Your Humor Quotes

#1. Everything about you fascinates me, Sophie. The smell of your skin. The sound of your voice. Your long legs. Your sense of humor. Your personality. You don't seem to need me, and if you don't need me, it is much more gratifying that you want me.

Elisa Marie Hopkins

#2. No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste.

Jennifer A. Nielsen

#3. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.

Kendall Ryan

#4. Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.

Mark Gungor

#5. So nobody got time for people who aren't worth your time.

Fiona Chazhoor

#6. Give your brain a break and read a book.

Jeff Lyon

#7. I'll keep my head down," Mally assured him. "I'll be careful."
"If anything happens
"
"If anything happens I'll tell you immediately."
Ivan seemed pleased at that and relaxed against a tree trunk.
"Good. I don't want your mother chasing me around Lenzar with a carving knife.

M.L. LeGette

#8. I can absolutely assure you that birth is nothing like holding an ice cube in your hand for a minute and breathing through the "pain.

Cassi Clark

#9. I want to be the best race horse around when I grow up, Mama.
You can be, Charlie, as long as you are willing to try your best and not give up when you have a bad day.

Deanie Humphrys-Dunne

#10. You have as many burdens on your shoulders as you choose to place there.

Art Hochberg

#11. He was one of your wicked, fascinating men. After he got married he left off being fascinating and just kept on being wicked.

L.M. Montgomery

#12. I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

Jasper Fforde

#13. Oh, so now you're abusing the crippled kid, huh?" Kenji takes a moment to steady himself before punching Adam in the arm. "Save your angst for the battlefield, bro. You're going to need it.

Tahereh Mafi

#14. Your super powers are safe. I made sure your magic underwear is in place, Jockboy.

Joseph Lance Tonlet

#15. Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?

Margaret Maron

#16. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.

Cassandra Clare

#17. She shrugged. "I don't have my horse anymore."
"Your horse? The horse was mine."
"Don't be ridiculous." Evanjalin continued walking up the track. "You would never have stolen the horse in Sarnak if I didn't encourage you. So I consider it mine.

Melina Marchetta

#18. Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.

Gideon Defoe

#19. Watching TV Mum said, 'Do you miss your dad?' and I said, 'Who?

Louise Rennison

#20. You'd put our parents at risk for some piece of tail?" Ghleanna demanded.
"She saved my life."
"You can fight your own battles!"
"Not when I'm knocked out on my ass!"
"You mean knocked out on your fat ass!"
"My ass, like the rest of me, is perfection!

G.A. Aiken

#21. Do you work for Starbox? If so, I can't say I dig your new marketing strategy.

Jonathan Maberry

#22. Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

William Shakespeare

#23. Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have.

Richard K. Morgan

#24. You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

Nenia Campbell

#25. Cult Mother- Now what does your spirit animal say to you?
Thugs- Uhm...Uh...
-King Shark smashes through the roof-
King Shark- Hi. My name is Trixie. I like to party.

Adam Glass

#26. It was just as all the Kettral said: You went to Hook to escape your problems and came back with a dozen more.

Brian Staveley

#27. How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly

Haresh Daswani

#28. So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

J.K. Rowling

#29. I have never heard any of your lectures, but from what I can learn I should say that for people who like the kind of lectures you deliver, they are just the kind of lectures such people like. Yours respectfully, O. Abe.

Artemus Ward

#30. Writing is like giving yourself homework, really hard homework, every day, for the rest of your life. You want glamorous? Throw glitter at the computer screen.

Katrina Monroe

#31. It's perfectly okay to paraphrase Nietzche: if you keep your focus, eventually your focus will keep you. Sometimes without parole.

Stephen King

#32. I don't need anybody here."
"Sure you do. Who's going to answer the door while you're asleep in your casket?

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#33. I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.

Andrea Portes

#34. O Chid learn your ABZ's and memorize them well,
and you shall learn to talk and speak and read and write and spel

Shel Silverstein

#35. Lia caught sight of it immediately and glared at him. "You gave me your word. You swore you wouldn't tell him."

"I'm a mass murderer," he said pointedly. "Not exactly trustworthy.

M. Kane

#36. Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing
turn your toes out when you walk
And remember who you are!

Lewis Carroll

#37. Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me." "I know," he smirks. "Can I get back in your bed now?

Alison Kemper

#38. This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

Peter Ustinov

#39. What's next? The size of my cock?"
"Hey, even pencils can get the job done - I've heard the moaning from your room to prove it.

J.R. Ward

#40. For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

Nicole McKay

#41. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.

Madonna Ciccone

#42. Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Mark Twain

#43. Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar."
"Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.

Daniel Younger

#44. No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it.

Lia Habel

#45. How would you like to star in your very own commercial?"
"I'd rather swim in battery acid.

Robin Benway

#46. Live each day like it's your last, 'cause one day you gonna be right

Ray Charles

#47. I tell you that there are eighty-plus-year-old nudists cavorting on your property, Ashley O'Ballivan, and all you can do is laugh?

Linda Lael Miller

#48. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

#49. You think they've killed before?"
"I'd bet your ass on it"
"Why my ass?" Eyes slitted, Peabody jabbed a finger in the air. "Because it's bigger? Because it has more padding? That's hitting below the belt."
"Your ass is below your belt. I'd bet mine, too, if it makes you feel better.

J.D. Robb

#50. Oh get over yourself, so you can kill people, I could shoot you in your face if I wanted to, anyone can do what you do!

Holly Hood

#51. I'm not holding you against your will; I'm holding you against your car.

Linda Howard

#52. There are many things evil people can take from you. However, they can never steal your ability to laugh and laugh loud.

Shannon L. Alder

#53. My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.

Maya Angelou

#54. Just for the record, the way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, but through the best fucking blow job ever. You want a man to be your bitch? Perfect your craft.

Devon Ashley

#55. I ought to come up there and break your shuck nose.

James Dashner

#56. She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

Stephen King

#57. There was [really] little difference between someone acting throwing french fries in your face and someone throwing french fries in your face.

Russell Brand

#58. You know things are weird when you start appreciating your farts.

John Corey Whaley

#59. Come to think of it, Your Majesty, I believe I must still be growing. Either that, or you are shrinking.

C.L. Wilson

#60. He quite liked dentists' waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Jackson Radcliffe

#61. Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.

Richard Paul Evans

#62. You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Zach Galifianakis

#63. If you're feeling blue, lock yourself in a room, stand in front of a mirror, and dance - and laugh at yourself and be sexy. Dance the silliest and ugliest you've ever danced. Make fun of yourself and try to recover your sense of humor.

Salma Hayek

#64. Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain.

Tayeb Salih

#65. I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right.

Isaac Asimov

#66. Oh, Fortuna, blind, heedless goddess, I am strapped to your wheel,' Ignatius belched, 'Do not crush me beneath your spokes. Raise me on high, divinity.

John Kennedy Toole

#67. She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn't make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!

Gina Damico

#68. Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don't have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.

Kylie Scott

#69. Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Stephen Colbert

#70. Let your repentance salt my shoe leather," I said presently, "and then, as I lately sheathed my blade of anger, so sheath you my blade of love.

John Barth

#71. Be kind to your future self, and your future will be kind to you.

Liliana Kohann

#72. So humor me for a minute, and look out your window. What did you see?

Hope Jahren

#73. Randy held out the koosh. "What is it?" "I have no idea," Donna said. "Your asshole scrubber?

Chris Genoa

#74. Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

Dave Chappelle

#75. If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening.

Terry Pratchett

#76. Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

Kathy Reichs

#77. Your never over the hill to find true love because sometimes, that's where it is

Benny Bellamacina

#78. A nation's not a child, for God's sake ... It's like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.

David Hewson

#79. When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

Noel Fielding

#80. I hired you for your attitude, and so far I'm pretty happy with my decision. But I'm not sure I can work with you until I've fucked this attraction out of my system.

J.C. Reed

#81. I'm fine, considering I can't walk anymore," Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. "You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I'm blind?

C.B. Cook

#82. Discipline, Norah. If you're going to taunt them, remember to stick out your tongue.

James A. Owen

#83. Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you'd sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?

Jayde Scott

#84. Wanna dance?" he asked
"I guess you'll do. All the cute guys are already taken," I answered with a grin.
"You wound me with your callousness," he sighed dramatically, taking me in his arms.
"I do have a black belt in demolishing overstuffed egos.

Lani Woodland

#85. Problem-solving with some people is like wiping your butt with a Hula-Hoop.

Carol A. Elliott

#86. Cole: " There's the old Nik. No 'how do you do', no talk of the weather. Just a good swift kick to the balls."
Nikki: "A kick to your balls is an option?

Brodi Ashton

#87. I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

J.K. Rowling

#88. I was having the surreal experience of having myself show myself around my office and bullpen."
"Oh! My desk. I could've sat at my desk. I could've sat at your desk."
"No."
"It's a vid set."
"Even then, no.

J.D. Robb

#89. It was a trap after all," Alric said. He turned to Royce. "My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.

Michael J. Sullivan

#90. New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail
it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret.

Bill Maher

#91. If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Bauvard

#92. Take your pick. It literally could be any one of those things and many, many more. It's hard to live a morally good life when you have a propensity for shenanigans.

T.J. Klune

#93. Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you'll never get your balls back. - Simon Hunt

Dannika Dark

#94. Laughing at your pettiness probably works better than scolding yourself for it.

Sharon Salzberg

#95. Short fiction is like low relief. And if your story has no humor in it, then you're trying to look at something in the pitch dark. With the light of humor, it throws what you're writing into relief so that you can actually see it.

Elizabeth McCracken

#96. There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been.

Michelle Sagara West

#97. Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?

Bill Watterson

#98. You drool in your sleep

Rick Riordan

#99. you couldn't find
your way out of a small shed with a map, lighted signs, and an
escort

Penny Reid

#100. When you're content, blame your friends. When you're angry, blame your enemies. When you're insane, blame yourself.

Allia Loops