I'm A Joke To You Quotes

#1. Rachel snatched her hand back. Sorry, I forgot the rules. Everything's a joke until it's not, and words don't mean anything until you want them to.

Kit Rocha

#2. You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.

Doug Benson

#3. I hear Dylan rummaging around in the cupboards. "You want a jelly doughnut?It's the only breakfast food I've got."
"No time!I'll just snort the powdered sugar off the top."
"Bad joke, considering who I used to go out with.

Ann Redisch Stampler

#4. Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it's funny. You're just sitting there like, 'Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?' It's such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.

Todd Phillips

#5. I went up on stage, and said, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To check out the chicks." I was a genius at 10. Try telling that at 21, and you look hacky and stupid. That was the only joke I've ever told. Everything since has been character voices, doing impressions or just telling stories.

Gabriel Iglesias

#6. I inhaled slowly and thought about making a joke about how the NSA doesn't really need to call anyone; they just interrupt while you're already on the phone.

Penny Reid

#7. I tell you it's no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don't think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.

William Morris Hunt

#8. My parents wanted their daughters to reach their full potential. I joke that they said, 'We left our homeland so you could pursue your dreams - as long as you're a lawyer, a doctor, or an engineer.'

Dina Powell

#9. You like the girl," Alasdair offered.
Nassar leveled a heavy gaze at him.
"Lillian said you tried to be funny in the car. I told her it couldn't possibly be true. The moment you try to make a joke, the sky shall split and the Four Horsemen will ride out, heralding Apocalypse.

Ilona Andrews

#10. And I liked pluralist Australia. I got a taste for pluralist Australia. I like, I like Australians and I can't believe that they're going to go to hell because they tell a good dirty joke, you know.

Thomas Keneally

#11. Your skin is white, but I think the white god made a mistake, or maybe he did it on purpose to play a joke. He gave you an Apache heart.

Ellen O'Connell

#12. When bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke, But sometimes life is scary and dark. That is why we must find the light.

Adventure Time

#13. Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.

Carol Burnett

#14. I'm so proud of you. I wanted to blow you, like, eighteen times."
"I made thirty-four saves. Weren't you paying attention?"
Isaac threw his head back and laughed. "Oh my God. You made a joke."
"Who said I was joking?

Avon Gale

#15. Is there any other way to Erudite headquarters?" I say. "Not that I now of," says Cara. "Unless you want to jump from one roof to another." She laughs a little as she says it, like it's a joke. I raise my eyebrows at her. "Wait," she says. "You aren't considering
?

Veronica Roth

#16. When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Ilona Andrews

#17. Ringer, I don't want to burst your bubble, but - "
"You don't want to burst my bubble butt?"
"That sounded suspiciously like a joke.

Rick Yancey

#18. I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.

Howie Mandel

#19. Actually, being married to me probably would be something of a joke ... but yeah, I mean it. What do you think?

Danielle Steel

#20. I always laugh the hardest at the stuff you see in day-to-day life. It's great when somebody can tell a joke that really makes you laugh hard, but to see some kind of personal interaction that no one could write is so good. Those are always the things that make me laugh.

Luke Wilson

#21. I think it's cool to play characters who are very joke-y and yet you can show a total serious, very somber side to them. You don't normally get that in a film - and in a [film] series especially. To be able to do that was really cool.

James Phelps

#22. That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.

Alan King

#23. Even if you get a joke right you've done it a thousand times and sometimes there's times where it just doesn't work or someone doesn't agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that's part of comedy is arguments, you know?

Godfrey

#24. You have to struggle a bit, hustle a little, and be willing to go bankrupt. Once you're willing to do that, everything opens up and you get the freedom. My joke is that next year, I'll make the first film that costs zero dollars.

Nick Nolte

#25. It seems to me that humour is everybody's way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don't know whether you've noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it's nearly always a mini fantasy.

Diana Wynne Jones

#26. You should know something about me. I joke around a lot. But I'm a pretty serious guy about some things. My job. My truck. My lucky boots." Which he just happened to be wearing tonight. "Making love.

B. J. Daniels

#27. Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

Daniel Tosh

#28. People say I'm the life of the party Because I tell a joke or two Although I might be laughing loud and hearty Deep inside I'm blue So take a good look at my face You'll see my smile looks out of place If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my tears..

Smokey Robinson

#29. The idea of surprise is part of what makes something funny, or what gets a reaction. At least when I'm an audience member, after you hear a joke so many times it's not as funny because it loses its surprise or its twist. So I think funny has to do with surprise.

Charlyne Yi

#30. Taking the time to polish a pun or fine-tune a practical joke is a way of saying, 'I'm thinking about you and I want to please you.'

Andrew Hudgins

#31. I have this very abstract idea in my head. I wouldn't even want to call it stand-up, because stand-up conjures in one's mind a comedian with a microphone standing onstage under a spotlight telling jokes to an audience. The direction I'm going in is eventually, you won't know if it's a joke or not.

Garry Shandling

#32. Cut out all these exclamation jokes. An explanation point is like laughing at your own joke. I'm going to delete you from my contacts if you keep sending solely emoji texts. You're a grown-ass man.

F Scott Fitzgerald

#33. Cooking allows you to have travels, adventures and journeys without going anywhere. The running joke between my partner and me is that I'm not really concerned about how long it takes, or how much I destroy the kitchen, because I just have such a good time doing it.

Ted Allen

#34. Sometimes I know a joke I'm going to yell out ahead of time, but most of the time it's stream of conscious. You never really know it until you've got everyone dressed up, the set is built, all the extras are here.

Adam McKay

#35. With anything you put out there, you're going to offend somebody, but most people get that it's a joke, that I'm playing a character, and that I'm actually making fun of what I'm saying by saying it.

Trevor Moore

#36. I hope I'm Jessica Tandy, you know. I hope I'm onstage, and I fall over at 85 or something with everyone applauding thinking that it was a joke, you know, 'There she goes again,' and I'm just gone. I've gone to Heaven.

Elizabeth Banks

#37. Sounds impossible. I like it. Except it is pretty impossible. You don't happen to remember anything else extremely useful that you've omitted to mention until now?"

"Er," said Paris.

"That was actually a joke," said Vai.

"I'm not good at jokes," said Paris.

Rosamund Hodge

#38. I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I'm really sarcastic, so it's important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of all the stress of the day.

Matt Lanter

#39. You know, Goddie's been trying for years to turn me to the gay side," he says in a small, quiet mumble. "I was pretty sure that was never on the cards, until I met you.

K.C. Finn

#40. And usually I'm not watching the screen. I'm kind of sitting and looking off to the side, spying on people to see what they react to' cause it's - as Joe Ranft used to say, you know, animation is like telling a joke and waiting for three years to see if anyone laughs

Pete Docter

#41. I am not asking you to understand, Papa. I'm asking for you to accept."
"Accept what?"
Me. Accept me, Papa. "My decision to live my own life as I see fit."
It is so quiet that I suddenly wish I could take it back. Sorry, it was only a terrible joke. I should like a new dress, please.

Libba Bray

#42. I always make this joke that I know you were expecting to see the big skirts and the hoops. But that was a long time ago. Artists aren't always seen as real people. If you start out as a teenager, sometimes people want to keep you locked as that. But I'm a woman now.

Jody Watley

#43. I'll be the first to admit it, the life I'm leading is basically a joke. I should probably be cooler about it, but I can't fake it, you know?

Andy Roddick

#44. If you feel like yelling because no one is listening to you, burst into song instead. You can even turn it into a joke - "You guys know how terrible my singing is. If you don't follow my directions the first time, I'm going to have to sing them. Loudly.

Angela Watson

#45. You can cause earthquakes?"
He sighed, a playful look in his eyes. "There's such a delicious joke there, but I'm going to be good and hold back. With the amount of sexual tension permeating these grounds, even a bad 'rock your world' line is liable to ignite something.

Elizabeth Hunter

#46. And I know I'm sarcastic and defensive and I make a joke out of everything and am highly resistant to anything that reeks of sentimental corniness, but I'm giving you my heart anyway because being with you feels like home, and I know you won't break it.

Shauna Cross

#47. I was told this comment was only a "joke." Hell to the no. I don't care how chummy we are, you don't get to be racist in the name of comedy. There's nothing funny about reducing me to the damaging stereotypes that have stuck around for centuries.

Phoebe Robinson

#48. I don't really know what is shocking. When you tell the story of a man who is beheaded, you have to show how they cut off his head. If you don't, it's like telling a dirty joke and leaving out the punch line.

Roman Polanski

#49. So you'll be my bodyguard for any guys who want to introduce me to anal?' I joke.
'I will defend your virtue and your ass to the death,' he says with a knightly vow.

Bianca Giovanni

#50. I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.

Hank Aaron

#51. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

Jay Leno

#52. I've always been a fan at home. That's the one joke I have with Sam [Champion]. "I've always loved you! I remember wanting to be you in grade school!"

Chris Cuomo

#53. A great door opened by God for work, but while I'm doing the work, all Hell breaks loose. Oh! The idea that when God opens a door and He's with you, you don't have to fight. Oh, what a joke. That is a joke. In fact, if you don't feel the devil fighting against you, that's a bad sign.

Jim Cymbala

#54. I always thought there was some cleverness to the joke diet in which you could eat as much as you want and as often as you want, but everything must be consumed naked in front of a full-length mirror. That would deter me!

Gene Weingarten

#55. I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.

Michael Phelps

#56. I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.

Sayed Kashua

#57. Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

Mike Birbiglia

#58. One evening, Mike Myers and Steven Spielberg were discussing 'Goldmember,' and I just happened to joke, 'If you need a Japanese character, let me know!' The next day, they called me for audition! I find it's always helpful to maintain a sense of humour.

Nobu Matsuhisa

#59. I joke, but I only half joke, that if you come to one of our hospitals missing a limb, no one will believe you till they get a CAT scan, MRI, or orthopedic consult.

Abraham Verghese

#60. No, that part's not true! That's a joke-lie. I'm not going to lie to you in this story because I want you to know that the rest of it is true.

Tina Fey

#61. But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.

Kanye West

#62. I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'

Paul Feig

#63. Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human.

Lori Goldson

#64. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!

Chris Tucker

#65. I just heard the latest joke about my hair: 'Do you know what that is on her head? It's a steering wheel to drive the state.'

Yulia Tymoshenko

#66. What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

Aziz Ansari

#67. There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!"

Stanley Tucci

#68. I like that we don't have to come out the first 10 minutes and score, you know, with joke, joke, joke. We can open it in a more novel way and keep playing different pranks as we go through the thing.

Bruce Vilanch

#69. I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

Adam Carolla

#70. I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Jonathan Safran Foer

#71. Well, I live a double life. Tonight, I'll escort you to dinner. Then I have to rush home and finish my calculus homework.'
'You're not joking, are you?'
'I never joke about calculus homework.

Rick Riordan

#72. If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.

Jimmy Fallon

#73. My joke is that my father was a minister and my mother was an English teacher, so I'm trained to see the world in terms of symbols, which is hard when you just want to make toast.

Libba Bray

#74. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!

Mary Gordon

#75. If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

Wanda Sykes

#76. I never got to tell you so many things. Like how I wish I
could command a room like you. It's so impressive. Or how your eyes sparkle when you make a joke.
It's really pretty.

Kiera Cass

#77. A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

Jon Stewart

#78. There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

Mary Virginia Provines

#79. When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can't do that much longer.

Joan Van Ark

#80. I think it's natural if you're doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke.

Judy Greer

#81. Is everything a joke to you?" I asked. He dabbed his tongue to his lip again. "Not everything." "Like what?" "You.

Becca Fitzpatrick

#82. Don't you watch any cop shows?" Logan asked. "You're supposed to wait until I've made sure there are no guys with submachine guns and machetes waiting in the shadows."
"Was that a joke?" Zak asked

Barbara Elsborg

#83. I think you need to have the guts to not use comedy. Often, the people that work in comedy use a joke to avoid contemplation.

Steve Coogan

#84. The winds," Jason said. "Father, can't you unleash the winds to send our ship back?" Zeus glowered. "I could slap you back to Long Island." "Um, was that a joke, or a threat, or - " "No," Zeus said, "I mean it quite literally. I could slap your ship back to Camp Half-Blood, but the force involved...

Rick Riordan

#85. You killed me." My voice was unsteady.

He held me close again. "I brought you back."

"Please tell me we only have to do that once."

He whispered against my ear, "I swear I won't kill you again. Cross my heart and hope to die." It was a bad joke

Catrina Burgess

#86. Would like to join me? (Astrid) I think I'd look strange in a bikini. (Zarek) Was that a joke? Can it be you made a real joke? (Astrid) Yeah, I must be possessed or something. (Zarek)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#87. You're a hard negotiator, Ray-Baby."
"I'm going to get a lot harder if you call me that again."
"Give me a minute. Less than a minute. I'm almost certain I can make a filthy joke in response to that."
"No", I told him. "No, for the love of God, don't.

Cherie Priest

#88. If you were a country," I said, "what would your national anthem be?"
I meant a pre-existing song
"What a Wonderful World" or "Que Sera, Sera" or something to make it a joke, like "Hey Ya!" ("I would like, more than anything else, for my nation to be shaken like a Polaroid picture.")

David Levithan

#89. I have been invited to do something called 'Celebrity MasterChef' in England, which, of course, I can't do. It's complete nonsense. You have to be a decent cook to begin with. I'd be the joke one.

Lesley Nicol

#90. I'm to be whipped and admitted to the Arcanum'
He looked at be curiously,trying to see if I was making a joke,
I'm sorry? Congratulations?Do I buy you a bandage or a bear?

Patrick Rothfuss

#91. Once you've heard the joke, it's not funny anymore, but it's the way it's told. And I think that's the same with the music: The reason some of my songs have lasted longer is there's a lot of stuff packed in there. You want to hear them more than once.

Tom Lehrer

#92. This isn't a joke. This is life or fucking death, Lily. I am trying to save you."
"Save me from who?"
"From me, darlin'.

Teresa Mummert

#93. I suspect that Jesus spoke many of his parables as a kind of sad and holy joke and that that may be part of why he seemed reluctant to explain them because if you have to explain a joke, you might as well save your breath.

Frederick Buechner

#94. I somewhat joke that I know an awful lot because I learn from my mistakes. I just make a lot of mistakes. It's OK to fail in science just as long as you have the successes to go with the failures.

Craig Venter

#95. I think one artist to another artist, the best compliment you can pay one another, because the part of you that is inspired or creates something, to write a joke or a song, that's like the God-like part of a person.

Dave Chappelle

#96. On a spiritual level, on a place where you want to be a better human being and listen more, I try. I joke, but it has. I mean, I don't consider myself a card-carrying Buddhist, you know. But I do believe deeply in the ideas, and I think anytime you have interest in anything, it somehow humbles you.

Jake Gyllenhaal

#97. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.

Marshall Ramsay

#98. I felt like onstage I have to have a certain amount of anonymity, like, personal anonymity, to feel loose and free. When you're up there with people who've known you for a decade, and you make a bad joke and you hear the cackling behind the drums, it's hard to get lost in the moment.

Jenny Lewis

#99. I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?

Tone-Loc

#100. And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from ... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions."

Nicholas Stoller