Top 100 I'm Not A Joke Quotes
#1. I'm not a joke guy; I'm not a stand-up comic.
Eugene Levy
#2. Oh definitely. It'll be in a hot tub, with my entire head squeezed into a jet. The photos are going to be hilarious. Man, I really hope the internet sticks around so people can reference this article in my obituaries and see that what sounds like a joke was actually amazingly prescient.
Jason Sudeikis
#3. Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent
G. Norman Lippert
#4. Damn, Ty, I'm getting slizzard," Mel says, sending everyone into bouts of laughter. "Dumb ass, you don't have a G6. You can't get slizzard in a frickin' Prius," I joke with her. We all laugh again
Julie Prestsater
#5. When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can't bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.
David Byrne
#6. I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
#7. In Europe, they travel a lot lighter. I always joke that my Indonesian passengers bring their house and their neighbor's house.
Tony Fernandes
#8. I thought I could make a sarcastic joke about it. But it's based on my own struggle with how much to give, how much it's really helping or not, and how foolish or not I feel. Giving sometimes backfires ...
Nicole Holofcener
#9. It's hard talking about acting, in a way, because it's like explaining a joke: I do think it loses something in the telling.
Martin Freeman
#10. Twitter is a much more dangerous cauldron of groupthink than happy hours or dinners. On Twitter the reward comes from agreeing or loudly disagreeing with the joke, or the "smart take." In person you hash things out.
David Weigel
#11. A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.
Kurt Vonnegut
#13. In all of Western civilization, there have been societies that celebrating the homosexuality, the ancient Greeks. But they, in fact, protected the institution of marriage as a union between one man and one woman. They got the joke. And the American people get the joke.
Ken Blackwell
#14. War is no joke, it seems. It destroys, kills, burns, separates, brings unhappiness.
Zlata Filipovic
#15. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first time I ever knew real fear was the day Charlotte, my first child, was born. Suddenly there is someone in the world you care about more than anything.
Harlan Coben
#16. Yes, we were amazed when that happened. It was a real joke to us. Konrad Lueg and I did a Happening, and we used the phrase just for the Happening, to have a catchy name for it; and then it immediately got taken up and brought into use. There's no defence against that - and really it's no bad thing.
Gerhard Richter
#17. I have been invited to do something called 'Celebrity MasterChef' in England, which, of course, I can't do. It's complete nonsense. You have to be a decent cook to begin with. I'd be the joke one.
Lesley Nicol
#18. See, justice is a joke in this country, and it stinks of its hypocricy.
H. Rap Brown
#19. I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it.
Ian MacKaye
#21. If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
Wanda Sykes
#22. And I offer this book with the heartiest sentiments to all the jolly people who hate what I write, and regard it (very justly, for all I know), as a piece of poor clowning or a single tiresome joke.
G.K. Chesterton
#23. Chance could share shit like that with his brother. Chance shared everything with his brother. To him, Quinn was some sort of superhero who occasionally got knee-walking drunk, told great stories, could crack a joke, and pissed him off from time to time.
Alex Morgan
#24. The old joke is that psychiatrists are doctors who can't stand the sight of blood. Maybe they can't stand it, but if they work where I work, they damn well better get used to it.
At least surgeons and prizefighters get to wear gloves
Mike Bartos
#25. Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian.
Jeff Zentner
#26. If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined.
Karen Traviss
#27. I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.
Dave Chappelle
#28. Sometimes you just create a joke out of thin air in the editing room. So I'm really glad I've had that experience. It gives me a little more confidence in front of the camera.
Ed Helms
#29. I'm a professional hanger outer. I'm a super liability, too. I joke around and I'm like a hyper-active child.
Donal Logue
#30. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!
Mary Gordon
#31. Being raised Catholic myself, I think people who are Catholic tend to carry a lot of guilt. It's almost a joke.
Linda Cardellini
#32. When I listen to the complaints that follow just about every presidential debate, I'm reminded of the well-worn joke about the Jewish mother who buys her son two shirts. When he shows up at dinner wearing one, she says: 'What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?'
Jeff Greenfield
#33. Pretension is a poor joke that you play on yourself. Snap out of it. Recognise your strengths, work on your weaknesses. Real achievement is liking what you see in the mirror every morning.
Virat Kohli
#35. Never put a razor inside your nose - even as a joke.
Jake Johannsen
#36. People joke, in our field, about Pythagoras and his religious cult based on perfect geometry and other abstract mathematical forms, but if we are going to have religion at all then a religion of mathematics seems ideal, because if God exists then what is He but a mathematician?
Matt Haig
#37. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.
Tina Fey
#38. I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for them is not very long, and the joke becomes old news very quickly.
Tim Heidecker
#39. Postmodernism is among other things a sick joke at the expense of revolutionary avant-gardism.
Terry Eagleton
#40. Griff held his breath, waiting for it, knowing the axe would fall and he'd start dying as soon as he walked out the fucking door, and Dante would just grin and joke and try to forget what they had done together in this room.
Damon Suede
#41. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#42. Every one of my novels could be entitled The Unbearable Lightness of Being or The Joke or Laughable Loves; the titles are interchangeable, they reflect the small number of themes that obsess me, define me, and unfortunately, restrict me. Beyond these themes, I have nothing else to say or write.
Milan Kundera
#43. My joke is that my father was a minister and my mother was an English teacher, so I'm trained to see the world in terms of symbols, which is hard when you just want to make toast.
Libba Bray
#44. Televison allows thousands of people to laugh at the same joke and still remain alone.
Bertrand Russell
#45. In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.
Tom Robbins
#46. How do you know you told a good punch line, a good joke? It's because they laugh. How do you know you've got a good scary punch line? It's because they jump out of the seat or scream. So the best reward is one you can listen to.
Katie Holmes
#47. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
#48. Anthropologist Mary Douglas (1991) examines the very thin line separating a joke from an insult: a joke expresses something a community is ready to hear; an insult expresses something it doesn't want to consider.
Henry Jenkins
#49. We are essence of love, and when we die that love returns to our Father. This angel's love was corrupted, so I believe my Father sent his essence elsewhere. Possible Detroit, but that my have just been a joke.
John Wiltshire
#50. Patriotism is a joke in the UK.
Matt Tong
#51. John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!
Bertrand Russell
#52. I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.
Andy Kindler
#53. Hardly anyone today thinks about sex. We joke about it, dream about it, watch movies about it, listen to music about it, lust about it. But we don't ever really think about it.
Jason Evert
#54. One would understand a ban on surrogate advertising, but to completely ban [smoking] is ridiculous, a joke taken too far.
Mahesh Bhatt
#56. The school crossing guard is a zombie?" screams the youngest Smiley. Then she starts crying. "I hugged her once, Mommy! Am I gonna turn into a zombie, too?" "Take it easy, dear," says Aunt Smiley. "It's just a joke. I think. Right, Jamie?
James Patterson
#57. I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.
Norman Wisdom
#58. A joke is a witticism or play on words that's meant to be funny. I say 'meant to be' because most jokes aren't funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.
Michael Monroe
#59. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#60. More than anything I have learned that we are all frail people, vulnerable and wounded; it is just that some of us are more clever at concealing it than others! And of course the great joke is that it is O.K. to be frail and wounded because that is the way the almighty transcendent God made people.
Sheila Cassidy
#61. If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.
Jimmy Fallon
#62. Luck was a joke. Even good luck was just bad luck with its hair combed.
Stephen King
#63. There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me something that, I was like, 'whoa!'
Seth MacFarlane
#64. Ma Baxter rocked complacently. They were all pleased whenever she made a joke. Her good nature made the same difference in the house as the hearth-fire had made in the chill of the evening.
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
#65. Because, as we are told - a sad old joke, too - Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Bill Vaughan
#66. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.
Kiersten White
#67. Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success.
Walter Cronkite
#68. After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
Dave Chappelle
#69. I like to joke that I already married a 26-year-old and divorced a 29-year-old, so I wasn't going to do that again when I got remarried.
Grant Show
#70. I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
#71. Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.
Sarah Silverman
#72. You can analyse a joke and say it's funny because this guy thought this was going to happen, and that happened, and it's surprising. But not all surprising things are funny.
John Lloyd
#73. I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain, dressing up and stealing a diamond, of course. If not now, when?
Pierce Brosnan
#74. What was the future? The future was a solid wall, not promising, not threatening - all bunk. No guarantees of anything, not even the guarantee that life isn't one big joke.
Bob Dylan
#75. It's hard to live with people willing to send you to exile or death. It's hard to become intimate with them. It's hard to love them.
Milan Kundera
#76. There was always another side to a joke, the side of the victim. He
Pico Iyer
#77. That was Chas. Furious and black-hearted one minute, ready to crack a wry joke the next.
Colleen Gleason
#78. Hilta laughed like someone who had thought hard about Life and had seen the joke.
Terry Pratchett
#79. There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.
Herman Melville
#80. Well, I live a double life. Tonight, I'll escort you to dinner. Then I have to rush home and finish my calculus homework.'
'You're not joking, are you?'
'I never joke about calculus homework.
Rick Riordan
#81. They take away your options and all you can do is live, and it's just like Humble said: I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of living. I was afraid before, but I'm afraid even more now that I'm a public joke.
Ned Vizzini
#82. If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
#83. If you can't joke about giant french ticklers and gas powered dildos in a fucking locker room then the terrorists win, E. Our freedoms are eroding. I'll pick up lube and condoms instead. Bring your hand. It's the only action you're getting.
Celia Aaron
#84. I make a joke that I'm the Internet curmudgeon, but 'wary' is a good way to put it.
Bill Keller
#85. I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?
Jonathan Safran Foer
#86. It was this weird confrontation of these two delicious flavors that got me consciously or subconsciously combining Lincoln and vampires as an observational in-joke with myself.
Seth Grahame-Smith
#87. I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
#88. Watson loved them sour kind of jokes, which I enjoyed myself. I mean, ain't life some kind of a sour joke? Might's well laugh, that's the way him and me seen it, whether nice folks seen the joke or not. One time when Watson caught me grinning along with him, he give a wink and lifted up his hat.
Peter Matthiessen
#89. Homework's hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, 'Okay.' And then I sit down and they say, 'It's math.' 'No! Not math! English, history, anything!'
Angelina Jolie
#90. There is an old Belfast joke about the man stopped at a roadblock and asked his religion. When he replies that he is an atheist he is asked, Protestant or Catholic atheist?
Christopher Hitchens
#91. I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.
Adam Carolla
#92. I'm the joke of the family with cooking because I've never done it - primarily because I've been surrounded by people who are so good at it. Mum's brilliant. Boyfriends have always been good at it. I'm waiting for my inner chef to be released.
Emilia Fox
#93. I like that we don't have to come out the first 10 minutes and score, you know, with joke, joke, joke. We can open it in a more novel way and keep playing different pranks as we go through the thing.
Bruce Vilanch
#94. What I don't like today is, to put it coarsely, the phony Hasidism, the phony mysticism. Many students say, "Teach me mysticism." It's a joke.
Elie Wiesel
#95. Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
John Krasinski
#96. My Lord told me a joke. And seeing Him laugh has done more for me than any scripture I will ever read.
Meister Eckhart
#97. You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.
Lennon Parham
#98. People are so stupid, that they repeat your words and said in other words and what??
(I'm stupid, so stupid that I want to repeat), I just heard that probably I have missunderstand something...
(NOte- It's joke a Get it?)
Deyth Banger
#99. There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!"
Stanley Tucci
#100. The practical joke is the psychiatry of baseball.
Ron Luciano
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