Top 100 T.J. Klune Quotes
#1. No cursing," I scolded him. "You're a knight. You don't get to do that. You gave up that right when you swore your oath to the King. You have to lead by example now. So say stuff like 'fudge toast' and 'mothercrackers' instead of 'shit whore' and 'fuck storm.
T.J. Klune
#2. A werewolf is courting me with a dead rabbit. There's nothing subtle here." "Couldn't
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#3. Can you sign something?" Nicole demanded. "This paper? This napkin? My chest? My inner thighs or my wildest dreams? Whatever you want.
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#4. Dammit. I hate it when my crazy is right.
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#5. Joe arched an eyebrow at me, leaning against the counter. He crossed his arms over his chest, muscles bulging from the residual pull of the moon. He was beautiful because he was Joe. He was beautiful because he was mine. "Hey,
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#6. And I'm a Foxy Lady," Tina said. "Because of reasons." She stared at his chest. Everyone understood her reasons. Even me.
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#7. I'm sorry. Were you just speaking to me? I apologize most profusely. I was distracted by the size of the sweat stains under your arms. Are you overly warm today? It seems unlikely given the cold, dead heart that surely beats in your chest.
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#8. Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn't think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies.
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#9. Wait till it's my turn to tell the story! They'll be like 'Bear who?
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#10. I googled "what to do when your future werewolf mate/boyfriend/best friend courts you and brings you a dead rabbit." First, there was a lot of porn. Then I found a recipe for Maltese rabbit stew. It was delicious. The stew, not the porn. The porn was weird. GORDO
T.J. Klune
#11. I look like a gay Mormon missionary," he lamented in the mirror. "Pardon me, have you heard the word of the Lord? It's fabulous!" He
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#12. I bet he wants to solve Ryan's riddle," Mary said. "And then he probably wants to riddle his Ryan.
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#13. I don't have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit," I said. "I'm a wizard. I have quests."
"Uh, you're an apprentice," Gary said. "And you're sent on errands.
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#14. Felix's beauty devastates him, annihilates every fiber of his being, and the voices shout in his head, they sing to him until he thinks his head will split.
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#15. A travesty of epic proportions," Tock agreed. "How much you wanna bet they couldn't even turn the computer on?
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#16. You can only get knocked down so many times before you start shying away from a raised hand, even if it's extended in kindness.
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#17. 'I wish someone had told you that you're a terrible liar so I wouldn't have to be the first one. I feel bad now.'
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#18. Otter pulls me up to the bar and leans over. "What's wrong? You stink!"
he shouts.
I glare at him. "I smell fine, you asshole. I used your cologne."
He rolls his eyes and comes closer, his lips against my ear. I shiver. "I
said, what do you want to drink?
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#19. We'll count it, even if it's so incredibly gay that it should come with its own packet of fairy dust that you could sprinkle in the air when you say it.
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#20. I realized that I love him pure and simple. It's not a matter of logic or function. It's a matter of my heart.
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#21. Honey bear," the unicorn said. "You are the gayest thing I've seen since I last saw my own reflection.
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#22. I don't think this is working out between us," I told him. "You and I want different things. It's not me, it's you.
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#23. Please just let me have you. Please. Nothing else matters if I can't have you.
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#24. I squeeze his hand and give him fifteen words that mean everything. It's okay to sleep now, Dad. I know that one day, we'll be together again.
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#26. I want Otter to run back to San Diego and go back to the stupid fucking boyfriend, who Ive never met but cannot stand.
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#27. That's not the question you should be asking, though, if this is a dream. The question you should be asking is what you're going to do now? Because you're awake?
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#28. My future," Joe said, "is Ox." Ah god, that made me ache. "Is that so?" Mom asked. "How do you figure?" "He's really nice," Joe said seriously. "And smells good. And he makes me happy. And I want to do nothing more than put my mouth on him." "Ah
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#29. Monsters are real. Magic is real. The world is a dark and frightening place and it's all real.
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#30. He gave me a lot, but it would have never been enough." He looks thoughtful as he gazes back down at me. "It would never have been enough," he tells me," because it would never have been you
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#31. It'll be the Date to End All Dates," I told Gary as he nosed his way through my closet. "And yes, before you ask, it is capitalized just like it sounds. Great plans should always be capitalized.
T.J. Klune
#32. And yours is brown. Like bear-shit brown. Or maybe otter shit. Or maybe bear and otter shit combined.
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#33. Never again, you hear me? Never again. Something happens, you tell me. I need you to tell me. I need you.
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#34. LOL. Wuteva. "What the hell does that mean?" Gus asked. "Lawl? Lole? I don't speak youth!
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#35. 'There's a seagull eating our food,' he told me, and it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard.
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#36. I don't want to know when you've been tied up in the fun way, I told him.
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#37. You think I gave you crack?"
"Maybe."
Is there anything about me that screams crack?"
He grinned as he swayed. "Your butt crack," he whispered before dissolving into giggles.
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#38. If I was straight and Tina not the bitch from hell, one would assume we were almost flirting. But I was gay and Tina was the bitch from hell. We were not flirting.
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#39. Hmm," Gary said. "Yes. Your meeting. Your secret meeting that you never tell anyone about or where it is or why you go. That meeting.
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#40. One thing that they don't tell you is that fires can't burn bright forever.
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#41. Don't do it. I swear to god I will break your fingers off ... Okay, do it.
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#42. JUST so you know, I don't have a gargantuan penis.
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#43. I'm about to hug the crap out of you," I warned him. "Like, full-on feelings hug where it goes on for a bit too long and becomes slightly awkward and we both clear our throats and shuffle our feet when it's over.
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#44. Ryan shrugged. "You're adorable. With your angry glitter." And Gary blushed. His whole face. Never before in the strange and sordid history of our super-best friendship had I ever seen him blush.
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#45. He sighs and bows his head, burying his face in his hands. I touch his hair. His ears. Bear may be my rock, but Dom is the force that moves me.
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#46. Eric's ass is so loose it sounds like wind blowing over a cave entrance when he walks.
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#47. Later, when I'm on the edge of sleep, I hear him whisper, "You'll see. One day, you'll see what I've seen all along." And then I'm gone.
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#48. The measure of a man, she said finally, is not the words that mark his end, but everything he's done since his beginning.
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#49. Float like a butterfly, sting like a unicorn ;)
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#50. The choices humans make are like a ripple in a pond. They carry from one to another, bouncing, dancing. Colliding. And still they go on. But you. The choices you make are like a tsunami in the ocean.
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#51. Yeah, 'cause you were so quick to speak up earlier? it mocks. What's that one guy's name again? The one who is your heart and soul? Octavius? Othello? Bah. I can't be bothered to remember, either. How interesting, your hypocrisy.
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#52. I can't do it. I can't get into a philosophical debate with an archangel, knowing how ridiculous it is and how unprepared I am.
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#53. I sit up straighter and puff out my chest a little bit, unsure why I'm doing so even as I do it. I know when I speak I'll have dropped my voice an octave to make myself seem more manly, and when I shake he hand, my grip will be tight and strong. Stupid, I know, but I'm a guy. It's what we do.
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#54. You don't have to choose," he says quietly. "We chose you already.
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#55. And if there is one last thing I would have you know before we reach these final pages, it's that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we want it to be so, sometimes there is no such a thing as happy ending.
This is my ending. This is how i burn.
T.J. Klune
#56. Too bad you're like my older sister. We could have been something special."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Older? You're seventy-six!"
"Boo, you whore," he said.
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#57. I'm going to have to work out even more now tomorrow to make up for all the potatoes and bread. Okay. I feel bad. That was a lie. I'm not going to work out at all. That sounds just awful.
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#58. Robert Redford is like cheese: he ages well and I want to put him in my mouth.
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#59. 'Whatever you need to call yourself to help you sleep at night, that's fine. Just as long as you know you're sleeping next to me.'
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#60. You want to know what it feels like to be castrated? Try having your nine-year-old brother protect you from your ex-girlfriend after you've told her you're in love with a man.
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#61. Because you're worried, Bear. And it makes me nervous. You know when you worry, I worry. It's just something we do.
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#62. Oh dear gods. I think my underwear just fell off." "Nicole," Tina hissed. "Keep your comments to yourself! Be a respectable fucking lady, for fuck's sake!
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#63. Have you kissed a guy yet?" I blushed. "No." Before
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#64. If Sam were a tree, you know what kind of tree he'd be?"
"What kind?"
"A pine. Because of all the pining.
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#65. Look. This has been ... fun." Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. "But I have to go. I've got stuff to do before I head out again." Masturbate. "Wizard stuff. Like ... secret wizard stuff." Masturbate.
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#66. Sometimes I wonder if you should be on medication," Charlie said. "It can't be healthy to have you thinking all by yourself without some kind of pharmaceutical intervention.
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#67. 'Es cor meum,' he murmured, his eyes dancing over my face.
Though I'd never heard the phrase, I responded: 'Ut tu meus.' As you are mine.
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#68. I wished for Derek Michen to kiss my face off (that one was when I was nine years old and was absolutely positive he was the love of my life. He did kiss me two weeks later, but then he also kissed Jessica, David, Megan, Rhonda, and Robert. Derek turned out to be a bit of a whore).
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#69. I thought the whole point of having a gay brother was that they were supposed to be all cool and shit. I've got a defective gay.
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#70. Dragons," I said. "They're hoarders. They keep the things they think are pretty. Gold and jewels. In this case, Justin. To each his own, I guess.
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#71. Everything is so vast. It's humbling to remember just how small we really are.
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#72. Sam's just dealing with some issues. He recently came to the realization that he's a twenty-year-old virgin prude.
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#73. It's better, Benji, to have something burn brightly for a short time than to never have it at all.
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#74. Round 5: Telling him I felt bad about the puppy-shirt thing, I told him
we could go pick out a dog at the pound now that we had a yard for it.
Instead, I took him to the dentist. Winner: Bear "Rock Star" McKenna.
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#75. He's my brother. You don't turn away from someone like him just because he likes dick instead of the good stuff." I chuckle. "You certainly haven't lost your way with words.
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#76. You can't say your wish out loud. Not when you look up at the stars. If you do, it won't come true. And I can't ... I can't allow that to happen to you. He watched me. I watched him back.
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#77. 'But even I know that in your line of work, there's a difference between being a volunteer and being volun-told.'
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#78. He grinned at me again, and the butterflies in my stomach turned into dragons and laid waste to my innards.
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#79. a while, he said, "You must really love him. To do what you've done." "He'd do the same for me," I said, knowing it was true. No matter how else I felt, I believed that with everything I had. And
T.J. Klune
#80. United States of America? More like United States of Extraordinary Injustice Against Certain Segments of the Population All Because Rednecks Are Scared of Butt Sex.
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#81. Muscles. (Not that I could see them under the knight's armor, but I had a very vivid imagination and I was not ashamed to use it.)
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#82. I'll wait for you," he said as his hand dropped to his side, as his eyes began to dim. "I think I could wait for you forever.
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#83. You can be the queen," I allowed. "Just don't tell Gary I said that. Friendships have ended for a lot less than that.
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#84. Oh my god, Ox, your life is like those shitty sparkly vampire movies. That I've never seen and don't like at all, shut up." "Oh
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#85. Sam never gonna find a boyfriend," Tiggy said. "No one gonna take his flower."
"Don't talk about my flower!
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#86. Gary laughed. Yeah, but then people meet you and you're all skinny and adorable, and they're all like whaaaa?
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#87. NICK HAPPENED a year later. He came in to Gordo's all dusty from the road. The clutch on his bike had blown out a few miles outside of Green Creek. He stayed for a week. I fucked him on the last three days he was in town. He left and I never saw him again. Joe
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#88. I just want to be wherever you are.
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#89. 'But it's weird, right? It's like we're a gay bug zapper and all the gays keep flocking to us because they think we're bright and shiny, but all I want to do is electrocute most of them because they annoy the crap out of me with their high-pitched whining.'
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#90. Sometimes it's the promises we don't say that are the ones that are the loudest.
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#91. You're a talking unicorn," I said. "Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.
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#92. The bastard. How dare he? I was drowning in a fucking river that he was still attempting to save me from, and he was telling me he was going to push me back in and hold me under. My father's death had nearly destroyed me. Cal's death would finish me.
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#93. This is your home." He reached up his other hand and gripped my face, pressing down hard against my cheeks.
I nodded.
"Say it!"
"I won't run," I whispered as I watched an angry tear trickling from his eye. I leaned forward and licked it away.
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#94. Creed, Im in love with your brother, and I think I fucked everything up.
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#95. Nothing's too fast if it means forever.
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#96. Gary looked back at Lartin and sized him up. Then he did that thing that I swear only unicorns can do. His blue eyes got impossibly big. His eyelashes lengthened as he fluttered them at Lartin. His mane was luminous in the darkened cave, and he purred, Well aren't you precious.
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#97. Bear. It's always been you. It will always be you. I love you, and that's why it will always be enough.
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#98. You can't just wipe away your history.
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#99. There's too many other people in the world who want nothing more than to kick you when you're down. Don't you dare do that job for them.
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#100. I groaned. "You set me up!"
"And it was surprisingly easy." Dad laughed. "Geez. I don't know how you weren't kidnapped as a child by a stranger who offered you candy. You're so gullible.
T.J. Klune
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