Top 100 Dog Humor Quotes
#1. Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind.
Jonathan Carroll
#2. The sun, like a boil on the bright blue ass of day, rolled gradually forward and spread its legs wide to reveal the pubic thatch of night, a hairy darkness in which stars crawled like lice, and the moon crabbed slowly upward like an albino dog tick striving for the anal gulch.
Joe R. Lansdale
#3. If you never leave me, I won't eat your stuff. - Belle, Dog Only Knows
Terry Kaye
#4. Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away.
Michael Bible
#5. If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.
Alan Rogers
#6. JJ informed me, when he dropped them off, that they are French bulldogs, which has led med to reassess my opinion of the French. They may know a lot about making wine and fries, but they don't know jacques-merde about making dogs.
Melissa DeCarlo
#7. 6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.
Eugene Mirman
#8. I like the pooch. When I've had a dog's snout in my mouth, we tend to develop a special bond.
Randy Quarles
#9. When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Phoebe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life.
Annette Curtis Klause
#10. From CATS ARE KIND
I saw a dog pursuing automobiles;
On and on he sped.
I was puzzled by this;
I accosted the dog.
'If you catch one,' I said
'What will you do with it?'
'Dumb cat,' he cried,
And ran on.
Henry N. Beard
#11. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
#12. Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
Kevin Hearne
#13. I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said.
"California sucks this year."
Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.
Jodi Picoult
#14. I have a feeling we're mooning a mean junkyard dog, all brave and laughing - until the dog's leash breaks
Kevin J. Anderson
#15. As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.
Michelle M. Pillow
#16. Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone," I commented to Ryan.
"Or just one with a boner.
Stacey Marie Brown
#17. Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette
Josh Stern
#18. You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.
Libba Bray
#19. Holt did nothing of the sort. He wasn't the 'obeying' kind of dog.
Kellyn Roth
#20. The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.
And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.
Carol Petrie
#21. It's hard not to immediately fall in love witha dog who has a good sense of humor.
Kate DiCamillo
#22. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#23. Being a hero to someone, even if it is a dog, is a feeling like no other. Though it can be frustrating, it can be the most rewarding thing to give someone a second chance at a happy life.
Elizabeth Parker
#24. I used to have a big dog, a rottweiler, to guard the place. One night I was working late, and he was outside barking in the snow. He wouldn't stop. Then he stopped. I went out ten minutes later with a lamp, and there was a ring of wolves eating my dog.
Martin Cruz Smith
#25. My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Tommy Cooper
#26. He looked like he wanted to lean down and kiss me ... YES! ... Come on!!! ... A little more ... more ... just a little closer ...
What's your favorite dog? Gunner asked as he pulled back and stood away from the door.
Kelly Elliott
#27. Don't make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery'er than a huntin' dog that's tree'd it's squirrel.
Colleen Houck
#28. I'm convinced that petting a puppy is good luck.
Meg Donohue
#29. When a cat goes to the bathroom I look away in embarrassment; when a dog goes to the bathroom I look on with encouragement.
Gregor Collins
#30. I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.
G.K. Chesterton
#31. I'm just a dog person. I love dogs very much, especially big ones, hounds, and retrievers. I think they are funny and often have good senses of humor. Plus, they give unconditional love.
Arthur Bradford
#32. Keep treating me like a damn dog, Cush, and I'll bite you .. - Elora
Quinn Loftis
#33. The first commandment of dog behavior: Thou shalt not hump. Thou shalt especially not hump in public. Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor's wife, thy neighbor's leg, or thy neighbor's Jack Russell Terrier. - Belle, Dog Only Knows
Terry Kaye
#34. There's no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner.
John Grogan
#35. About as much business as a cat owner has selling dog food. Or an Olympic swimmer has advertising for downhill ski equipment. Or a nun writing hard core erotica.
Abso-fucking-none.
Laurel Ulen Curtis
#36. You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!
Harry Truman
#37. Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.
Lois Greiman
#38. My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not
Ellen DeGeneres
#39. If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal.
Enid Bagnold
#40. If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry.
"That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
George R R Martin
#41. The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.
Barbara Kingsolver
#42. My most insightful comments have been forgotten while letting a whining dog out the door.
Jael Turner
#43. Jamal stared at the dog in his arms. Why I am I holding a dog full of angels?
Diana Wynne Jones
#44. Werewolves? Oh please, just plain stupid. Who wants to get it on with a man ruled by his inner dog?
Karen Marie Moning
#45. By gad, is that you, Ainswood? I haven't seen you in a dog's age. How's the gout? Still troubling you?
Loretta Chase
#46. Gotten butt-ass, bone-dog naked for your vadge-cam?" Dante offered with an angelic smile, standing close.
"Fucking hell, D." Griff turned to Beth with an apology, but she spoke first.
"Huh-yeah. Thanks, cockbreath.
Damon Suede
#47. It's kind of interesting you're driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today," I said.
"And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility vehicle," said Jill.
"Greyhounds don't take up much room," I said. "They're like dog silhouettes.
Robin McKinley
#48. The activities of these parasites and degenerates gave rise to Cubism, Fauvism, Futurism, Pointillism, Constructivism, Orphism, Surrealism, Dada, and also Impossibleism, Supersurrealism, Dynamic Double-Dog Realism, Ishkabibbleism, and Mama, which is like Dada only nicer.
Daniel Pinkwater
#49. A dog is one of the few remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.
Jack Canfield
#50. My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Chic Murray
#51. Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'
'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.'
'The dog did nothing in the night-time.'
'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#52. Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
#53. For Golden it was hard not to think that there might be something wrong about a household in which the dog was wearing underwear and the children weren't.
Brady Udall
#54. Mrs. Chandler shouted after us, And I hope that was all-natural food coloring you put on my dog!
Lisa Lutz
#55. Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie
Janet Evanovich
#56. Meow says the cat ,quack says the duck , Bow wow wow says the dog !
Grrrr!
Charles Dickens
#58. maybe somebody finally shot the dog.
Dave Barry
#59. You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
Kresley Cole
#60. What's so funny?" Bella mumbled.
"I got food in her hair," I told her, chortling again.
"I'm not going to forget this, dog," Rosalie hissed.
"S'not so hard to erase a blond's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
Get some new jokes, "Rosalie snapped.
Stephenie Meyer
#61. Heroic," Crane told Baines contemptuously. "Old women, idiot children, bound men, you'll take on all comers. There's a three-legged stray dog hangs around the lanes here. Perhaps someday you could work up to kicking that.
K.J. Charles
#62. The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
Ambrose Bierce
#63. His thoughts-if you can use that word about a dog, particularly one as stupid as Bonaparte-were simply fixed, with absolute determination, upon the distant horizon, and he was not going to stop until he had reached it.
Jonathan Coe
#64. My person says I don't understand cause and effect. That's not true, I get it: roll in the mud, you get the bath. But what she
doesn't understand is, sometimes it's just plain worth it. - Belle, Dog Only Knows
Terry Kaye
#65. Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won't use it.
Karel Capek
#66. Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that.
George W. Bush
#67. And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.
Elizabeth Eulberg
#68. I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#69. I once heard a tobacco-chewing hog farmer say that, in Iowa, folks like to spread out their children like dog shit on a dance floor.
Andrew Smith
#70. However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.
J.G. Ballard
#71. I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Tommy Cooper
#72. No the cat we had to leave. It was not Protestant. But the dog, seeing no future for the Reformed Religion in France, was happy enough to go.
Judith Merkle Riley
#73. I have become conscious of my own "cry face." My face puckers like the business end of a hot dog except for my mouth, which stretches in a grimace so wide as to accommodate said hotdog horizontally within it. It's not pretty.
Kelly Wilson
#74. Atty's eyes rested on Darby with all the subtlety of a dog watching his food bowl being filled!
Tricia Murphy
#75. He'd asked me to marry him. He'd kissed me. Twice. He said he loved me. What a scum, rat, dog bastard. I wouldn't sleep with him now if I was dying and the only thing that could save me was a penis injection from him.
Gena Showalter
#77. He was always eating things of hers. Clothing, books, family heirlooms.
Kellyn Roth
#78. When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.
Mark Twain
#79. You never realize a dog is a man's best friend until you start betting on horses.
Karel Capek
#80. Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
#81. I have lots of faith," the fallen angel said as he crouched down and coaxed the dog closer. "I have faith that this is a bad idea. She's not going to belive you. She's going to think we're nuts. She's going to call the police unless she has a record, and if she does she'll run away.
Kim Harrison
#82. I opened my eyes to find a fuzzy face staring into mine. I laughed and scratched Boomer's head. "Your dog is a pervert, he watched the whole thing.
E.M. Denning
#83. Did you know they call the tower the "Iron Lady"? Hmm. Isn't that Margaret Thatched called that, too? Frankly, they don't look anything alike to me. For one thing, Maggie has two legs, and the Parisian Iron Lady has four on the floor, like me.
Sheron Long
#84. Perezvon (the dog) ran about in the wildest spirits, sniffing about first one side, then the other. When he met other dogs they zealously smelt each other over according to the rules of canine etiquette.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#85. Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy
#86. I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.
Steven Wright
#87. America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
Arnold Joseph Toynbee
#88. You can talk to a dog all day long, but he's just looking at you and thinking, 'Where's the ball?
Mike Meyers
#89. She whipped her tentacles away from his fingers decapitating the dead lobster-dog and its body fell from the ceiling fan.
Athena Villaverde
#90. I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it.
Claire Cook
#91. Who ... what are they?"
"My pride and glory," Alex said fondly. "Betty and Lucy Coltrane. Best damned bouncers in the business. Though of course I'd never tell them that. Fiercer than pit bulls and cheaper to run. Married to each other. They had a dog once, but they ate it.
Simon R. Green
#92. He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector
Eva Ibbotson
#93. I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.
Diana Wynne Jones
#94. Some women run with wolves, but the majority would be much happier with your basic lap dog.
Paula Wall
#95. When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Nora Ephron
#96. Dog diggity Cedric Diggory - you are a doggy dynamo.
J.K. Rowling
#98. I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.
Claire Cook
#99. New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.
Bill Maher
#100. The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
Margo Kaufman
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