Top 100 What A Joke Quotes
#1. The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality - what a joke. In my district, we caught them lying to us about the results of air quality studies in the Barnett Shale. They are playing with the health and safety of our communities, and we are going to tell them that is not acceptable.
Wendy Davis
#2. A great door opened by God for work, but while I'm doing the work, all Hell breaks loose. Oh! The idea that when God opens a door and He's with you, you don't have to fight. Oh, what a joke. That is a joke. In fact, if you don't feel the devil fighting against you, that's a bad sign.
Jim Cymbala
#3. As a kid, Vix had had some warped idea that grownup meant having a job and living on your own. It meant no one could tell you what to eat, or what to wear, or how to behave. It meant that it was okay to have sex with guys. What a joke!
Judy Blume
#4. I've always felt that animals are the purest spirits in the world. They don't fake or hide their feelings, and they are the most loyal creatures on Earth. And somehow we humans think we're smarter-what a joke.
Pink
#5. At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me, your emotions follow your intent. If you create the intention of starting a comedy act, slowly your mind starts adjusting and you arrive at a new emotional state.
Steve Martin
#6. It's funny that when the one person you live for is ripped out of your life you can still find a way to convince yourself it's for the best and that you will eventually get over it.
What a joke.
Cassia Leo
#7. Gweneth [sic] Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her,
Cindy McCain
#8. I have to admit my Elomi bridal lingerie was exquisite. I'd been so certain it would wow Chris, spur him into some post-matrimonial lustfulness. What a joke. A strap-on might have been a better idea.
Kylie Scott
#9. The Lord's angel, Gebrail, dictated the Koran to Mohammed the Lord's Prophet. What a joke if all that holy book were only twenty-three years of listening to the desert. A desert which has no voice.
Thomas Pynchon
#10. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Alan Moore
#11. "What a joke: Tiny living entities crawling on a little planet and are thinking, "I am Great". "
Radhanath Swami
#12. What a joke! Poor little rich girl's fallen in love with the Republic's most famous criminal.
Marie Lu
#13. They've been talking about their prom nonstop. Even the people that think it's a "joke" like Mary Elizabeth can't stop talking about what a "joke" it is. It's all very fun to witness.
Stephen Chbosky
#14. Oh definitely. It'll be in a hot tub, with my entire head squeezed into a jet. The photos are going to be hilarious. Man, I really hope the internet sticks around so people can reference this article in my obituaries and see that what sounds like a joke was actually amazingly prescient.
Jason Sudeikis
#15. And I offer this book with the heartiest sentiments to all the jolly people who hate what I write, and regard it (very justly, for all I know), as a piece of poor clowning or a single tiresome joke.
G.K. Chesterton
#16. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!
Mary Gordon
#17. Pretension is a poor joke that you play on yourself. Snap out of it. Recognise your strengths, work on your weaknesses. Real achievement is liking what you see in the mirror every morning.
Virat Kohli
#18. People joke, in our field, about Pythagoras and his religious cult based on perfect geometry and other abstract mathematical forms, but if we are going to have religion at all then a religion of mathematics seems ideal, because if God exists then what is He but a mathematician?
Matt Haig
#19. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#20. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.
Kiersten White
#21. What was the future? The future was a solid wall, not promising, not threatening - all bunk. No guarantees of anything, not even the guarantee that life isn't one big joke.
Bob Dylan
#22. If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
#23. I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?
Jonathan Safran Foer
#24. What I don't like today is, to put it coarsely, the phony Hasidism, the phony mysticism. Many students say, "Teach me mysticism." It's a joke.
Elie Wiesel
#25. You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.
Lennon Parham
#26. People are so stupid, that they repeat your words and said in other words and what??
(I'm stupid, so stupid that I want to repeat), I just heard that probably I have missunderstand something...
(NOte- It's joke a Get it?)
Deyth Banger
#27. What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
Aziz Ansari
#28. I just heard the latest joke about my hair: 'Do you know what that is on her head? It's a steering wheel to drive the state.'
Yulia Tymoshenko
#29. If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
Robert Orben
#30. In a flash, at a trumpet crash, I am all at once what Christ is, since he was what I am, and This Jack, joke, poor potsherd, patch, matchwood, immortal diamond, Is immortal diamond.
Wesley Hill
#31. We have a new joke on the reservation: 'What is cultural deprivation?' Answer: 'Being an upper-middle class white kid living in a split-level suburban home with a color TV.'
John Fire Lame Deer
#32. I honestly and truly love and believe in what I'm making, and it's not a joke, whereas some people would take a singer-songwriter sitting behind an acoustic guitar as sincere.
Casey Spooner
#33. What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Geoff Tibballs
#34. And what exactly is a dream and what exactly is a joke.
Syd Barrett
#35. What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories.
Howard Dean
#36. It goes on top and breaks down,
It can emit a high or low sound.
Each atom of such noisy chute
Exhale the aroma of a ripe fruit.
Ana Claudia Antunes
#37. What if it's just a big, cosmic joke?
Then ... laugh!
.85.
Dee Lestari
#38. Thor might be god of strength and war, Odin of wisdom, but he sometimes wondered if it wasn't Loki, the trickster god, who stood behind what unfolded. A lie can run deeper than strength or wisdom. And hadn't the world proved to be a bitter joke?
Mark Lawrence
#39. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.
Toby Barlow
#40. A cross with yellow roses. What a fucking thing. It was like an electric chair with floral-print cushions, a bad joke.
Anonymous
#41. Lucian's voice rang inside my head, loud and clear, "Move your ass, Elena, and no matter what, trust your reflexes." Relying on my clumsy butt was more like it. I'd made a joke, That was a good sign.
Adrienne Woods
#42. Artemus Ward used that trick a good deal; then when the belated audience presently caught the joke he would look up with innocent surprise, as if wondering what they had found to laugh at. Dan Setchell used it before
Mark Twain
#43. And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from ... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions."
Nicholas Stoller
#44. I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?
Tone-Loc
#45. Hey, Axi. What's the difference between a doctor and a lawyer?" I knew this joke - it was one of Robinson's standards. And I was only half-surprised he was trotting it out now. Playing along, I said, "I don't know. What?" "A lawyer will rob you; a doctor will rob you and kill you, too.
James Patterson
#46. Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.
Jim Gaffigan
#47. How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken
light-bulb?" goes the old Lojban joke. "Two: one to decide
what to change it into and one to decide what kind of bulb
emits broken light.
Arika Okrent
#49. What 'SNL' taught me that was useful on 'The Watch' was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh - there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren't necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it's important to the joke.
Akiva Schaffer
#50. Tell me my little children, what crime has this lizard committed that it must die this evening?" There was silence. In raising my head like a joke, I tried to laugh. That was the same time I realized that grandma was dead serious with us.Pg.26
Obehi Peter Ewanfoh
#51. Why is he scared of the dark?"
I meant the words for a joke, but Shade nodded seriously. "Like all monsters. Because it reminds him of what he truly is".
Rosamund Hodge
#52. The quality of life of European cities and towns of almost any size make life in America look not just like a joke, but a sick joke, a horror movie. But I'd rather stay involved and do what I can to make this a better place than move to the south of France and enjoy the good life.
James Howard Kunstler
#53. We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.
Bobby Farrelly
#54. If you do a joke that's really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, 'Real original, you're just doing old jokes!' But bands do it all the time.
Chris Hardwick
#55. I know what's funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it's walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that.
James Burrows
#56. [When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness.
Gwyneth Paltrow
#57. If you were a country," I said, "what would your national anthem be?"
I meant a pre-existing song
"What a Wonderful World" or "Que Sera, Sera" or something to make it a joke, like "Hey Ya!" ("I would like, more than anything else, for my nation to be shaken like a Polaroid picture.")
David Levithan
#58. New York was at the forefront of rap, so because of all the great people who have gone before me, being a rapper from Queens, I have to live up to those standards. I'm basically just a regular guy who says what he feels and likes to joke. I like long walks on the beach ... and I love rap.
Action Bronson
#59. Is everything a joke to you?" I asked. He dabbed his tongue to his lip again. "Not everything." "Like what?" "You.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#60. I think a lot of people misinterpret what I'm doing because they think of it as just a joke or they think of it as disposable.
Casey Spooner
#61. Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
Ambrose Bierce
#62. Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.
Jackson Browne
#63. Most people don't understand what humor is. They think it's something lighthearted and cheerful. Like 'good humor.' But it isn't. It's looking into the darkness and spitting at it with a joke. Humor is dark. Humor is that we're all going to die.
B.G. Harlen
#64. Oh dear, oh deary me!" Thorn said in a ridiculous falsetto voice. "What are we going to do? It's twelve big hairy guardsmen and Mahmel in a natty green hat."
It was all very well to joke about it, Hal thought, but the situation was serious.
John Flanagan
#65. If you want to see what this nation is all about, you have to ride the rails. Look outside as you speed through, and you'll find the true face of America. It was a joke, then, from the start. There was only darkness outside the windows on her journeys, and only ever would be darkness.
Colson Whitehead
#66. I believe that life is a game, life is a cruel joke and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." She
Neil Gaiman
#67. If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
#68. Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.
Lemony Snicket
#69. I live on a ranch in Texas and do my own thing. And I don't care what anyone has to say about it. My joke is that the only people I'm trying to please are myself and my fans, because they're the ones buying my records. And I have the best, most loyal fan base ever.
Kelly Clarkson
#70. What I don't understand is these people who go on the street wearing riding clothes, and they have never been on a horse. They ought to have their heads examined, really. It's a joke. But, let's face it, we live in a fantasy world.
C. Z. Guest
#72. People talk, 'Oh your father's a misogynist, look what he said about women,' like, on 'Howard Stern.' When he gets with Howard Stern, who's a friend of his, he'll joke around, because it's a comedy show. He's allowed to have a personality.
Donald Trump Jr.
#73. That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
Alan King
#74. My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
Howie Mandel
#75. Challenging someone is good. You need to do it. Sometimes they don't even realize you're doing it, like when you joke with a goalie, 'What's wrong today? You losing it?'
Sidney Crosby
#76. Actually, being married to me probably would be something of a joke ... but yeah, I mean it. What do you think?
Danielle Steel
#77. I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.
James C. Humes
#78. What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke."
"Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
Kristin Cashore
#79. Why is it called Dr. Device?" "When it was developed, it was called a Molecular Detachment Device. M.D. Device." Ender still didn't understand. "M.D. The initials stand for Medical Doctor, too. M.D. Device, therefore Dr. Device. It was a joke." Ender didn't see what was funny about it.
Orson Scott Card
#80. In the India I was growing up in, history wasn't really a wise career option. People would joke and say, 'History's okay, but what's your actual job?' I didn't come from a privileged background and couldn't afford to be irresponsible, so I did the pragmatic thing and did a MBA.
Amish Tripathi
#81. You know what they call a sociopath with a conscience?"
It sounded like the setup to a joke so Elle took the bait. "No, what do they call a sociopath with a conscience?"
"They call her 'Mistress'.
Tiffany Reisz
#82. There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
Chelsea Handler
#83. Ummm umm ah," he began, not knowing what to say. "Well that's a very funny joke Peter," Mr Higginbotton said, "but have you got a joke with some words that we might recognise?" "Oh
Kate Cullen
#84. I learned a long time ago from when I did 'Seinfeld' never to take anything seriously, and to be part of the joke is the best way to show what a good sport I was.
Marlee Matlin
#85. In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there.
Bill Murray
#86. Here's my formula: I usually start with a joke or story to catch the audience's attention; then I tell them what I am going to tell them, I tell them, and then I tell them what I just told them.
Ronald Reagan
#87. It was that famous joke: What's the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? 'Hey, I wrote a song.'
Dave Grohl
#88. What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
Ana Claudia Antunes
#89. Hey," he said.
"Hi." Oh, damn. It was awkward.
"What're you doing?"
"Shearing a sheep. It's cold outside, and I need a new hat."
He paused. "You're joking, right?"
"Yes, Marshall." I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.
Chanelle Gray
#90. When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.
Brian P. Cleary
#91. I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.
Rainn Wilson
#92. Well, what of it? If sex isn't a joke, what is it
Nella Larsen
#93. Control was the basis of all humor. Even at its most innocent, what was a joke or a clever comment if not a way to take control? To become King of the Moment.
Adam Rex
#94. There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
#95. I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I'm comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.
Josh Hutcherson
#96. Left with an oncoming headache, went home, and that's verified, to his wife and six-month-old baby. He's three weeks into a big, fat raise and promotion. He doesn't fit for me."
"Lucky for Whistler, and likely his mother?"
"What? Why?"
"Weak joke. So back to your corporate trio.
J.D. Robb
#97. You know how the joke goes: On the way to the execution ground, a condemned criminal complained that it was going to rain, and the executioner said, 'What have you got to worry about? We're the ones who've got to go back through it!
Liu Cixin
#98. I rarely joke unless I'm in front of a camera. It's not what I am in real life. It's what I do for a living.
Christopher Guest
#99. I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line.
Roman Polanski
#100. rights are honored only in the breach. most people don't get agents or cops assigned to them until they're already raped or dead.
Patricia Cornwell
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