Ambrose Bierce Famous Quotes & Sayings

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Top 100 Ambrose Bierce Quotes

#1. Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1203857
#2. Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1453638
#3. TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1452265
#4. MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1447509
#5. Ugliness, n.: A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1406509
#6. INADMISSIBLE- Not competent to be considered. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible ... but there is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1380124
#7. Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1301562
#8. Good-bye
if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1292256
#9. A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1253210
#10. POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1248208
#11. Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1232016
#12. Hurry n: The dispatch of bunglers. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1212836
#13. PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1206175
#14. Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1477307
#15. Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1188953
#16. FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1183876
#17. RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1169597
#18. QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another - usually about as many times as it can be got there. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1167639
#19. EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1143858
#20. MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1115321
#21. HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1102039
#22. MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1054579
#23. Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1050680
#24. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1029130
#25. The devil had not only acquired a monopoly of the good music and the good fun, but has of late acquired a controlling interest in the good writing. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1028462
#26. Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1646329
#27. PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1875615
#28. PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1857610
#29. Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1835529
#30. ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1830878
#31. There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1813471
#32. GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1807096
#33. Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1796099
#34. DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1784563
#35. RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries . - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1776741
#36. Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1775120
#37. Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1713537
#38. Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1674565
#39. Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1000825
#40. Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisal. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1637713
#41. MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1624404
#42. Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1622198
#43. The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1586761
#44. AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a bottle, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1581672
#45. Predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1549702
#46. Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1547518
#47. INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1541207
#48. Peyton Farquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1536019
#49. SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1513852
#50. ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #1509628
#51. OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #223165
#52. LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper ... the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the latter is frequently found as an independent species. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #472167
#53. LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #428525
#54. DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #421656
#55. Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #420460
#56. FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #403014
#57. Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #393132
#58. PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #377328
#59. NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #347009
#60. EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #345636
#61. TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #328983
#62. Botany, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #268488
#63. Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #223339
#64. PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #477295
#65. NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #218870
#66. A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #217573
#67. EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #208925
#68. REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #201471
#69. Predicament, n. The wage of consistency. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #141390
#70. YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #135830
#71. Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #135654
#72. Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #133611
#73. An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #131026
#74. MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #124261
#75. DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #79688
#76. NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #698824
#77. INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #974874
#78. An Italian proverb says: The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #960095
#79. PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #923676
#80. Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #884728
#81. STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #864810
#82. Inexpedient: Not calculated to advance one's interests. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #854309
#83. Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #813984
#84. A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #802609
#85. OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #788282
#86. Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#87. San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#88. Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #724561
#89. The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #4673
#90. Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #679243
#91. LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #676169
#92. Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #666626
#93. The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #628085
#94. Deep sadness is an artist of powers that affects people in different ways. To one it comes like the stroke of an arrow, shocking all the emotions to a sharper life. To another, it comes as the blow of a crushing strike. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #623768
#95. Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#96. PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#97. Habit: A shackle for the free. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #545408
#98. Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #540760
#99. There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #510607
#100. Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes #496762

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