Top 87 Tim Dorsey Quotes
#1. I'm a one-hundred-percent, made-in-Florida, dope-smugglin', time-sharin', spring-breakin', log-flumin', double-occupancy discount vacation. I'm a tall glass of orange juice and a day without sunshine. I'm the wind in your sails, the sun on your burn and the moon over Miami. I am the native.
Tim Dorsey
#2. Worry is usually interest paid on a debt that never comes due.
Tim Dorsey
#3. I smell panic," said Serge. "These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry or this could affect our snack situation.
Tim Dorsey
#4. The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.
Tim Dorsey
#5. Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!
Tim Dorsey
#6. Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments.
Tim Dorsey
#7. Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.
Tim Dorsey
#8. Florida is a paradox that way, one of the youngest states, yet with some of the oldest European settlements. And this particular section of the northeast shore was home to a couple of the earliest sixteenth-century Spanish and French fortifications.
Tim Dorsey
#9. At work, he pretended every woman customer was a floozy with a hard-luck story who only needed a good slapping.
Tim Dorsey
#10. Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops.
Tim Dorsey
#11. Serge's attention-deficit disorder was the first of many hyphens. Obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive, anal-retentive, paranoid-schizophrenic. He was believed to be the only self-inflicted case of shaken-baby syndrome.
Tim Dorsey
#12. Relieve stress through hysterical screaming.
Tim Dorsey
#13. Two preppies from the University of South Florida tried to hit on her with cocaine jokes. Sharon
Tim Dorsey
#14. A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida.
Then it got weird.
Tim Dorsey
#15. My problem is with the warped value system our culture has. Why is it that if you knife a woman in a movie it's PG, but if you swear at her it's rated R and if you make love to her it's rated X?
Tim Dorsey
#16. Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes God, please protect us from your followers. Amen
Tim Dorsey
#17. my life's motto: If you're not willing to invent cool-sounding bullshit about yourself, don't expect others to.
Tim Dorsey
#18. Far too quickly we grow into jaded adults and lose our appreciation for silliness.
Tim Dorsey
#19. Impossible' isn't in my vocabulary, said Serge.
Tim Dorsey
#20. Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination.
Tim Dorsey
#21. I go over my own escape routes all the time. To survive in this state, you have to think like the French Resistance.
Tim Dorsey
#22. Yes, give us books about the psychotic behavior and peripheral weirdness we see all around every day
and we will laugh in its face.
We are a proud people.
We are Floridians.
Tim Dorsey
#23. What do they mean 'serial killers'! said Serge. (person 1), okay. But (person 2) was self-defence and the (person 3)-I mean, that was the World Series! You can call me a murderer, fair is fair, but as soon as you put 'serial' in front of it, everyone automatically thinks your crazy.
Tim Dorsey
#24. That, and the untended mental health problems. We have all these insane armed hobos coming from the Midwest, usually Ohio. Fuck Ohio.
Tim Dorsey
#25. Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never stop chasing them.
Tim Dorsey
#26. The common good," said Serge. "It's not hip.
Tim Dorsey
#27. Gasparilla is Tampa's annual heritage festival, and Tampa's heritage appears to be about alcohol.
Tim Dorsey
#28. Life's too important to learn new clocks, so I unplug them all and get on with the plot.
Tim Dorsey
#29. Tampa's Latin quarter, Ybor City. Ybor had been the Cuban-Italian core when Tampa was Cigar City USA.
Tim Dorsey
#30. Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer commercial with hot chicks.
Tim Dorsey
#31. Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must
Tim Dorsey
#32. There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.
Tim Dorsey
#33. Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can't be right. So I've prepared a little experiment.
Tim Dorsey
#35. The last door on the second story was the exception. Fresh gold letters:
MAHONEY & ASSOCIATES, PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS.
Mahoney sat inside. The only associate was the fifth of rye residing in his bottom desk drawer.
Tim Dorsey
#36. South Tampa is the polyp of land that dangles into Tampa Bay like a uvula.
Tim Dorsey
#37. You open a door and find a midget, and there's no way you can be in a bad mood. It's just not possible.
Tim Dorsey
#38. Mount Batten jumped up from his chair and ran yelling across the living room. He broke through the yellow crime scene tape across the front door like a finish line and kept on running. Sharon
Tim Dorsey
#39. Serge nodded. 'And I respect your opinion because you smoke marijuana. You're chemically biased against violence and job applications.
Tim Dorsey
#40. I love conversations!" "Why?" "Because we're all crazy!" said Serge. "And that's how society makes progress: imaginations getting together and glancing off each other in accidental tangents of invention.
Tim Dorsey
#41. Boys can't be stewardesses, and girls can't be pilots.
Tim Dorsey
#42. This was the beginning of Tampa," said Serge. "They built Fort Brooke here in 1823.
Tim Dorsey
#43. Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.
Tim Dorsey
#44. A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity with violence, each group with a head-and-shoulders edge in one category. The basic math of a tropical storm.
Tim Dorsey
#45. The brain wasn't engineered to deal with that rarefied level of dumbness.
Tim Dorsey
#46. I'm getting a diamond-hard boner just thinking about it.
Tim Dorsey
#47. Couldn't be scathed. He was the crack in the system
Tim Dorsey
#48. fusing themselves into a single new genre about partying all night with gangsta bitches screwing cowboys to the nasty beat that leads to Jesus.
Tim Dorsey
#49. Another tip to weld society together. Give the person up to bat at the ATM plenty of space so they're not nervous about you peeking at their PIN number or slipping a blade between their ribs the second the money spits out.
Tim Dorsey
#50. Do you think heaven's like that?
Could be worse, said Serge. You know all those pushy people who keep telling us we're not going to heaven? It could be full of them instead.
Tim Dorsey
#51. But instead they tell you they'll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I'll pay my next bill between July and November, but they don't laugh.
Tim Dorsey
#53. Your mom's not that bad," said Jim. "Are you trying to make me mad?" "Okay she is." "I knew it. You've never liked her." "What's the right answer?" "So you're just telling me what I want to hear?" Jim reached over and put a hand on his wifes. "I love you.
Tim Dorsey
#54. Americans tend to overanalyze. Like during the space race, NASA spent fifty thousand dollars developing a zero-gravity pen that didn't skip. Know what the Russians did? Pencil. Think about
Tim Dorsey
#55. Don't you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don't follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!
Tim Dorsey
#56. You've been brainwashed by whitey!
Tim Dorsey
#57. It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.
Tim Dorsey
#58. I don't suffer from insanity. I can actually say that I enjoy it.
Tim Dorsey
#59. Orlando. Tourism on steroids. Florida's mutant chromosome with mouse ears. One of the newer attractions is an air-conditioned dome over a sprawling, man-made replica of the state's natural landscape. They bulldozed nature to build it.
Tim Dorsey
#60. WITH THREE WEEKS to go in the Florida governor's race, the Tallahassee morning newspaper ran the following headline: 2 HEADS EXPLODE IN SEPARATE INCIDENTS
Tim Dorsey
#61. Florida is a theme park," said Serge. "And the theme is weirdness.
Tim Dorsey
#62. You never stop being Catholic. It's like the Mafia or Amway.
Tim Dorsey
#63. Something else that separates me from society: Super-Positive Perspective! Where normal people would whine about subpar accommodations, I choose to view it as upscale camping.
Tim Dorsey
#64. We're dealing with one of the worst kinds of killer." "What kind's that?" asked the lieutenant. "Patient.
Tim Dorsey
#65. Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.
Tim Dorsey
#66. Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don't question
Tim Dorsey
#67. She knew my buttons and kept pressing them like an epileptic in an arcade. If it's any consolation, I gave her fair warning." "Oh, my God!
Tim Dorsey
#68. as any roulette player can tell you, past performance has no bearing on future random outcome. So
Tim Dorsey
#69. The post office in the city of Christmas, Florida, where thousands descend each year to get their holiday cards postmarked. It's the best tradition we got, so fuck it, I'm rodeo-riding this cultural mutation.
Tim Dorsey
#70. The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.
Tim Dorsey
#71. Things sure have changed. FDR tried to calm us: "Nothing to fear but fear itself." Now politicians encourage the jitters. Panic is the new patriotism. "Today's Threat Level: Duck!
Tim Dorsey
#72. An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper.
One of the firefighters look at the other. Not again.
Tim Dorsey
#73. Life was invented for kids. But then we all grow up, and society imposes filters that block the joy of silliness and sponging up pointless little things that make childhood the magic time for which it is widely known.
Tim Dorsey
#74. There's a new dawn in America! It isn't enough just to disagree with your opponent anymore. True patriots hate their fucking guts!
Tim Dorsey
#75. The pair sat relaxed and stared toward U.S. 1 at nothing in particular. Coleman rested his joint on the edge of the window and popped a beer. "This is the life." "You said it, buddy." Serge uncapped a bottle of water. "Florida, a full tank of gas, and no appointments.
Tim Dorsey
#76. Remember the key to life," Serge shouted over the engine. "Always act like you deserve to be here.
Tim Dorsey
#77. Back at the Rash [a Florida nightclub], a waif in a lime latex body tube went into the rest room to snort the newest designer drug, XGB5, which gave people the uncanny sensation of throwing money away while chewing their own lips off. It was hard to come by and everyone had to have it.
Tim Dorsey
#78. Jesus. Why'd you do that?" "That motherfucker slapped me!" "And you just kill him?" "You never motherfuckin' hit a woman!" "How could he have missed you dedication of feminine virtue, especially when you keep saying motherfucker?
Tim Dorsey
#79. What's this whole Parrot Head phenomenon about, anyway?" asked Crease. "It's kind of like AA in reverse.
Tim Dorsey
#80. "[Those] on fixed incomes are the nation's math elite." from pg.88 of Atomic Lobster.
Tim Dorsey
#81. He loved his family and fellow man, never raised his voice or fists, and was rewarded with a lifelong, routine digestion of small doses of humiliation.
Tim Dorsey
#82. The television was on Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle office, where a man who had failed the eye exam pulled a gun and fired fifteen shots at the staff, hitting nobody.
Tim Dorsey
#83. For long rides, I require a stimulating conversation partner with deep reservoirs of cultural references upon which my metaphors can find purchase ... .
Tim Dorsey
#84. Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!" "Why?" "Because the facts don't support their beliefs.
Tim Dorsey
#85. They headed north, their taxi joining a sea of yellow cabs weaving up the Avenue of the Americas. The Russians saw there were lanes painted in the road, but that was clearly part of an ancient custom from some long-forgotten people.
Tim Dorsey
#86. The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks ... Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding. Five have died violently, three are back in prison, two have gone insane from untreated venereal disease, and one writes book reviews.
Tim Dorsey
#87. Belong to a religion? Doesn't bother me if you do, as long as it's not one that says to stop thinking and be loud about it.
Tim Dorsey
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