Top 100 The Jokes Quotes
#1. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
#2. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"
Chris Rock
#3. I grew up in the projects. You have no choice but to fight. My jokes used to get me in fights.
Marlon Wayans
#4. I always like to think I build in historically accurate musical in-jokes that are so precise that like maybe there's 7 or 8 people in the world watching the show that will sit up and go, "Oh my God the music being played is the right kind of music!"
Bear McCreary
#5. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#7. In all the works on pedagogy that ever I read - and they have been many, big, and heavy - I don't remember that any one has advocated a system of teaching by practical jokes, mostly cruel. That, however, describes the method of our great teacher, Experience.
Charles Sanders Peirce
#8. One of the great jokes of life is that by the time you're old enough to recognize how little you know, all you can do is mop up the aftermath, dump it in a giant personal hazmat container and move on.
Virginia DeBerry
#9. The kitchen table is where we mark milestones, divulge dreams, bury hatchets, make deals, give thanks, plan vacations, and tell jokes. It's also where children learn the lessons that families teach: manners, cooperation, communication, self-control, values.
Doris Christopher
#10. Words could betray you if you chose the wrong ones, or mean less if you used too many. Jokes could be grandly miscalculated, or stories deemed boring, and I'd learned early on that my sense of humor and ideas about what sorts of things were fascinating didn't exactly overlap with my friends'.
Robyn Schneider
#11. I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
Jim Gaffigan
#12. What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories.
Howard Dean
#13. They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of them come in, sit down, and listen to you tell jokes. They the hardest people to make laugh.
Mike Epps
#14. It wasn't that funny, but I laughed. There wouldn't be much laughter in the world if people didn't like each other, because there sure as shit aren't that many good jokes.
John Barnes
#15. Even the people who do great jokes, [it's] always coming out of a very real place.
Brett Gelman
#16. Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
Aziz Ansari
#17. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
#18. I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.
Donald Glover
#19. Profane, vulgar, or crude language and inappropriate or off-color jokes are offensive to the Lord. Never misuse the name of God or Jesus Christ.
Thomas S. Monson
#20. I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.
Sayed Kashua
#21. The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies ... I'm not really a lawyer.
Tina Fey
#22. I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.
Woody Allen
#23. Even the Gods love jokes.
Plato
#24. Surfing is kind of a good metaphor for the rest of life.
The extremely good stuff - chocolate and great sex and weddings and hilarious jokes - fills a minute portion of an adult lifespan.
The rest of life is the paddling: work, paying bills, flossing, getting sick, dying.
Jaimal Yogis
#25. The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
Honeya
#26. The State trained us to make other people's terrible jokes work, which is the other part of the game when you're here.
Robert Ben Garant
#27. Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.
Joel McHale
#28. Many of the political jokes that circulated in the Third Reich were directed at Goering. He collected them [all] in a large leather notebook and delighted in re-telling most of them to his friends.
Richard Overy
#29. She knew far too much about him. She knew everything. Like how the royal ladies-in-waiting swapped bawdy jokes about the sad size of the duke's scepter.
Lauren Kate
#30. Sometimes you look out the window and you look at all the windows, and think inside very single one of them is somebody with some huge, weird, terrible problem, some great jokes.
Meryl Streep
#31. Seinfeld has his way of telling jokes - and I'm not comparing myself to Seinfeld, his genius is observing the small details of everyday life and finding humor in it.
Nick Kroll
#32. Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.
Rob Walton
#33. Two preppies from the University of South Florida tried to hit on her with cocaine jokes. Sharon
Tim Dorsey
#34. A good team needs three things: the right people, the right spirit, and a couple inside jokes.
VanillaCreamPie8888
#35. There are passages of the Bible that are soiled forever by the touches of the hands of ministers who delight in the cheap jokes they have left behind them.
Phillips Brooks
#37. You can be funny and say what you mean; these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Some of the best jokes came from people who meant it. See: Pryor, Bruce, Carlin, etc.
Hari Kondabolu
#38. Bleeding for a decade
For a decade,
We bleed like there is no hell but the earth
We bleed like we were born to dare
We bleed like there is nothing alive inside.
We find a clue
After a decade
Bleeding is just to breath
Simply keeps us alive.
Arzum Uzun
#39. What's fascinating about doing comedy about the referendum is, because it is the first time, it is the most extraordinary atmosphere. You find that if you are making jokes about politicians, it becomes intensely political.
Rory Bremner
#40. I think I have a reputation for being really serious. In interviews I use big words, but I'm just an emotional goofball. I play practical jokes all the time.
Darren Hayes
#41. Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha.
Victoria Dahl
#42. He waited until they were driving to work before he mentioned the morning field trip. "Why do a field trip?" Meg asked. "Because someone untied its shoes?" Meg frowned. "That makes no sense." "It makes as much sense as most human jokes." "That's true." Simon
Anne Bishop
#43. She used to write all the time,' Elizabeth explained, 'before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone's jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?
Francine Pascal
#44. You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over again, and the sketches are always three or four minutes too long.
Eric Andre
#45. A man could shoot a squirrel out of a tree from a distance of sixty feet. But he couldn't vomit into a bucket or pee into a pot only two feet away. It was one of the great mysteries of life.
Maggie Osborne
#46. I enjoy darker sardonic wit more than knock-knock jokes. I spent the first healthy chunk of my career playing all-American, pleasant, average, nice people, so it's fun to have some complications there.
Neil Patrick Harris
#47. You know, that pissed me off. We'd traveled half around the world to get to him, and there were monsters chasing us and Naji's curse was impossible to break, and here he was cracking jokes about our professions.
Cassandra Rose Clarke
#48. The higher you rise in the business ladder, the smaller your balls become.
Santosh Kalwar
#49. I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.
Don Rickles
#50. As a wolf, I'm a diamond in the rough. I crack jokes. My whole life is about trying, about speaking up in order to be seen, about howling with laughter or howling out how I see the world.
Jessi Klein
#52. When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
Rodney Dangerfield
#54. If Joanie dies before me, I wonder if I'll ever be with another woman. I can't imagine going through all of the preliminary stuff - the talk, the chatter, the dinners. I'd have to take someone places, explain my history, make jokes, dole out compliments, hold back farts.
Kaui Hart Hemmings
#55. I believe firmly in the value of all vulgar notions, especially of vulgar jokes. When once you have got hold of a vulgar joke, you may be certain that you have got hold of a subtle and spiritual idea.
G.K. Chesterton
#56. All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.
Yahoo Serious
#57. Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would have preferred it the other way around.
Hallgrimur Helgason
#58. I really wouldn't censor myself. But because it was on such a slower scale, I would throw things out, and I indulged the personal stuff as little flashes of truth. Little in-jokes for anyone who was paying particular attention.
John Hodgman
#59. I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke!
Kathy Griffin
#60. Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ...
Demetri Martin
#61. Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?
Aristophanes
#62. I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room.
Rebecca De Mornay
#63. My son jokes with me that he thinks I Google the word 'sad' to come up with book ideas.
Patricia McCormick
#64. No horse jokes," he said.
"My lord, I apologize for the horse joke. If you put down the book
unharmed!
I will give you a carrot."
He brandished the book at her. "Was that a horse joke?"
"Neigh."
"Was that a horse joke?
Cynthia Hand
#65. It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.
Iliza Shlesinger
#66. My English is closer to the literary English, and I'm not very familiar with jokes in English or with, you know, with small talk in English.
J.M.G. Le Clezio
#67. I'd worked with Marlon [Brando] a couple of times, and he was a practical joker. He was far more interested in getting jokes out than getting the words out. We laughed all the time.
Johnny Depp
#68. I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
Johnny Carson
#69. I have to say that The Simpsons comes from a huge number of great writers headed by Al Jean, the show-runner, and the work that they do is really fantastic. It's a blast just to sit around with them in the writers' room and listen to all the filthy jokes that will never get on the air.
Matt Groening
#70. I became the storyteller of South Side Chicago. I used an old Kiwi liquid shoe polish as a microphone. I'd go around the house interviewing everybody, telling stupid jokes, doing voices. I mimicked Sidney Poitier, Sammy Davis Jr., people on 'Laugh-In,' Flip Wilson.
Bernie Mac
#71. Always listening, listening to the wet fluid speech with no order, unfinished stories, badly told jokes that he sober as a spider perfected in silence.
Michael Ondaatje
#72. I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.
Andrew Dice Clay
#73. To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct.
John Waters
#74. We can not blame Shakespeare for making use of cutthroats and villains in developing his plots, but we might have been spared the jokes which the jailors of Posthumus perpetrate when they come to lead him to the scaffold, and the ludicrous English of the clown who supplies Cleopatra with an asp.
William Shakespeare
#75. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
Aziz Ansari
#76. Penn & Teller stopped doing practical jokes, and the reason is we got much too good at it.
Penn Jillette
#77. My mom brought me up by herself, so I was a latchkey kid. I would walk myself back from school and spent a lot of time at home alone, watching TV. There weren't a lot of Latinas - or any women of color. And the ones I saw were usually presented as stereotypes or treated like jokes.
Sara Ramirez
#78. You think you know everything. But you don't. Life and people are right in front of you and you act superior and make jokes but it's just a cover for the fact that you're scared.
Marisha Pessl
#79. I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted it. Basically, I came to the conclusion a while ago that you can either be really bitter about it or you can make loads of funny jokes.
Daniel Radcliffe
#80. The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
#81. Saddam probably had weapons of mass destruction, and even if he didn't, he was a weapon of mass destruction. A guy I dated my senior year made a lot of jokes about his own weapon of mass destruction, and I was more interested in the guy than I was in the war.
David Burr Gerrard
#82. In actual fact, the female function is to explore, discover, invent, solve problems crack jokes, make music - all with love. In other words, create a magic world.
Valerie Solanas
#83. Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
Craig Ferguson
#84. And there'd be no more jokes in Music-halls
To mock the riddled corpses round Bapaume.
Siegfried Sassoon
#85. She took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that "men would be so", and viewing the stronger sex in the light of animals whom it had pleased Heaven to make naturally troublesome, like bulls and turkey-cocks.
George Eliot
#86. It will startle you to see what slaves we are to by-gone times-to Death, if we give the matter the right word! ... We read in Dead Men's books! We laugh at Dead Men's jokes, and cry at Dead Men's pathos! ... Whatever we seek to do, of our own free motion, a Dead Man's icy hand obstructs us!
Nathaniel Hawthorne
#87. I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny ... I do not agree with that at all.
David Rees
#88. The majority of the filmmaking process is in pre-production. The more you've planned out the more freedom there is on set to find new stuff, to play around, find new jokes and let the actors kind of breathe - but it needs to come from a place where it's completely structured.
Vin Diesel
#89. White people made up the n-word, they knew about racial jokes before anybody, and in their old movies and old cartoons they made fun of everybody, especially black folks. Racial jokes were not new to them.
Paul Mooney
#90. We write for those who get the musical jokes. But for those who don't, there is always something else going on. That's why we have such a widespread audience.
Richard Hyung-ki Joo
#91. The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda.
Heywood Broun
#92. I did see the Soul Train picture. That was interesting. I've heard all the jokes. I had it coming.
Mike Tomlin
#93. They pay thousands and thousands for the Van Goghs and Modiglianis they'd have spat on at the time they were painted. Guffawed at. Made coarse jokes about.
John Fowles
#94. Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.
Robert Orben
#95. The studying, the books, exams, arguments, theories. The jokes and pints, laughter, kisses and songs. Life was like running, ninety percent sweat and toil, ten per cent joy.
Siobhan Dowd
#96. What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning
and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
Lewis Carroll
#97. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
Kurt Vonnegut
#98. When we hear jokes against women, and we are asked why we don't laugh at them, the answer is easy, simple, and short. Of course we're not laughing ... Nobody laughs at the sight of their own blood.
Naomi Weisstein
#99. I'm just not the outgoing bubble of energy. But if I know you, it's different. Practical jokes. Have fun. I'm not looking for any new friends. I got my friends.
Eric Dickerson
#100. Nicolas Cage is the best for taking the role of character Joker. He is pretty damn good at jokes!
Deyth Banger
