanted to eat him. It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking horrible.
Mason James Cole
#79. I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
Paris Hilton
#81. It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?"
"Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund.
C.S. Lewis
#82. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.
Adelle Davis
#83. It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.
Lady Victoria Hervey
#84. What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.
Kenny D. Eichenberg
#85. The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin."
A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once.
Kresley Cole
#86. Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
Jim Gaffigan
#87. We wouldn't eat an important person like you. Sometimes we'll take a sailor, but - " He shrugged. " - so would you if it was always fish.
Clive Barker
#89. We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
Karl Pilkington
#90. Sitting alone in the cafeteria would just scream I'm the new girl. Everyone stare at me while I eat.
Kristi Cook
#91. I still have goals. Seeing those doubters out there, it's gonna be funny seeing them eat their words.
Derrick Rose
#92. When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because Raid really doesn't taste that bad.
Janette Barber
#93. I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."
Jim Gaffigan
#94. Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert
Josh Stern
#95. Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.
Brandon Sanderson
#96. Every time I watch
Lady and the Tramp
I think
"SHE'S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!"
"QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL, NOW!!!"
"GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!
"OH, DON'T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!
THERE'S MEAT IN IT!"
"IDIOT!"
But then again
I'm not the romantic type.
Francesco Marciuliano
#97. One thing I've learned about vampires
they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#98. Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.
Todd Stocker
#99. Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.
-Dex to Sloane
Charlie Cochet
#100. To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
Dave Barry
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